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New relationship with a guy whilst the ex is still pregnant?

(58 Posts)
clashofclanswidow Fri 29-Jan-16 22:40:43

Should start by explaining, I am said ex...

I am 23 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old with the same person I have been with for 6 years but we have recently seperated - that is a whole other story hmm

My query is, a few days ago he told me he has met someone else and it's "early days" yet apparently they have already been talking about how things will be when our baby arrives and he has asked about introducing our oldest daughter when he is sure it is right?

At the time I was heartbroken but now I just can't get my head around it.

Why would you want to be with someone who has a baby on the way to someone else?

I can't even begin to comprehend how this is gonna work out for us all but when I did a 'google search' most stories seemed to say they could never be with a man like this or that the man ended up leaving them and going back to the ex once baby was born anyway?

Has any one been through this?! I would love to hear stories?

I appreciate just because something happened to someone else, it doesn't mean it will happen to me and if they end up happy together, that's fine as my girls will always be looked after, there's just something about this that baffles me!

I'm not going to be judgemental - just keen to hear from anyone? TIA xx

Lightbulbon Fri 29-Jan-16 22:43:25

Britney did this didn't she?

SelfLoathing Sat 30-Jan-16 01:08:08

bet she doesn't know

SelfLoathing Sat 30-Jan-16 01:08:54

whatever he says

PaperDollChain Sat 30-Jan-16 01:15:26

This happened to me.

XH was having an affair whilst I was pregnant. With a 16 year old woman? Girl? So I guess that partly answers the question - in my case the kind of person who would do that was someone with little life experience and I guess naive enough to believe his lies. He was 34 at the time.

He was back and forth between both of us, I buried my head in the sand to an extent because I just couldn't acknowledge what was happening. One particularly horrible event was on my due date. I woke in the middle of the night with pains (which turned out to be braxton hicks) I called him and called him and eventually she answered and just hung up on me. When our baby was born, he left my hospital bed to go straight to her. Obviously I didn't know the full extent of what went on until later.

Until this point, there was little evidence of their relationship on social media but as soon as I had my baby, all these photos of them cuddling/kissing began appearing on facebook. It was incredibly upsetting and embarrassing for me to know that people could see this stuff when it was supposed to be the happiest time in my life. I never really blamed her for what went on because she was so Young but this is the one thing that I will never forgive her for. My baby's birth will forever be marred by those memories. And it was so unnecessary. I think she did it because she was jealous and was 'marking her territory', reminding me abd everyone else that even though we now had a child together, he was still hers.

I broke up with him shortly after and the emotions id been running from my whole pregnancy in an attempt to keep myself sane, hit me full force and I ended up with severe PND.

Eventually, me and the ow spoke on the phone. She played innocent but also hadn't realised the extent to which we were still in a relationship. It turned out he was promising her that they would try for a baby ASAP. It even transpired that he took us both separately to view a house that he wanted to buy! Imagine if we'd both said yes!

To my shame, I actually got back with him a few months later after she dumped him. Mainly because I felt sorry for him and wanted a shot at being a 'together' family. In hindsight, I think for her it was very much a 'competition' with me that she had invented in her head. She felt like she was winning, even more so if she could have him whilst I was carrying his baby. It's the ultimate betrayal isn't it? And gives that edge to the victory.

I'm so sorry you are going through this op. It was the unfairness that hurt the most at the time. My life was very much on hold. I wanted to drink myself into oblivion, I wanted to move on but I was trapped by having to do the right thing whilst he carried on doing as he pleased.

I did eventually leave him after he had another affair with yet another woman and I'm very very happy without him. Life isn't as great for him however smile.

I would wager that the woman in your case has low self esteem and poor boundaries. It's not likely to work out between them I don't think.

FastWindow Sat 30-Jan-16 01:19:30

Most women do not find a man and then find out he has a little one on the way in 17 weeks and still think he's a catch. Self respect, common decency, and obviously not wanting to be with someone who has clear responsibilities that precludes them from being free to date like a single guy.

Eugh, sorry for your crap man sad

Congratulations on your baby!!!!

Katarzyna79 Sat 30-Jan-16 01:50:53

what a .....i wont say i try not to swear. i think ive heard all cases of moral depravity now. Cant he put his manhood on hold for the sake of his new baby? Surely the baby comes first or is that just the case for the mothers not the fathers? If he cared about the child he wouldn't be starting a new relationship at this stage in his life.

He should be thinking about helping you through this pregnancy, spending time with new born not hanky panky with new partner.

don't you dare take him back if he comes crawling back to you he has displayed his true colours

KoalaDownUnder Sat 30-Jan-16 01:56:07

He's a real prince, isn't he? hmm

As a single woman, I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole. (Who wants to bet she knows nothing about you, though. Or certainly not that you're pregnant to him.)

Please don't take him back if he comes crawling. You deserve more, and so do your children.

springscoming Sat 30-Jan-16 02:03:25

Depending on the circumstances of your split, the new relationship is fair enough. He's single. So are you. The discussiobs they're having about the baby are creepy though. It's those discussions that would make all my territorial fierce mother instincts say 'oh no you don't'. There would need to be a court case and sone strong metal retraints before I'd hand a
baby over to some randomer. But I'm very weird like that.

MistressDeeCee Sat 30-Jan-16 02:20:05

Why is he blabbing to you about meeting someone else and possibility of DCs meeting etc, whilst you are pregnant and very shortly after your break up? There's no need for him to bother your head about this at all. I wouldn't even engage in such an idiotic conversation. Congratulations on your baby. Upsetting situation but you're well rid of this man, boorish doesn't even cover it, he can be his new partner's problem

Isetan Sat 30-Jan-16 06:38:54

Why give any headspace to what this supposed woman is thinking? God only knows what type of line he's spun her. What matters, is that you're no longer in a romantic relationship with a man, who in the words of Amy Winehouse 'kept his dick wet'. The fact that he's telling you at this time is indicative of what a prick he is, you're well rid.

rockabillyruby82 Sat 30-Jan-16 09:37:30

I'm 35 weeks pregnant, found out H had been having an affair at 18 weeks and he is with OW.
I know she didn't anticipate us separating and me keeping the baby when we did. BTW she knew I was pregnant (and we have a DS) during affair.
I don't discuss her with STBXH so I have no idea what her feelings (feelings? Whatever!) are about the baby.
What I do know is how I feel. I consider this my baby and what I say goes. STBXH won't be at the birth. He can visit when I'm ready and my baby will stay with me for the first 6 months at least.
I personally anticipate his OW realizing the enormity of what she's involved in and leaving.

Trills Sat 30-Jan-16 09:39:30

Poor woman.

She must not be in a good place if she thinks this is the best she can do.

clashofclanswidow Sat 30-Jan-16 09:43:06

I think I am just thoroughly disappointed as she already has children herself, so at this moment in time, it feels like he has left our family to join someone elses.

I can't understand why he would want to raise another woman and mans children when he has his own? I thought our relationship had problems that could have been fixed - naive.

Now I get that people do go on to have lovely relationships as step-parents (again not being rude) but this wasn't even 3 weeks after our daughters second scan that he came out with this news. Gobsmacked!

Obviously I'm flicking through stages of hating his guts and never wanting to see him again (except for the kids) to thinking one day he will snap out of this and come back and could I let him in? Again I know I am over-thinking.

It just feels really insulting, as he was a lazy Father with our daughter and would go out at weekends, stay in bed, not bother with her after work other than to bath her etc but I know with this new woman he is probably selling himself as the doting Dad who wants to get up and go places and won't go out at weekends as he has an exciting new relationship now and it just feels a bit degrading he would do that for someone else and their kids...and not his own.

Oh well, when she sees his true colours I suppose she won't put up with it either and by then I won't want him back either haha! Grrrrrrrr.

AnotherTimeMaybe Sat 30-Jan-16 09:45:47

His name is not Gavin is it? This happened to my mate, she found out he cheated on her a day before the 20wks scan, then he eventually left her a few weeks later for someone he met online . He's done this 3 times with 3 different children who he never sees! And yes there are women who think he's a catch hmm

AnneElliott Sat 30-Jan-16 10:00:06

I guess he won't have told her. My friends ex left her when she was pregnant for an OW. The OW found out my friend was pregnant and the ex actually tried to make out that it wasn't his!

The difficulty he had was explaining how his ex was pregnant when he's told OW that he and his wife didn't have sex.

He did moan to my friend once about how hard OW found her being pregnant. Like it was her fault or problem to solve hmm

Sunbeam1112 Sat 30-Jan-16 10:16:31

It feels me with horror how men can just behave like this and think its acceptable. It amazes me howen just seem so accepting. It happened to me but my DS was one year old and he left me for his ex who did coacine nd was going out all the time she dumped him and he tried to come crawling back.Hes remarried but i'be heard hes cheated on her.. my DH wonders why her family wouldn't question why shes with someone who just walked out on his partner and son for someone else but i guess its easier to believe someone standing there giving their sob story and these people always make out they are the victim when its not the case. Its easier to make you a villian than themselves.

I would dread to think of my daughter growing up and been treated this way. Some women are naive to it all and clearly lack any self worth if they are prepared to be starting a relationship with someone who got another woman pregnant and left them says alot about the man.

clashofclanswidow Sat 30-Jan-16 10:27:18

Yes, yet another thing I'm struggling to understand.

I have asked my friends what they thought, regardless of my personal situation and they all said if it were them, they would advise whoever it was to steer clear.

I guess that's why I posted here as I am looking for some outside opinions. It shocks me that there are people who have had to even go through this.

I know my own family are mortified but he grew up with no Father and his Sister has three children with three different Dads (one of those she is now happily married to though and all her kids are loved and looked after, that's life) so they probably don't see a problem with it to be honest.

I just feel it's going to make me bitter and I don't want that! Trying to focus on my own growing family but you can't help the hurt it's causing too.

I know it's pretty evident that he doesn't care for my feelings anyway, as he just says it will take some time - no kidding!

Fadingmemory Sat 30-Jan-16 10:42:05

On the whole men do not leave one relationship before finding another prospect. If the existing relationship is "rocky" and someone else comes along... Many men are faithful and soldier on through difficult times. Others, however are weak and entitled and simply "cannot" (for which read "will not") exist without sex etc. They rush into a new relationship and do not consider the feelings of their children, making introductions far too quickly. Women are not immune from the latter. Sorry you are going through this OP. Hope you have family and friends to support you.

ImperialBlether Sat 30-Jan-16 10:50:04

The existing relationship doesn't have to be rocky, though it's often reinvented to sound as though it was.

clashofclanswidow Sat 30-Jan-16 10:55:49

I can only guess he has made himself out to be a victim or some wonderful man that didn't love me but stayed for his kids. Or that I'm a complete villain.

He was telling me he loved me, right until we split and as such, I can't see he has told her that, as surely you wouldn't get into a relationship, with a man, who said he still loved his ex and is having his baby.

I know he was hurting when he moved out - it caused us both a lot of pain. Still don't see how someone can fall out of love so fast and under the circumstances but hurt men act differently, yes.

clashofclanswidow Sat 30-Jan-16 15:22:30

Oh dear, I caved and just messaged him! =( I need to know why he wants a family with her but not us. Over-reaction I know but I'm pregnant and not thinking straight =( xx

Gobbolino6 Sat 30-Jan-16 16:19:15

I'd make a concerted effort to give both him and her as little headspace as possible.

winewolfhowls Sat 30-Jan-16 19:26:00

So sorry you are going through this. You sound lovely and you don't need him. What a scummy excuse for a man

Heatherplant Sat 30-Jan-16 20:12:54

One of my friends ended up in a situation like this. She's lovely and very naive, she totally believed what he told her: his relationship with his ex was dead in the water; had been dead in the water for years blah blah blah. I was honest and told her he was full of shit as he was clearly having sex with his ex just 16 weeks prior to hooking up with my friend plus if he did that to the mother of his children what would he be like with her! My friends family are pretty traditional people and they really weren't thrilled either. She binned him off thankfully and we now laugh at her lucky escape. His ex didn't take him back either and I like to think no woman would touch him with a barge pole given his reputation.

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