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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this a threat - help with perspective

47 replies

StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 11:56

My partners ex sent me a 'poison pen' letter which contained the following:

I am not a violent person. I am however reactive when needed and it would have been explosive if I had got out of the car. I mean verbally. Please do not confuse what i'm saying with a threat as that is not my intention.

I had gone to see her as my partner told me that she was 'in a rage' with me. I had no idea why this could be and wanted to immediately talk to her. I've been to her house several times before, and I wanted to sort it out straight away. She was unhappy about this and I immediately apologised for doing it via a text message - she sent the above after I had apologised twice for going to see her.

I feel that the above is threatening, I felt very intimidated by it. I really would just like to know what others think?

I don't know if I am just living in a bubble of nice and clouded by the fact that I have never before experience being spoken to in this way, and have never said anything close to this myself. Thanks.

OP posts:

Report

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/01/2016 11:59

Who cares if she's in a rage with you? I see this time and time again, women buying in to the ex's need for drama. Let her get on with it!

What on earth do you want to do about her threat to yell at you? Call the police? Get on with your life and she can do what she likes.

Don't feed the drama.

Offred · 29/01/2016 11:59

I think it is far more threatening that you went to her house TBH.

What were you thinking?

Your partner's ex is no-one to you, why are you getting involved? Is your partner winding you up or something?

Prayingforsnow · 29/01/2016 12:01

Yes my first thought was, why did you go straight round to her home to sort things out? Nobody would appreciate that.

Offred · 29/01/2016 12:03

Would you appreciate her 'going straight round' to your house based on something your partner said?

I would seriously consider calling the police and having you removed if you did that to me and she is quite reasonable to explain that she restrained herself fro yelling at you but would do so if you did it again.

MoominPie22 · 29/01/2016 12:03

Why are you in contact with his ex anyway? Keep the above as evidence incase she changes tack or anything else happens. She obv went to the trouble of writing you that letter for a reason.

Is she normally an unreasonable person who flies off the handle? Have you had trouble with her before? Why would she be in a rage with you?

You need to cut her out of your life imo.

LastOneDancing · 29/01/2016 12:04

I read it as not a threat - she's explaining why she didn't get out if the car - because she would have given you a mouthful and didn't want to do that.

It's impossible to say with no context or knowledge of her/ you/ your relationship/timescales/previous encounters/ what the rage was all about.

Offred · 29/01/2016 12:05

If my partner told me his ex was 'in a rage' with me I would have responded with 'oh really?! Why would that be?' And thought he was a dick who was trying to get two women fighting over him...

Isetan · 29/01/2016 12:06

So based on hearsay, you went round to have a word with your partners Ex without an invitation. Personally, I would have taken your behaviour as intimidating and your repeated apologise as very annoying.

Next time, take a very deep breath and get over yourself.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/01/2016 12:07

I think your response was threatening!

Stay away from the ex.

Offred · 29/01/2016 12:09

And since you clearly have her number to text her apologies after I don't buy for one second that you were intending to resolve things.

You went straight round in a temper to get arsey with her based on hearsay from a biased troublemaker, it escalated things and when you calmed down you realised it was stupid and apologised.

That's my reading of the situation.

The problem will resolve if you dump your troublemaking boyfriend.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 12:10

If my partner told me his ex was 'in a rage' with me I would have responded with hmm 'oh really?! Why would that be?' And thought he was a dick who was trying to get two women fighting over him...

This.

He sounds like a stirrer. Does he like women fighting over him?

ItchyArmpits · 29/01/2016 12:11

She says she's not violent, she's not threatening you, she was worried about exploding 'verbally' only.

Clearly she's royally pissed off for some reason but I think exes are like MILs - if they are a problem, it's your DP who needs to fix it.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 12:12

How was this a poison pen letter? Aren't those anonymous?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/01/2016 12:12

Blimey, I misread the OP - she's your PARTNER'S ex? Good grief, what on earth is your partner playing it? Why are you feeding his need to have 2 women fighting over him?

StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 12:14

Thanks everyone for responses. She had just picked up her son from me. I have always had a good relationship with her, she felt that I had snubbed her. I didn't intentionally snub her and wanted to say sorry and to try so resolve the issue straight away. I've been to her house, I've been invited in to her house, it's very close to mine and I was going to be driving past. I appreciate hearing what others think.

I have cut contact with her and have not engaged with her since.

OP posts:

Isetan · 29/01/2016 12:14

Whatever negative feelings she has towards you, going round uninvited has probably only reinforced them.

Congratulations on achieving the opposite as to what you say you wanted.

StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 12:16

And I should have said my 'ex partner'. He ended our relationship because he felt that I fully deserved to be told that for going to see her. I wasn't in any rage with her at all. I had not a single issue with her. I was flabbergasted that she was in a rage with me, I wanted to sort it out.

OP posts:

Offred · 29/01/2016 12:18

Good, I think you have unnecesarily and massively escalated things to a point where it now won't be easily resolved.

If she had her son in the car with her I have an even more dire view of your behaviour TBH.

She is stating that she restrained herself appropriately IMO. Possibly because her son was in the car and she doesn't want to have this happen again.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/01/2016 12:19

You're well shot of the drama llamas.

Offred · 29/01/2016 12:20

Well he is correct to dump you for that IMO but he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour in winding you up too. What did he think would happen by telling you that? Maybe not what did happen, which IMO was quite ridiculous, but it was never going to do anything but cause trouble saying something like that TBF.

Offred · 29/01/2016 12:24

You do realise that a simple 'sorry if I came across rude the other day, I was [insert reason here]' text would likely have resolved everything.

Accosting someone unexpectedlyat their home and in front of their child over what is essentially gossip is never going to go down well and is pretty out of proportion as a response.

MoominPie22 · 29/01/2016 12:24

She does sound like she´s got a penchant for a drama. Well done for cutting contact, it´s not like there´s any need to have her in your life if it´s your EX partner...but why were you looking after their son??

He ended the relationship with you cos you went to see her? I don´t get it....

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StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 12:26

I felt annoyed at the time that he felt compelled to tell me this immediately as she did call him back after he had told me that she was 'in a rage' to apologies for said rage. She was screaming and shouting in the car which has son was in and saying 'who the F**K does she think she is' so he already knew about it. I keep drama away from the children and would not have said anything untoward in from of her child.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 12:27

Oh dear.

StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 12:29

She has said that I am not to see her son. Which makes the relationship untenable really.

I have said sorry for seeming rude, and said that I wasn't intentionally rude to her, and am sorry to have upset her. I have said sorry for going to see her.

I was looking after her kid because his Dad was working and she was going out for lunch. He has (had) a really good relationship with my children.

OP posts:

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