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do men not have the ability to see when they are being selfish or do they just do it on purpose?

(43 Posts)
sammyjayneex Fri 29-Jan-16 10:37:58

So my Husband has been working this week. This Saturday's he didn't book an extra shift. I thought thats great we can spend it together. I actually asked him whether we could have a date night and watch a film in the house. I was think g we could go for a meal but I thought no I won't ask him because he doesn't have much money so it wouldn't be fair to put that in him. So I suggested a film and a nice tea at home. He just said yes and that's it. Then he's just told me he's going out with his friend this weekend with his friends because his friend is depressed. What about me??? I've been alone all week, I'm 22 weeks pregnant and was looking forward to spending his RARE Saturday night together. But oh no I come last AGAIN! He knew inside I was looking forward to spending time with him because we don't get it often and usually I have the kids school stuff to deal with night before so we don't actually get quality time together and usually I'm alone on the weekends. Is it wrong for me to complain? Why is him and his friend more important than me?
Looks like another lonely night it for me. Would you leave a man this selfish . And when I complain about he goes mad but does he wonder why?
I feel like I don't matter and in the last person he thinks about
I was even being supportive not asking him to go for a meal coz he has no money yet he has money to out drinking
It's really insulting

RidersOnTheStorm Fri 29-Jan-16 10:39:30

It is insulting and spectacularly selfish.

steppemum Fri 29-Jan-16 10:52:51

If you hadn't mentioned night in together, I would have a bit of sympathy, maybe he spoke to friend and arranged it off the cuff etc etc.

But as you have specifically asked, and then he made other arrangements, that is really taking the piss.

CheersMedea Fri 29-Jan-16 10:54:04

Is this your first child?
Because it's not looking good in terms of likely future emotional and physical support and prioritising you and his family.

Not wrong for you to complain but just don't whinge or go on about it. (don't give him the opportunity to call you nagging as that will be a side argument). Tell him once dead straight how it made you feel and why you don't like it. Whatever he says, don't get involved in a "but xyz" and "and YOU did xyz".

Sounds like an utter cock to me and I'd be really depressed about having a child with someone who is behaving like that tbh.

OliviaDunham Fri 29-Jan-16 10:56:57

Did you say "but we had plans?" to him? My DH had a brain like a sieve, he wouldn't do it intentionally, but these things happen sometimes.

sammyjayneex Fri 29-Jan-16 11:06:14

Thanks everyone

No it's our 5th ( yes I'm an idiot for staying with this man but I've always loved him)

Anyway he knew full well I wanted to spend it with him. I don't know when his friend actually invited him but he always tells me the night before so I can't say or plan anything. BUT at the beginning Of this week we was discussing which says he should book his extra shifts and I asked him please could have have Saturday off so we could spend it together as we don't usually get it together and he agreed. So I thought he was being nice and wanted to spend it with me and I asked him then can we have a movie Night together. Little did I know he was concocting his own plans but only told me today?? And when I commented on the fact I was hoping we could spend it together he's like 'oh this is why I don't tell you'
No he didn't tell me so I didn't get a chance to plan anything but he's fucked now coz I already asked him! He will still choose his friend though.
He sometimes goes out mid week with his other mate so it's not as if he never goes out. I feel my needs are never being met. He does help with the kids but I just really wanted to be with him this Saturday and he makes it sound like I'm asking for the world.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 29-Jan-16 12:19:21

The title of your thread should read "Does my husband not have the ability...." Selfishness is not exclusive to one gender or the other and everyone is selfish to a lesser or greater degree at any given time.

Clearly, your husband doesn't have the ability. But then you knew that already.

sammyjayneex Fri 29-Jan-16 13:13:50

Yes maybe I should have wrote a different title
Just hate feeling I don't matter

LittleLegs25 Fri 29-Jan-16 13:45:15

I can totally understand why your so annoyed I would be too!! He's done something he knows will annoy/upset you then turned it round on you as though its your fault why he didn't tell you! He's good isn't he!? He sounds like the sort of person that doesn't see things from your perspective at all and probably never will. His needs come first. Are you happy to live like this forever?

Cabrinha Fri 29-Jan-16 13:57:50

Make your own plans.
1. For a night out on Saturday
2. For a life without him.

You've posted before - he was a selfish arse then, and he's a selfish arse now.

Why stay with him?

I don't want to hear "because I love him".
I want to hear WHY you love him. "because we arrange time together and then he breaks our plans and goes out anyway"

I'm with cabrinha on this one, I would treat myself to a lovely night and a new life, because I am sorry but he comes across as a selfish arse. Strikes me that either gender is selfish frequently if they get away with it. Good luck OP

OurBlanche Fri 29-Jan-16 16:58:13

Smile, forgive him, wish him well on his rare night out.

Wait a while.

Arrange another Date Night, when he has changed his shifts and on Thursday so as to preempt him, give him a big hug, tell him he is a superstar and then bugger off for a day or two with your friends/family.

Even if that isn't really possible, plotting it might help you get through this weekend without chewing his head off and spoiling your own day.

Then again, as he seems to be a repeat offender and talking to him is getting you nowhere, do all of that planning, leave and never go back!

Potatoface2 Fri 29-Jan-16 17:20:29

all men are selfish.....mine says im out for an hour, then disappears for hours and my friends husband went to the shop to get milk, and then went to france for the weekend!

Cabrinha Fri 29-Jan-16 18:01:37

Stupid thing to say, potatoface

My boyfriend isn't selfish at all.
My XH was, so this time round I am quick to dump at any sign of it.

Offred Fri 29-Jan-16 18:31:31

Selfish people tend to be the people who don't acknowledge the effect their selfishness has on other people, if they acknowledged it they'd have to take responsibility for it and they'd be less likely to do it.

It's not men, it's your h.

I would fantasise about breezing in 5 mins before he is due to leave on sat saying 'you'll need to stay with the kids, I am going out with my friend her husband forgot to buy milk and she needs intensive emotional support BYEEEE!'.

In reality the best way is to just be direct, tell him outright he is being inconsiderate and needs to buck up. Not read the previous threads, if this is a recurring issue it's probably best to leave.

sammyjayneex Sat 30-Jan-16 15:08:45

I suggested that we should go for a meal together tonight to make the most of our Saturday and he's said he's got no money so can't but I said well you still have money for drinks with your friend. And he said oh I'll cancel for tonight. But has rearranged for next week! He won't have money next week either if he doesn't have any today.
I feel so angry that when I suggest taking me out he has money but will have money for his friends.
I feel so resentful and angry. I am sick of being stuck in ! I don't even have any friends to go if with or else I would. Never get chance to do anything. He probably thinks he's 'being nice' rearranging but what's the point if he's not prepared to make any effort for us two. All he will do tonight is eat and sleep on sofa.

Cabrinha Sat 30-Jan-16 18:21:19

Thing is OP, your husband is an arsehole and I'd sort your contraception out better after #5 because you really don't need to be throwing a #6 into this in 2017.

You're wasting your time wondering if other men are selfish, why he's selfish. He's not going to change. So why don't you work on changing what you'll accept? Your standards are rock bottom love sad

Heatherjayne1972 Sat 30-Jan-16 22:59:24

Sounds like my husband
We are no longer together...

HarmlessChap Sat 30-Jan-16 23:53:28

Then he's just told me he's going out with his friend this weekend with his friends because his friend is depressed.

Before you can judge his level of selfishness I think you need to know how depressed his buddy is? Is he just a bit pissed off and wallowing in self pity, engaged in a full blown battle with the black dog or could he be on the verge of heading down to B&Q to buy rope before taking a trip to the woods?

Offred Sun 31-Jan-16 09:47:17

If he's very depressed or even slightly depressed going out drinking will not help.

springscoming Sun 31-Jan-16 09:58:34

Faulty thinking OP.
Your husband is clearly an arsehole. You are trying to justify staying with him by thinking all men are arseholes. They really aren't so you can't reasonably comfort yourself with the thought that 'He's just like all the rest' because that's not true. Have another read of Cabrinha's posts. You are unlikely to change his behaviour so what next? A lifetime of tears and nagging? Or you could get rid.

LeaLeander Sun 31-Jan-16 10:07:20

I agree with Cabrinha. And it's a little late to be playing the victim after you have chosen to tie yourself to this man with five kids. Did you think he would magically change? People are who they are.

Hope whatever qualities you "love" make it worthwhile. Good luck.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 31-Jan-16 10:13:26

You know what he's like, you've posted about him before - he's a waste of space, I don't know why you're still with him

By the way, did you go to Lisbon for the wedding?

sammyjayneex Sun 31-Jan-16 14:31:14


Yes we did go to Lisbon for the wedding. We drove. We managed to get all kids passports sorted before the trip. It was actually a good experience and wasn't as bad as it was made out to be. We got in well in the trip and I thought we were doing so well until we arrived back and realised his selfishness can never really be changed...

Cabrinha Sun 31-Jan-16 14:43:31

No it can't.
So what do you want to do?

I certainly wouldn't be asking him to stay in for date night. Any evenings he was staying in, I'd be seeing as a good opportunity to go out myself, and start building up friendships.

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