Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP really draining

(35 Posts)
PooDogMillionaire Fri 29-Jan-16 09:42:36

I'm 9 weeks pregnant with DC number 4.

DP has had a very bad back for 6 months and is often in pain. He's also tired and very stressed from work most of the time. He also has stomach problems which are worse when he doesn't take his medication. He also has a lot of stress with an ex partner surrounding custody of his DC. He is also quite clingy and gets very grumpy if we don't have sex every day/other day.

I feel very drained and am sick of looking at his miserable face or constantly having to sympathies with one problem or another.

I find it consuming enough caring for my DC and ferrying them around without having to constantly be trying to resolve some issue around our relationship or make allowances because he's tired or ill.

Do I sound really horrible?

KinkyAfro Fri 29-Jan-16 09:44:14

No, but he does

Eminado Fri 29-Jan-16 09:44:41

No you dont sound horrible, he sounds like hard work though!

VimFuego101 Fri 29-Jan-16 09:46:13

No. It sounds like you need him to pull his weight, look after you and stop getting grumpy when he doesn't get sex on his desired schedule.

pocketsaviour Fri 29-Jan-16 09:48:06

He is also quite clingy and gets very grumpy if we don't have sex every day/other day.

Gosh, that's attractive hmm

I was originally leaning to you being a bit unfair on him - I have chronic back pain and it really is fucking miserable to live with. However, it sounds like you actually feel he's just a generally miserable person and his back gives him a good excuse to complain about his life even more - have I got that right?

cuntycowfacemonkey Fri 29-Jan-16 09:48:27

He sounds like a pain in the arse. It's not your job to make everything all better for him and meet his every need. What does he do for you?

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 29-Jan-16 09:49:36

He should take his prescribed medication and stop pestering you for sex. The sex thing is a real deal breaker actually.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Jan-16 09:49:39

Wow - so what does he bring to this relationship?
How does he help YOU out with 3 kids and being pregnant?
If he brings nothing and is a drain, why are you with him?
He may well be ill, stressed, tired, etc...
But if he really is that bad then he shouldn't have any energy for sex, let-a-lone nearly every day.
That's just not OK. If you don't want to then just don't.
I don't like the sound of him. Sorry!

Eminado Fri 29-Jan-16 09:49:40

Yes I was also thinking no one asks to be ill and marriage is in sickness and in health and all that BUT making things worse by ny taking his meds and pestering for sex are just big fat no-nos.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 29-Jan-16 09:49:45

Another - no, but he does. What are his good points?

MaisieDotes Fri 29-Jan-16 09:52:42

Clingy sex <shudder emoticon>

Tell him his behaviour is making you less inclined to want to spend time with him and to consider seeing things from your point of view once in a while.

I wouldn't have the patience for it myself though.

Eminado Fri 29-Jan-16 09:54:22

" I wouldn't have the patience for it myself though."

Me either!

AnyFucker Fri 29-Jan-16 09:56:44

How interesting that his severe back pain will stop him from pulling his weight around the house/ with the kids but he can still manage regular sagging

I call bullshit on him. Stop making excuses for him, the man sounds like a lazy and disrespectful piece if work

"Clingy sex" my arse. Sounds more like sexual coercion to me.

AnyFucker Fri 29-Jan-16 09:57:27


Cabrinha Fri 29-Jan-16 10:01:26

Bad back and in pain and tired from work.
But still OK for sex.
Uh huh.

I'd like to hear the XW's reason for restricting access because he sounds like he could be a grade A dickhead.

I appreciate we all have different views on termination, but I personally would be considering whether I wanted to have a 4th child with him.

Even if I was keeping the pregnancy, I'd want a better reason than you've given (I.e. None) for keeping him.

RidersOnTheStorm Fri 29-Jan-16 10:03:10

Sounds almost abusive.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Jan-16 10:03:33

Ha! Crossed posts I'm not the only one hmm at his oh so sore back but ability to shag.

I had quite a mild back injury last year and my boyfriend had to live with restrictions grin

RatherBeRiding Fri 29-Jan-16 12:20:33

He's tired, stressed, and frequently in pain with a bad back but still expects sex on an almost daily basis? Wow.

Anyone expecting sex on a daily basis would be sleeping in the spare room, let alone the moaning about being tired, stressed and having a bad back.

Stop trying to resolve his issues!

VagueIdeas Fri 29-Jan-16 12:24:17

I can't imagine feeling obliged to have sex daily in early pregnancy, feeling sick as a dog, just so my miserable partner doesn't get any more miserable. It's hard to find that sort of behaviour attractive, isn't it?

VagueIdeas Fri 29-Jan-16 12:27:58

I should also add, I didn't have sex at all during either of my pregnancies (and then for a good while afterwards), due to sickness and severe SPD making it impossible. DH understood. I'm sure he wasn't exactly delighted about it, but he understood. If he'd started sulking about it then our marriage would have been in trouble. It's important that he values my feelings and my health more than sex.

oldestmumaintheworld Fri 29-Jan-16 12:33:33

Your husband sounds like a right royal pain in the a**e.

If he has a bad back he needs to see an osteopath to get it fixed
If he is stressed he needs to sort out his work issues
If he is tired he needs to do regular exercise and get to bed early
If he has problems with his ex-wife then he needs to speak to her or a solicitor and sort them out.

None of these things are your problem, they are his. He needs to fix them.

Your problem is that you are pregnant and have three other children and must be feeling sick and tired and have a selfish partner who wants to have sex when it suits him. So your solution is to tell him to sort out his stuff and start behaving like an adult not a 14 year old. If not he's going to be paying two lots of maintenance and have a load more weekends when he has children to look after on his own. How'd he like them apples?

AnyFucker Fri 29-Jan-16 12:58:51

Yep, during my two successful pregnancies we didn't have sex for over a year. Not a problem.

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 29-Jan-16 13:09:36

Surely if he's well enough to want sex everyday, he's well enough to help around the house and help with the kids? And why the hell isn't he taking his medication?

Custody battles are stressful, and yes, a bad back is sore and frustrating, but that's not an excuse to spend all his time complaining and not even attempting to help out.

Is he normally like this, or has it started since you became pregnant? Is he worried about supporting yet another DC (you say you this is no.4 and he has DC from an ex)?

MistressDeeCee Fri 29-Jan-16 13:10:19

Bad back, stressed and tired from work yet wants sex every day. I guess he knows you dread it so there's something in it for him in terms of coercing you into it

"I feel very drained and am sick of looking at his miserable face or constantly having to sympathies with one problem or another"

^ This would be the main thing to sort out for me and Id say it to him exactly as you've worded it. I guess he's bending your ear about his back pain (how does he manage to work, if its so bad) and the custody woes with his ex on top of all that, you'll be depressed yourself if you aren't already. & you have 3 DCs plus another on the way too I couldn't listen to all that

Yes its crap having a bad back but sorry, to my mind that does NOT give anybody licence to cause their partner misery. Im just wondering if you want to be with Victor Meldrew for the rest of your natural

Its time to look after yourself - put your foot down re. the constant whinging about this that or the other, and the sex. You have to tell him, and mean it. I can't see any other way around this to be honest, perhaps he's not all bad but the way you've described him he sounds irritating as fuck, Id have lost it with him by now, you must be very patient

Good luck

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Jan-16 13:12:34

Doesn't he move at all when he has sex?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now