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Aibu ? .. To feel his ex came between us ??

(18 Posts)
boredbylaundry Thu 28-Jan-16 23:48:04

But long winded .. Sorry ..
I owe wine to anybody who takes to read it

Broke up with 2 year bf this month . Basically he wanted to " take a break " but I said no as he has had 2 already in 2 years ( they lasted a month at most Before he rang to get back together and came about because of arguments over cancelled pLans due to his ex ... I said stick together and be a team or go seperate ways . He chose seperate ways .

Upsetting for both of us but amicable and for the best
Difficult practicalities involved .. Long distance relationship and 2 sets of kids etc ... But mostly I feel his ex w did play a big part in proceedings .. changing their shared child care calendar at the last minute , often not turning up to collect children at the last minute when she knew he was due to travel to see me ... . leaving him faced with choice of abandoning children or standing me up ( a no brainer obviously) . For a year before the divorce was finalised I was kept secret as he feared her taking the kids . When it dragged on more and more plans got cancelled

Working through the breakup, alone and with friends support etc !! Both of us wish to remain friends and since we care very much still for the other wish to remain friends and maintain some involvement in each other's lives and see respective children occasionally ( he was close with my son as was in this country a lot for work .. I saw far less of his because of the ex and geography but they are special and dear to me and we spent a couple of lovely holidays all together and they apparently keep asking when they are going to see my ds and I. Facetimed with them as usual through him at weekend and my heart hurt terribly
He has always tried to treat my son and I very well ......paying for ds Xmas present and when I had an operation last year came and nursed me for a week and took care of ds . Has done a lot of very lovely things for me and my child . Loads of Diy etc .

His are 3, 6 and 9 .. My ds is 9 .

Ds is very happy here and settled in school/ socially and my new career is taking off so I have a lot to be grateful for ...and reasons why relocating to be with him as planned was a big step . However my new work is transportable and we thought it would be lovely for all the DC to be part of a carefully considered blended family

But it was a big romantic love thing ( until the arguments started about the cancellations due to the ex ) with some lovely weekends / away together and I went with him on some work trips when ds with my supportive mum and lots of flowers and closeness .

It all came to a head when I went to visit back before Xmas to look at schools for my ds and houses for us to rent together
His DC were at his that week .. Loved being with them .

However ex w kept turning up , demanding I sleep in spare room and shouting that her children were not allowed to be around my son as he has a diagnosis of mild aspergers . She said her kids were not allowed to be around my son and " that woman " . I used to think just a little .. " yeh right all us ex wives are physco .. What's her side of the story" but things his mum and friends told me did raise the thought she may be . But when I met her I just felt truly afraid of her .

I tried to be nice to her but it was distressing for everybody especially the kids . Somebody also .. And I don't know it her but I can't imagine anybody who would do that .. Made an anonymous phone call to the dwp fraud department as I received benefit before I went back to work as I was struggling and training part time .... . they had been told he was living here . It appears to be sorted as could prove he lived abroad and visited only but I was terrified and stressed and could hardly eat or sleep for 6 weeks . Had to get a solicitor to go with me .
He says it is the sort of thing she would do. But shrugged his shoulders and insisted it important we deal with it rather than focus on who did it ( conveniently )

But he never stood up to her to defend me as he was afraid of her withholding the children and I feel it is this fear that has let him u turn on our plans to live together . She has threatened suicide in the past and self harmed around her eldest and he doesn't want to upset her and trigger this off for the children .

Despite having ended the marriage and legally separating / moving out after his youngest was born with the full support of his family and friends ( long before my time ) being divorced and having a childcare agreement he fears this deeply and confessed so

. He says he also now fears another bad domestic situation if he gets into it with me .. He says he knows it is Illogical but he says he can't shake the image of my turning out like her .and can't get over the fear she will run away with his kids. He cried when I spoke with him.. Said he loves me etc .

impartial views or advice greatly appreciated
I feel overwhelming sadness at losing him .. Not afraid of being alone , I am strong ... But I truly do love this man very much . My ds is fine as long as I am happy and upbeat so focusing on him and new work

X

Borninthe60s Thu 28-Jan-16 23:55:14

He's allowing her to manipulate him, something she probably did when they were married. Can he live with you and travel to see his kids? There comes a point where he has to choose and he has and you can't argue with his reasons but it'll be a long time before he is free of her getting her own way if he allows her behaviour to continue.

To support him you could perhaps get him to set firm guidelines with her and see how she responds, if that goes well and he has a settled period with his DC then perhaps you've a chance.

So sad. So sorry for you X

mum2mum99 Thu 28-Jan-16 23:55:44

YANBU she did come between you and it seems she will continue to do so most likely. Unless...does she have a new partner?

PollyPocket100 Thu 28-Jan-16 23:55:45

How do you think he would feel about getting himself some counselling regarding the fears his ex have left him with?

boredbylaundry Fri 29-Jan-16 00:21:34

Thank you for kind words

Polly pocket I have suggested counselling but I can't make him. He just says .. " yes you are probably right "" then argues He is very time poor . But I think he should go . I think he won't go .

Mum2mum no she doesn't have a new partner as far as I know . It would be good if she did . I don't think that is going to happen soon though .. Apparently she won't .. She is very religious and believes divorce is a sin.

He says he can't cope with all the stress and guilt of seeing how hurt I am . He is suddenly performing ly badly at work and fears for his job . He says he has to focus on that

Born in the 60s yes we did discuss him moving over here and visiting his children .. But he travels continually for his job . In short he is only off the road a certain number of days a month. We're he to move here he would be thus have to go visit them on those few days off instead of seeing me

It worked when I could travel with him a bit but now I am working not studying it isn't viable .

Plan was he would arrange his leave for school,holidays and ds and i go there then . Then eventually move once kids all ok with it . But I genuinely fear my son being near her . I think she would make our life hell .

Where they are is very remote and rural though and ex on his doorstep
He moved to another village and she sold the former house and moved there also

Once she found out about me she insisted he be there on his days off whilst she worked ( freelance ) .. All weekends . If I am present She stopped them coming ( upsetting for them, my ds , him and his DC )

goddessofsmallthings Fri 29-Jan-16 00:24:01

You've said that his ex often didn't turn up until the last minute to collect the children "when she knew he was due to travel to see me". How did she know when he was due to see you?

I don't consider that his ex came between you so much as the fact that this was a long distance relationship with a weak willed man whose insecurities have shown that he wasn't willing to commit to you - or, I suspect, to any woman who wants more of him than he wants to give.

I reckon you've dodged a bullet and should be mightily relieved that you didn't change jobs and uproot your ds for a relationship that can only go nowhere while he remains in thrall to his ex.

It sounds as if you've a lot going for you at the moment and, hopefully, you'll meet a lovely unencumbered man living locally who'll be the icing on your cake.

boredbylaundry Fri 29-Jan-16 00:43:49

Thankyou goddess
Am thinking bout what you said
No I don't think he weak if I am honest

She knew when he was coming to see me as ... Difficult to explain without outing self .. He needs to be near a certain airport in the UK to get to and from work and I am nearby . ... she roughly knows his work schedule . SHe would know and he was also quiet open about say leaving Saturday morning to be with me for say a friends birthday Saturday night and Sunday before travelling Monday morning.

He told her whenever I was there and he had the children .... Out of respect

With much warning

He gave her a months schedule of his availability to have kids a month ahead and paid her extra so she could have an au pair

She only works a few days a month and can pick the days almost

boredbylaundry Fri 29-Jan-16 00:46:09

But goddess
The commitment phobe issue does raise it's head yes and I am thinking about that quiet hard

rosewithoutthorns Fri 29-Jan-16 01:00:00

Who let this happen? Him or you?

goddessofsmallthings Fri 29-Jan-16 01:30:52

Two breaks in 2 years and now he wants another one?

See those romantic interludes for what they were - heady fun for you and a diversion for him. If it meant any more to him he would have stood up to his exw, and more especially in view of her alleged behaviour in front of the dc which suggests that they are being emotionally abused, if nothing else, by a dm who has self-harmed in front of them and is not above causing scenes when they are with their df.

He's articulated his fears and it seems he recognises that some are illogical, but it appears he's not going to take any action to resolve them any more than he's going to front it out with his ex, which is why I've described him as being weakwilled.

As his youngest is only 3, it could be that he's yet to truly move on from his marriage and, particularly if he's of the same religious persuasion as his ex, he may be conflicted with guilt at its ending.

In any event, he's not ready for a full on live in relationship with you - or anyone else for that matter - and the only way you can look at it is that it's his loss and a great shame as you've obviously taken his dc to your heart.

Stay friends by all means and maybe you and your ds will be able to have more holidays with him and his dc, but withdraw your emotional investment in him and keep it a in a safe place until a higher interest account comes along, so to speak.

Of course there'll be regret and sadness on your part, but you must see that he alone is the cause of it as, ime, if a man truly wants to be with the woman he loves he'll walk through fire and move mountains to achieve his aim.

TheVeganVagina Fri 29-Jan-16 02:02:29

This does not read of a healthy relationship.
Take the "I love him" bit out and then look again. What would you say to a friend in this situation?

expectantmum79 Sat 30-Jan-16 07:45:43

I think because you still have feelings for him you're blaming the ex too much (it's easy to do that as it distracts from the real problems - I know, I've done it too.)
Once you start apportioning him his fair share of the blame for not standing up for you and for allowing himself to be manipulated you'll be in a better position to move on.
For what it's worth I agree entirely with Goddessofsmallthings but I've been in your shoes and been similarly distracted. There are 3 stages to your recovery from this, the miserable phase, the angry phase and ambivalence. Find your anger with him; it'll help your healing process.xx

expectantmum79 Sat 30-Jan-16 07:48:29

And no, your not being unreasonable as she did come between you.

The key issue though is that he allowed her to.

lighteningirl Sat 30-Jan-16 07:58:25

Firstly I am so sorry heart a difficult stressful sad time, but I have to agree with Goddess you've actually dodged a bullet. Step outside and look at this relationship it's not good for you he's weak willed and you have taken to blaming the rather unpleasant ex for that than him. Stop factoring cut contact and give yourself a bit of time. Relationships do not need 's team's you were quite right to say either it's over or its not and he has sadly given you his answer. All this staying friends malarkey is just actually keeping you hanging on and meaning it's the 'break' he wanted rather than the ending you need. You can do far far far better than a man who let's another woman, any woman, come round shouting about where you sleep. I would also find her worries about your son (made up to be nasty I am sure) so offensive and his ack of defence (sorry poor grammar) is actually vile. Start getting upset and angry start thinking how badly he's behaved I think maybe the reason you aren't is that he has cleverly created a situation where you have to be nice all the time because, poor him, she's the nasty one.

lighteningirl Sat 30-Jan-16 07:59:55

Factoring ~ face timing

Prayingforsnow Sat 30-Jan-16 08:06:40

He couldn't have been split from her for very long when you came along if he has a 3 year old and maybe things haven't had chance to settle down after separation and divorce. Some people seem to move on quickly but exh and I still have issues over the dc four years on. Plus having three children, still all young, is very different from having one.

I agree she has made trouble for you but how committed is he to you if he is not strong enough to enforce boundaries with her?

enderwoman Sat 30-Jan-16 08:25:49

I agree that you've dodged a bullet. He's not ready to commit to a relationship so even if he didn't ask for a break, I really think the relationship would end up in heartbreak for you further down the line. I also wonder how much the ex is being used as a convenient excuse for everything. (I know you've witnessed outbursts but if Saturday nights have gone from access day to party day then that's annoying for her)

I think after divorce it's very important to reflect on yourself and your behaviour and have a period of being single so you can luck your wounds and enjoy the positives in your life- often friends, work, children, hobbies. You need to work out a working relationship with the ex and new routine with the children. Ideally you'd have that all sorted before even thinking about dating another adult and slotting them into your new life.

lunar1 Sat 30-Jan-16 08:41:21

Wether it's all her fault or not isn't really important. The basic fact it that all these events happened within your relationship. He isn't suddenly going to dramatically change and neither is his ex. If you Pursue your relationship it wouldn't suddenly be a magical fairy tail, it would be an escalation of what has already gone on. Is that what you want for you and your ds?

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