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Please help, marriAge and myself

(49 Posts)
Coeliac999 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:13:46

I'm a horrible person and I've realised this today, me and dh are at breaking point. We have been terrible for a while now. I'm terribly insecure, I question EVERYTHING, who he's texting, where he is, accuse him of cheating, looking at other women etc etc and I didn't realise how bad I had become. I have terrible insecurities about myself, I hate myself Infact. I feel really ugly, horrible and not good enough. I can say nasty things but so does dh while arguing. There's just something I can't get over, a while ago I found dh looking at escorts, I also found him talking to a friend of his while I was in bed (who is a well known escort) all conversation was deleted. He claims he was just looking and wasn't interested. I've also found him looking at a lot of transsexual stuff which he later admitted he likes, I've never known this. This was all a good while back but I feel inadequate. So I get defensive and nasty and make everyone's life's a misery because I can't get over stupid things. I want to make this work and I want to be a better person because I feel like a terrible controlling horrible person.

MoominPie22 Thu 28-Jan-16 21:11:01

I don´t blame you for feeling upset with conflicting emotions. You´ve just explained how you found your OH looking at escorts....that´s enough to make ANY woman suspicious!! shock

And as for the transexual stuff.....what a revelation to try and come to terms with! But how do you really, honestly feel about this? Do you truthfully think your marriage can survive if your OH has a fetish/interest for trannies??

I know I couldn´t do it and would have to call it a day. Deal breaker for me, that. flowers

MoominPie22 Thu 28-Jan-16 21:12:03

P.S The flipping escort part would be a deal breaker for me, in fact. angry

Seeyounearertime Thu 28-Jan-16 21:19:45

The transexual stuff is one thing, it's a fantasy that many straight guys have and is no different to any other form of fantasy based porn. If it is a deal breaker for you though then it's something you will have to discuss with him.

looking at escorts and chatting to an escort is a different ball game imo. that shows intent, albeit lazy intent, but intent just the same. or at least that thought must have crossed his mind, otherwise why look?

my mind set always seems to be,
"if they're going to cheat, they'll cheat"
no amount of me beating my brains out will stop it, it'll just make things worse. does that make sense?

so you could drive yourself nuts when he gets a txt, go crazy over every 30 minutes hes late home, stay up late and go through his phones and emails etc. but all that will accomplish is driving you round the bend, it wont stop it from happening, why waste the energy?
In my (albeit limited mind) i just try to trust, but be watchful.

Coeliac999 Thu 28-Jan-16 21:53:12

Thanks for the replies, I just feel I've let myself down the way I've acted, I have made his life a living hell and watched his every move it's not fair, then I break down into floods of tears like an absolute idiot. I do love him, I know what was done was totally out of order but what do I do now, I feel like I'm losing the plot.

Coeliac999 Thu 28-Jan-16 22:10:19

Also I wouldn't of minded the sexual preferences etc if I had of been told and not been made secretive. I feel like a bad person the way I've reacted I do love him dearly and fear for our marriage I just don't know what to do.

Seeyounearertime Thu 28-Jan-16 22:34:58

have you thought about relate or counselling of some sort?

as for the "sexual preference" it has little to do with that. In fact, transexual pornography is mostly consumed by straight men.
It may also be a new discovery on his part and nothing to tell you about in his mind.

Coeliac999 Thu 28-Jan-16 22:34:59

Anyone? Feeling very alone

Coeliac999 Thu 28-Jan-16 22:37:32

No he's liked it for a long long time, some of the escorts he was looking at were transsexual. We have discussed counselling I think we may have to do that...

Coeliac999 Thu 28-Jan-16 23:53:17

Should I go to counselling for being controlling?

timelytess Fri 29-Jan-16 00:00:40

Don't be silly. Your partner is into sex that you can't help him with - its possibly just fantasy but its where he's at. He's also showing willingness to be unfaithful by being interested in escorts.

What part of that is your fault?
Why do you need this man in your life?
This is your third thread, revealing little by little.

Coeliac999 Fri 29-Jan-16 08:38:04

Thanks for your reply sorry for the threads I just really need help with my head, he says he can't deal with this anymore the way I go on etc. I just feel like I e ruined it all, if I decided to forgive him I should of done just that?

BlondeOnATreadmill Fri 29-Jan-16 09:16:44

Bloody hell, he has done a right number on you!

He's looking at Escorts and Transexual stuff - and you're not meant to be upset?????????????????????

Has HE told you, that you're controlling? He is an utter twat. He's VERY VERY clever though. He's the one being utterly inappropriate, but he's made YOU feel like the bad guy.

How has he managed to do this? Is your self esteem that low?

If he was my DH, I would be so fucking raging and he would be kicked out.

You are NOT wrong. He is. Find your anger. You poor thing. xx

Coeliac999 Fri 29-Jan-16 12:21:34

But this all happened so long ago and I said I'd forgive him, but he says he can't do this anymore as the way I treat him isn't fair.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Jan-16 12:25:46

because I can't get over stupid things
I don't think they are stupid things.
They would be deal breakers for me.
Escort sites, talking to escorts....
No way - I wouldn't be with someone like this.
I'm not surprised you behave the way you do.
You can't trust this man.
He sounds like a twat.
Get yourself some counselling to understand why you put up with such shit from someone who is supposed to love you.
I think if you cut this cheating arsehole free, you'd find you aren't controlling at all!

Coeliac999 Fri 29-Jan-16 12:29:21

I've never ever been like this, my ex was controlling so I blamed that but no it's not that. If he's texting someone I usually say oh who you texting? Your mother? Etc and that goes against me? All I was doing was wondering? I wouldn't sit there in silence texting someone? I dunno. He says I'm not a nice person and he's scared to go outside or even breathe because I am so insecure, I suppose I am. But I don't know what to do about it.

pocketsaviour Fri 29-Jan-16 13:16:29

You do sound very insecure, but equally he hasn't exactly done much to earn your trust has he?

I think you should get counselling, on your own. This could help you decide for yourself if you are being unreasonably vigilant or invasive of his privacy, or whether in fact you can't look past the things you discovered in the past, and he is being manipulative.

Just for the record, I would not sit and text someone and anounce to my partner "I'm texting my mum!" "Now I'm texting her back!" "Now I'm texting my brother!" or whatever. I'd just text.

Helmetbymidnight Fri 29-Jan-16 13:20:17

I wouldn't be interested in a partner who looks up escorts on line, who deletes conversations with his escort friend, who gets off on transexuals.

I'm not a horrible person.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Jan-16 13:33:48

I've never ever been like this
I'm sure you haven't but having dealt with the Ex abusive relationship and now this dickhead, it's hardly surprising.
THEY have made you like this.
Please do contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme if you haven't already.

Seriouslyffs Fri 29-Jan-16 13:36:00

It's not you it's him.
See him off with a cheery wave. Then have a break from relationships because your head is spinning and you need to know what a good relationship looks like.

Jan45 Fri 29-Jan-16 14:33:58

Your self esteem won't be helped by a DH who is looking to cheat, if he hasn't done so already, you don't have conversation with Escorts when you are married or in a relationship - there's your first issue.

Your second one is yourself, you'd be better of being on your own so you can work on yourself without having to check over your shoulder what your OH is up to, this is not normal OP, nor healthy and will just destroy what confidence you have left.

Get rid of the pervert first then you will find your anxiety will definitely ease.

Coeliac999 Fri 29-Jan-16 17:26:38

I completely understand what everyone is saying but how do you walk away from someone you love so easily. ? Especially when you have to see them with kids?

Jan45 Fri 29-Jan-16 17:39:23

He's not committed to you anyway OP so why waste your love on a man that is not giving you the same back.

Your reasons for constantly questioning him is because he can't be trusted, he has already shown you that.

Instead of wasting your love and your brain power trying to catch him out you need to accept that this is not what you deserve and get angry.

I think he is a very snide man who isn't interested in giving you any commitment.

You will feel a hell of a lot better if you have a life that doesn't include worrying about your partner cheating with Escorts.

Coeliac999 Fri 29-Jan-16 19:07:31

I just don't understand why he would marry me and have children with me if he wasn't bothered about us, I'm so hurt I can't stop crying I wish I could be angry

Coeliac999 Fri 29-Jan-16 19:08:11

But do men not look at escorts for a wank?

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