I'm a horrible person and I've realised this today, me and dh are at breaking point. We have been terrible for a while now. I'm terribly insecure, I question EVERYTHING, who he's texting, where he is, accuse him of cheating, looking at other women etc etc and I didn't realise how bad I had become. I have terrible insecurities about myself, I hate myself Infact. I feel really ugly, horrible and not good enough. I can say nasty things but so does dh while arguing. There's just something I can't get over, a while ago I found dh looking at escorts, I also found him talking to a friend of his while I was in bed (who is a well known escort) all conversation was deleted. He claims he was just looking and wasn't interested. I've also found him looking at a lot of transsexual stuff which he later admitted he likes, I've never known this. This was all a good while back but I feel inadequate. So I get defensive and nasty and make everyone's life's a misery because I can't get over stupid things. I want to make this work and I want to be a better person because I feel like a terrible controlling horrible person.
I don´t blame you for feeling upset with conflicting emotions. You´ve just explained how you found your OH looking at escorts....that´s enough to make ANY woman suspicious!!
And as for the transexual stuff.....what a revelation to try and come to terms with! But how do you really, honestly feel about this? Do you truthfully think your marriage can survive if your OH has a fetish/interest for trannies??
I know I couldn´t do it and would have to call it a day. Deal breaker for me, that.
The transexual stuff is one thing, it's a fantasy that many straight guys have and is no different to any other form of fantasy based porn. If it is a deal breaker for you though then it's something you will have to discuss with him.
looking at escorts and chatting to an escort is a different ball game imo. that shows intent, albeit lazy intent, but intent just the same. or at least that thought must have crossed his mind, otherwise why look?
my mind set always seems to be, "if they're going to cheat, they'll cheat" no amount of me beating my brains out will stop it, it'll just make things worse. does that make sense?
so you could drive yourself nuts when he gets a txt, go crazy over every 30 minutes hes late home, stay up late and go through his phones and emails etc. but all that will accomplish is driving you round the bend, it wont stop it from happening, why waste the energy? In my (albeit limited mind) i just try to trust, but be watchful.
Thanks for the replies, I just feel I've let myself down the way I've acted, I have made his life a living hell and watched his every move it's not fair, then I break down into floods of tears like an absolute idiot. I do love him, I know what was done was totally out of order but what do I do now, I feel like I'm losing the plot.
Also I wouldn't of minded the sexual preferences etc if I had of been told and not been made secretive. I feel like a bad person the way I've reacted I do love him dearly and fear for our marriage I just don't know what to do.
have you thought about relate or counselling of some sort?
as for the "sexual preference" it has little to do with that. In fact, transexual pornography is mostly consumed by straight men. It may also be a new discovery on his part and nothing to tell you about in his mind.
Thanks for your reply sorry for the threads I just really need help with my head, he says he can't deal with this anymore the way I go on etc. I just feel like I e ruined it all, if I decided to forgive him I should of done just that?
because I can't get over stupid things I don't think they are stupid things. They would be deal breakers for me. Escort sites, talking to escorts.... No way - I wouldn't be with someone like this. I'm not surprised you behave the way you do. You can't trust this man. He sounds like a twat. Get yourself some counselling to understand why you put up with such shit from someone who is supposed to love you. I think if you cut this cheating arsehole free, you'd find you aren't controlling at all!
I've never ever been like this, my ex was controlling so I blamed that but no it's not that. If he's texting someone I usually say oh who you texting? Your mother? Etc and that goes against me? All I was doing was wondering? I wouldn't sit there in silence texting someone? I dunno. He says I'm not a nice person and he's scared to go outside or even breathe because I am so insecure, I suppose I am. But I don't know what to do about it.
You do sound very insecure, but equally he hasn't exactly done much to earn your trust has he?
I think you should get counselling, on your own. This could help you decide for yourself if you are being unreasonably vigilant or invasive of his privacy, or whether in fact you can't look past the things you discovered in the past, and he is being manipulative.
Just for the record, I would not sit and text someone and anounce to my partner "I'm texting my mum!" "Now I'm texting her back!" "Now I'm texting my brother!" or whatever. I'd just text.
I've never ever been like this I'm sure you haven't but having dealt with the Ex abusive relationship and now this dickhead, it's hardly surprising. THEY have made you like this. Please do contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme if you haven't already.
Your self esteem won't be helped by a DH who is looking to cheat, if he hasn't done so already, you don't have conversation with Escorts when you are married or in a relationship - there's your first issue.
Your second one is yourself, you'd be better of being on your own so you can work on yourself without having to check over your shoulder what your OH is up to, this is not normal OP, nor healthy and will just destroy what confidence you have left.
Get rid of the pervert first then you will find your anxiety will definitely ease.