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Separating from my husband

(38 Posts)
GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:22:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Funinthesun15 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:28:44

He is refusing to move out of the house

In a way he is actually correct in that unless he is abusive or you are, if he seemed legal advice, it would usually be for him to stay in the house until divorce and finances are sorted.

Legally no he doesn't have the 'right' to stop you taking the DC but nor do you have the 'right' to take them either. You are both their parents.

Funinthesun15 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:29:45

*seeked not seemed

juneau Thu 28-Jan-16 16:36:26

OP you need legal advice immediately. You know you want to divorce, you tried to start the process two years ago, but your H persuaded you to give it one more try. You tried, it didn't work. You need to get the ball rolling or this will drag on forever. Please, book at appointment with a solicitor and start the process. Your H is blackmailing you. Don't let him. Have the courage of your convictions! You can divorce him without his permission, you know.

ivykaty44 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:38:40

He can stay in the house and he can ask for shared access for the dc, so they spend half the time with him.

You can choose to leave and you can set up a new life but you don't have a tight to make the dc move out of their home.

Why do you say the marital home needs to be sold now? If it isn't more than four bed it could be said any sale must wait until the youngest is 18 - otherwise where are the dc going to live?

Nottodaythankyouorever Thu 28-Jan-16 16:39:29

I think some of it is because he 'isn't on the same page' as you.

You made up your mind you wanted to separate and told him. He still wants to work on thinks. It maybe a case of getting his head around it.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:39:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shutthatdoor Thu 28-Jan-16 16:41:03

Do most people really continue living together until a divorce and finances are sorted?!

Yes they do.

Balders74 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:41:08

I was in a similar situation this time last year. My relationship with STBXH was toxic and we were all unhappy. It is not a good environment to bring up children. When I told him it was over he was shocked and surprised, didn't see it coming! He told me I was making a mistake and that he didn't want to lose his children etc. He was not working so he couldn't move out and it took 3 looooong months for him to finally move out.

Those 3 months were awful but he did finally move out, when I made it clear that I wasn't going to change my mind. I stopped behaving like a wife i.e. stopped cooking, washing his clothes, didn't sleep in the same bed (I shared a bed with my 15yo DD for 3 months).

A year later and the divorce is due to be finalised in the next month and we are all so much happier. Things are amicable on the surface with STBXH although he is still being difficult about the house.

If you are adamant that this is what you want then stick to your guns. If he can afford to support your marital home on his own then go and rent a house for you and the DC. They will adjust to the change if it means you are both happier in the long run.

I would recommend getting some legal advice about the DC and the house etc.

Keep posting, most of us are supportive and will be a shoulder should you need one flowers

Funinthesun15 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:42:21

Do most people really continue living together until a divorce and finances are sorted?!

Yes many many do.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:44:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balders74 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:45:42

I'm sorry Shutthatdoor but that is rubbish in my experience. It can take up to a year for a divorce to be granted and there is no way that people live together while that happens.

OP get some legal advice ASAP. As their Mother and (probable) main carer you are entitled to stay in the house until the youngest is 18, however you could move into a rented property and take the DC with you and set up visitation with their father.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:46:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duckdeamon Thu 28-Jan-16 16:50:34

why did you assume he'd make it easy / give you what you want with respect to custody of the DC and housing?

You need a short-term plan, some legal advice and perhaps counselling or mediation about handling the break up to help the DC.

Shutthatdoor Thu 28-Jan-16 16:50:53

I'm sorry Shutthatdoor but that is rubbish in my experience. It can take up to a year for a divorce to be granted and there is no way that people live together while that happens

Yes they do. I did. My DH did. Look at places like wikivorce it is talked about all them time.

My neighbours currently are as is my best friend and her stbx.

Balders74 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:51:40

So was mine but it became clear that I wasn't going to change my mind and the situation was making the DC very unhappy. He eventually moved out on Mother's Day last year (How ironic!).

Things are so much better. The DC and I laugh, spend time together in the same room (no more hiding in their rooms), we argue (in a healthy way) and things are 100% better.

My STBXH cried about losing his DC but now a year later he has our DS every other weekend and doesn't contact either of them in between times. DD has decided she doesn't want to spend time with him. They will say anything to make you feel sorry for them and potentially change your mind. Stay strong, it will be so worth it in the end.

Bubblesinthesummer Thu 28-Jan-16 16:53:20

you are entitled to stay in the house until the youngest is 18

Not necessarily true. It maybe that it is best for it to be sold for example.

It isn't as simple as 'you are entitled to stay as you are the main carer'.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:53:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duckdeamon Thu 28-Jan-16 17:08:03

But that's still saying that you assumed he'd move out of the family home and go along with your plans: if he's going to be your ex for good reasons, that was an unlikely scenario, and it'd be sensible to plan on the basis that will disagree with some or all your plans.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 17:28:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Thu 28-Jan-16 17:34:57

You legal advice of course.
I have some sympathy with him that you want to end it, and he's expected to move out.
There may be good practical reasons for that - but not necessarily.

Just on the kids going back to their old house... Have you thought about it that actually it might make it easier for them? It will feel more like home than suddenly 'visiting' dad in a new place.

I don't like 'visiting' btw - his home will also be their home.

I let my ex stay in the marital home (delayed him having to buy me out) because I didn't want us to sell up as I thought the continuity of gaining one new home not two was better for our child.

It hasn't been an issue for her at all, going to her dad's when it's the place we all used to live in.

If he's able to buy you out, don't rule out letting him stay there.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 17:49:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 18:17:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits Thu 28-Jan-16 18:24:25

There is no moral high ground attached to assuming the ostrich position. Where does what's best for the children fit in his world? Oh he wants to purposely bring them up in a relationship with no love between the parents. There is a huge back story here, I'm sure!

ohdearymeee Thu 28-Jan-16 18:56:07

I went through something similar last year, my stbxh wouldn't move out (friends and his family told him not to. I've out!) and my winter last year was hell as I spent most of my free time after putting kids to be in my room. Stbxh seemed to think I would snap out of it, but after 3 months of living in same house but seperate I found a rental house and me and kids moved out, it felt such a relief! House was sold and assets split. Kids were upset but adjusted to new life and saw him regularly.

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