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Why, when he has got what he wants, is "D"H still being so horrible to me?

(24 Posts)
Heartbroken4 Thu 28-Jan-16 01:14:47

He has left, and I am picking-up the pieces with our children, but he is still being rude, swearing at me, slow to respond to practical messages (even though I was prompt responding to his queries when he had the children), dismissive and hurtful on social media. Why? sad

TendonQueen Thu 28-Jan-16 01:27:14

From the sound of it, because he is self-absorbed and/or not very nice. The good news is that down the line you'll be glad you're shot of him, but unfortunately you've got to get through this bit first. I'd end the conversation if he starts swearing at you.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 28-Jan-16 01:40:11

It doesn't matter why he does it, all that matters now is that you learn not to rise to it. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.

Please don't contact him via social media. No 'likes', no comments, no messages. As a matter of fact, you should 'unfriend' him. Communicate via text or email.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by 'practical messages'. Ask him nothing you don't absolutely have to. Tell him nothing. One word responses and don't jump to attention when he texts you. Don't cater to his arseholiness.

But as far as why he does it, because he's a prick. And because he knows he can get away with it.

Traxy637ww Thu 28-Jan-16 01:48:51

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Heartbroken4 Thu 28-Jan-16 01:57:56

Questions about the children, Pond, it was the first w/e he had them.

Wise advice, both of you. Yes, Tendon he is self-absorbed. He left Friday evening, the children are devastated, Monday he "unmarried" me on Facebook and Tuesday he "friended" one of the OW.

sleeponeday Thu 28-Jan-16 02:19:42

He's behaving this way because if he didn't demonise, hate and resent you, he'd have to accept he has behaved appallingly and hurt you very badly. This would make him feel bad, and so at some level he will feel bad, and then he will be even angrier with you because you are making him feel bad, so he will hate you more.

It's weird, but so common. The worse someone has treated a spouse, the more they seem to hate them. It's as if they have to, to justify their own shittiness.

Defriend and block him. Only make basic arrangements for the kids via email - try and insist on a set routine, so you don't need contact and they feel secure and that they have something to rely on, too.

This is going to burn so horribly and I am so sorry. But it WILL end - better days honestly, truly do lie ahead. And someone this selfish and entitled will never, long term, make you or anyone happy. flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 28-Jan-16 02:21:48

heartbroken - it's all part of the script.
He may be feeling some level of guilt about his leaving/cheating; but he won't like to feel guilty, so he will turn it all around so that YOU are the guilty party, the reason he left. YOU did it all wrong, you made him feel like he had to escape, YOU are the "bad" one, not him. So he keeps up the barrage of abuse because it's him making sure that he keeps his own guilt out of the picture.

I know it doesn't make sense to you, why would it? and that it's incredibly hurtful, but now he has "checked out" of your relationship, he has changed, pretty much irrevocably. All the character traits of his that didn't "fit" into your relationship, that he may have suppressed over the years to try and fit better with you, all of those will be coming to the fore now - this is why it's quite common for people to say "he's changed completely" or "I never knew he was like this" after a split.

He is re-writing his history with you to justify leaving you - you are already someone you wouldn't recognise if you heard what he said about you.

Please get off his social media. Block him. Have one email address that he can contact him on, but stay away from his social media, all you would be doing is poking the wound harder. You won't hear/read anything good on there.

And as others have said, don't rise to it. Stay calm and icily civil - this man is not the man you loved and were married to, he's someone else now.

So very sorry to hear you're going through this, it is utter shit and can take a long time to get past - but you will. One day at a time, stop and breathe - you can do it. thankswine

MistressDeeCee Thu 28-Jan-16 02:28:15

Is he one of those pricks with a Facebook harem of women playing the "pick me" dance, fawning over his every utterance? I just wondered, as you mentioned FB a couple of times. Definitely unfriend him on FB do NOT engage beyond what is absolutely necessary Text him back letting him know if he swears at you you will end the conversation. Same for emails make sure you've emailed to say you won't put up with it. Short, and sweet. Don't entertain any talk except for what is absolutely necessary. & make sure you mean it

He's hurt you and is making you feel like crap..but since you are already feeling that way there is no point allowing his continued disrespect make you feel worse. Don't give a shit about what he says on social media. Anyone who listens to him isn't anyone you need around your life anyway, let them get on with it. Good luck to the OW - he'll de-value her too soon enough, men who speak to and treat women like this are no good, period. He's no prize

He just wants to spite you and show off to you and all others who will listen to his yapping, that he has a brilliant life now. His ego is talking, when people are no longer interested in him gossiping it will be another story

Do yourself a favour and as bad as you feel, get angry and toughen up - he should have been blocked on FB already it will only upset you further seeing what he is up to. If you have joint friends and they try to speak to you about him then politely ask them not to.

The aim is to get through this as best you can, however you can, if you can't go through it alone then seek help. But initially you must stop his verbal and emotional abuse of you right now.

Heartbroken4 Thu 28-Jan-16 02:50:35

Ah, DeeCee, it is very early days. I have texted him to tell him there is no reason to talk to me he way he does. In fact, the final series of events which culminated in his leaving began with me challenging him on how he had made me cry every night on the phone (he works away).

My Solicitor who he agreed to pay for is going to write a sort of cease and desist letter, where other boundaries are laid out. I spoke to her today.

I also, genuinely accidentally, sent him a text about himself, detailing how little time the children had spent talking to him and how two refused and one was distracted. I did make them turn-off the dvd when he called but, previously, I would translate what the little ones were saying, add context, remind the big ones of what they had done ... All four were done in just over 2 1/2 minutes.

Thumb your first post seems very accurate. Actually, when the Solicitor asked if I was aiming for "amicable", I said, no, "civil". He does not like me standing-up to him. Apparently, the OW likes him "cocky" and "arrogant" good job ; I thought we were a partnership, equals.

PitPatKitKat Thu 28-Jan-16 03:24:33


Agree with pp, no social media contact. It'll drive you insane having a constant feed of his selfish antics.

You're right to aim for civil. And a cease and desist letter from your solicitor is another great idea. You're getting those those boundaries built. Build them high and strong.

They'll be a great defence for all the childish nonsense he will throw your way, especially when he realises he can't push your buttons any more.

The only other thing I would say is that, it would be really predictable for him to start using those tricks (being selfish, ignoring needs, provoking tears etc) with your children, as a way of provoking a reaction out of you. It's sad and shit but I think probably all too likely. It might be an idea to start thinking about how you will handle that.

You are already stronger and better than he is because you said "enough, no more". Just think in positive terms what you and your children need, and leave him behind as much as you can, mentally as well as practically.

brew cake

AcrossthePond55 Thu 28-Jan-16 03:31:50

Yes, he has to believe that he has done no wrong. The only way to do that is to paint you as 'at fault'. So to me, you aren't going to be able to do anything 'right' because he has to feel that you are 'wrong', iyswim. That's why you need to keep calm, unemotional, and as brief as possible. If he raises his voice, swears, or insults you simply say calmly "I will not allow you to speak to me so disrespectfully. If you don't change your tone this conversation is over". If he doesn't ramp it down, hang up or order him out. Never ask "Why are you talking to me like that?" or say "You are hurting my feelings". He doesn't care. Instead you tell him what you will not tolerate.

It may be that you have to learn to step outside your 'comfort zone' to challenge him. But you'll have to. Because you have children together, he will be in your life for a long time, at least until the children grow up. You don't want to spend those years upset or 'kowtowing' to what he wants.

It's early days though. Try to find your own 'equilibrium'. Do you think counseling would help you work through the shit he pulled and help you become more assertive?

Somewhere on here there's a fred called "midlife crisis, here's the script" (although that might not be the exact words) - worth finding and having a look.

People have mentioned the "pick me dance" - that's from - a most excellent website with good articles that are both funny amd rage-inducing - the perfect antidote to feeling helpless.

Get strong and mighty! Life will get better, I promise you! smile flowers

WavingNotDrowning Thu 28-Jan-16 06:18:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cocacolaandchocolate Thu 28-Jan-16 06:35:35

Keep strong op. Do not allow him to pull you down.

Take advice from above about Facebook. Destined him. 🌺

Cocacolaandchocolate Thu 28-Jan-16 06:36:19

Nope defriend him. Not destined him

hellsbellsmelons Thu 28-Jan-16 10:21:33

Apparently, the OW likes him "cocky" and "arrogant"
For now she does - so she keep her wonderful 'prize' prize cock more like
She'll soon start to hate it.
As others have said. Delete, block and ignore.
Any contact other than to do with the kids is a no, no. You are quite within your rights to ignore him totally.

ravenmum Thu 28-Jan-16 10:25:03

If you defriend them you might still see their comments when they reply to friends etc. If you block them you don't see anything about them.

ricketytickety Thu 28-Jan-16 10:36:30

Because making you feel like shit makes you easier to control.

Time to block all contact and only text about pick up time for dc. Even that will be minimal if you agree when he has them for consistent contact. He will probably try and mess you around but be firm and fair. If he wants to swap it around it needs to be for a bloody good reason like he's unable to have them because he is very ill.

Remember, ow will have to deal with being cheated on now. She is stuck with him. You are free. Watch from a distance as he screws over other people whilst you are free. But don't be tempted to socialmedia watch as this is all guff and hotair and not a real represntation of his/her lives.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Thu 28-Jan-16 10:48:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressDeeCee Thu 28-Jan-16 10:53:11

OP great idea re. cease and desist letter, good for you. He won't care that he makes you cry on the phone, its all part of the game - nasty to you when nobody can hear him, publicly the victim who has triumphed and gone on to a better life without you. He isn't going to say "sorry" and become reasonable. This is who he is.

The more you are involved in the game, the more they get off on it. Take back your power and refuse to play anymore ie completely take away the thrill and interaction of the nasty game for him. Thats making it clear to him you don't want to know about him, OW, etc. No big discussion about it, just disengage. Get to a point when its not about seeing his face/hearing his voice at all, its about healing yourself.

When you refuse to engage all thats left for him to do is get enraged and keep talking about you - again, good luck to the OW with her "prize", listening to him go on & on about you should do her good.... how romantic.

As other posters have suggested, counselling is a good idea, its very hard to go through traumatic situations like yours. Exercise and taking care of health too, seems to go a very long way to helping you on the road to feeling better

Have a read of "Baggage Reclaim" site - can be pretty tough talking in parts but makes sense of this crazy-making behaviour some men pull, and how to get yourself to a place where you can function better

Good luck

starry0ne Thu 28-Jan-16 11:02:14

I agree with others.Keep contact to a minimum....He enjoys upsetting you.

You need to start a new page... This man is not who you think he is...Only briefest converstations about children ..Anything else through sol..

Any ranty replies, hurt upset show him he has got to you..

also you must block him on

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Jan-16 12:47:05

I don't know the background but however he used to be, now he disrespects you. He has no regards for you or your feelings. In his head he has detached entirely, you're just an obstacle to his happiness. As there is someone else in the picture, he wants to make it obvious to the world he no longer shows you any loyalty. If OW thinks these traits are attractive she's set the bar very low. For the sake of your children I would retain your composure when dealing with him and if your in-laws have deserted you then at least you'll be rid of them.

Redcrayons Thu 28-Jan-16 13:11:15

Mine sounds very similar. It's all My fault, he's done the weepy sad eyes with mutual friends who now think I'm heartless cow.

The only topic areas I discuss are the children, the house and joint finances. and keep it very basic and factual. Anything else I just ignore.
Fortunately he's the worlds most self centred prick so he never asks me about anything that doesn't affect him (still waiting for an answer to my text telling him my sis has crashed her car 3 years ago).
Ditch him on FB. You're better off not knowing what he's doing.
Mine blocked me on FB the day he left and I didn't accept his friend request when he decided later he wanted to know what I was up to.

It's so tough.

Heartbroken4 Thu 28-Jan-16 19:23:54

Thanks to all. Thursday is a very busy day, so I will pop back later. Appreciate the comments.

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