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4 year relationship finished today and I am gutted.

(37 Posts)
Resilience16 Wed 27-Jan-16 22:09:02

My 4 year long distance relationship finally limped to a finish today and oh God it hurts so much.
Tried so hard to make it work, but things began to get EA,escalating over Xmas.
I KNOW I am doing the right thing, but I feel like I have lost my right arm. I really wanted this to work. I am so scared for the future .I am 49, got a 6 year old who dotes on him,the thought of breaking it to her is making me sob.Her dad is an absolute tw@t, he will be overjoyed when he hears we have split up.
I feel so lost, so sick, so useless. All hugs gratefully received.

ChampagneTastes Wed 27-Jan-16 22:13:04

I'm so sorry. Breaks are hard even when they're the best option. But it will get better and your DD will be ok. flowers Tomorrow will be a better day.

Resilience16 Wed 27-Jan-16 22:18:37

thanku x

ChampagneTastes Sat 30-Jan-16 23:03:07

How are you doing OP?

Tiggeryoubastard Sat 30-Jan-16 23:07:20

No hug, winecake though, far more enjoyable (I've not showered yet after work, drive over hills through driving snow, gym and, of all things, a glass of Pernod [dont ask]).

Tiggeryoubastard Sat 30-Jan-16 23:09:03

Oh, and ignore twatty ex, this is the next step to your happier future, though you don't feel it yet, bit like my fitter future and the gym.

Resilience16 Sat 30-Jan-16 23:18:38

Thanks both. Taking it day by day . Have done the boohooing in work bit, friends and colleagues being really supportive while I was dripping snot on my keyboard!
He text me last night, old me would have crumbled and responded,but this time I didn't. Onwards and upwards x

ChampagneTastes Sun 31-Jan-16 08:25:51

Well done for not responding. Good that you've got work support. Have you got plans? I am of the view that it's always good to have something to aim for or look forward to when life seems a bit bleak.

bb888 Sun 31-Jan-16 08:41:17

Well done for ignoring the text. You sound like you are feeling stronger even over a few days. Great that you have good support from your friends. I hope it all starts looking positive really soon.

Resilience16 Sun 31-Jan-16 10:02:03

Thank you peeps. It's weird, because it was long distance at the moment it feels kind if business as usual, as we saw each other intermittently anyway. Then I remember I won't see him again and that hurts. But I definitely know I've done the right thing this time. I've tried so hard over the last four years and given him so many chances, but all that happened was the E A stuff ramped up.
Stepping away from it and looking back I can see how unhealthy it had gotten and how I had tried to normalize what was really shitty abusive behaviour. Whenever I tried to confront him about it I got told Well that's how I am....and that does grind you down eventually.
So now I am away from him it is a bloody relief on so many levels. No more walking on eggshells. No more wondering what mood he would wake up in . No more worrying what would set him off this time. No more listening to the endless monologues if how hard done by he was in work, in his band, in life etc etc, while anything I experienced was minimized or trivialized or ignored.
If this all sounds very negative, there were good times too, just enough to keep me investing in the relationship, just enough to make me hope things would improve, but gradually the good times got less and less, the sex got less and less or only his terms and I could see the writing in the wall.
Thank God I have got friends who are supportive. He did try to isolate me from them, and if we had been living together he might if succeeded. I can understand how scary it must be to try and escape from an abusive situation if you feel you have no outside support, and this is where things like mumsnet are so great.
So for me onwards and upwards. I am going to investigate the Freedom course, to help me avoid choosing another abusive relationship. I do need to take responsibility for my choices in life, and try to make better ones, but I also know I am not responsible for someone else's abusive behaviour.
Thank you to all of you for your kind words of support.
Tally ho! X

Resilience16 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:29:13

Been feeling very down and raw yesterday and today. Having to really stop myself from contacting him. The evenings are the worst, as we used to chat most evenings. I still know I am doing the right thing, but it is so hard, feeling this down and lonely. Loads of other family shit going on also and I just feel overwhelmed. Want to run away.

bouquetdiva Thu 04-Feb-16 19:53:16

I think it sometimes gets harder before it starts to get easier. Try to keep busy and read these threads for similar stories and suggestions from experienced posters. You are worth more than this and will find a man who makes you happy. flowers

Angieyy1 Thu 04-Feb-16 20:11:14

I'm so sorry your going through this I have just split with my partner and also my son has asked today when he can see him I have t told him .... It's one of the most painful situations to be in I honestly feel what your going through xx

Inexperiencedchick Thu 04-Feb-16 21:00:11

flowers it will definitely get better, just keep believing.

Hugs, xxx

Resilience16 Thu 04-Feb-16 22:00:43

Thank you all x just got to get thro this one day at a time.

Denton89 Thu 04-Feb-16 23:44:43

Give your DD lots of love and attention and don't make the split seem like a big deal. She will get over him easily so long as you don't make an issuebig deal out of it in front of her. Onwards and upwards.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 05-Feb-16 10:05:37

I'm sorry it's crap right now but it will get better.
(((((HUGS))))) for you.
Try to keep busy, do daft things with your DD.
You'll get there.

Resilience16 Sat 06-Feb-16 08:32:04

Thank you for all the support peeps. I am missing him a lot at the minute, all the Valentine's stuff everywhere doesn't help! Have taken all the photos down, that was hard, all the reminders of happier times.
Uuurgh, got to keep busy and believe it will get better.

MorrisZapp Sat 06-Feb-16 08:35:35

Was he wonderful to you on valentines day?

Resilience16 Sat 06-Feb-16 15:58:46

We had some good times. That's the killer. I have to remember there were a lot of bad times too, but it's the good bits I am missing so badly at the minute.Trying to concentrate on going forward, when all I really want to do is run back.

Resilience16 Mon 08-Feb-16 15:12:39

Plodding through the days, he has posted my keys back, sorry I forgot I had these. Nice. Slept on his side of the bed last night, it felt odd.

LineyReborn Mon 08-Feb-16 15:19:11

You do sound strong, though. I hope you and your DD are doing ok. You've done a difficult but good thing. flowers

Resilience16 Mon 08-Feb-16 16:58:22

Thanks liney. Still not told daughter as yet. Just said he is busy with his band at the moment.

LineyReborn Mon 08-Feb-16 19:27:21

I'd tell her an age-appropriate version of the truth, tbh. Show her how very strong you are, even if you feel a bit sad. And then have a couple of really special days together, even if it's 'just' doing activities at home.

Resilience16 Wed 10-Feb-16 17:27:56

Some days are harder than others. Today is hard. Can't stop thinking about him, all the whys and what ifs.Pointless I know.Trying to resist the temptation to contact him. Cold turkey is hard.

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