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Dealing with narcissist mum 'friend'

(12 Posts)
LovelyBath Wed 27-Jan-16 16:34:26

Any ideas or advice? Main problems are around using people, borrowing money, exploiting people, I guess the main one affecting me is around the children. I want them to stay friends but need to avoid being used. Help!

Hissy Wed 27-Jan-16 16:44:20

Why do you want your kids within a million miles of her?

Walk away. Find someone more compatible with your family.

LovelyBath Wed 27-Jan-16 16:55:49

OK the boys are mates, have been for years at school (they are ten) I only realised over time what she was like. I feel a bit sorry for her son, he's a nice kid. The dad is stable. I was thinking they will soon be of an age they can meet up separate for their parents, but yes would be concerned about having her around. I wonder about keeping contact to a minimum and only where the children are concerned? E.g polite and stand offish, as in how would be with other mums at school where the children are friends...

LovelyBath Wed 27-Jan-16 19:15:58

Do you think, though it would affect the son, like would he start developing the same behaviour?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 27-Jan-16 19:21:50

Yes, treat her like other Mums. Why is that a problem?

Floowho Wed 27-Jan-16 20:27:05

I went nc with a friend who I learnt was manipulative and a compulsive liar, but my ds are friends with her ds. The only contact we have now is about the boys getting together. I just feel sorry for her children.

Hissy Wed 27-Jan-16 20:57:15

People like that ruin every life they come into contact with.

Too toxic for you, too toxic for your child and certainly for her own.

Phase her out of your lives.

Potterwolfie Wed 27-Jan-16 21:10:59

I had the unfortunate experience of getting close to a mum soon after moving to new country, only to discover later that she was/is a controlling and irrational narcissist who goes through friends faster than you'd believe possible. It was stressful, hurtful, demoralising and confidence denting. By the time her true self came to light, our DSs were very close, so I remained civil for the sake of the kids but very distant for the sake of my sanity.

Thankfully we moved countries and I will never have to see her ever again!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 28-Jan-16 12:03:39

Do you have trouble saying 'no' to her?

If you are on to her using you then try casually throwing that out there with your next excuse when you can't do something for her -as a suggestion...'you'll have to use someone else for that'.

If she is triggered with anger at that, explain that all you were saying was to ask someone else (but now she will know you are on to her). Then expect her to drop you like a hot potato: result. There may be an associated tissy fit, name calling and character assignation for her to "save face". But do not engage in any of it. Let her have the last word.

Don't worry what other mums think about what she might say about you- they have probably already sussed her out.

The above posters are right though. Because kids are friends doesn't mean the parents have to be. And kids are smart. At ten, your son is old enough to start having his own social boundaries. If his friend starts crappy behavior, your son may well choose to distance himself on his own. Perhaps you can address this with him as a teachable moment in how and when to say 'no' even to people who are our friends.

LovelyBath Thu 28-Jan-16 12:09:56

Thanks for the replies. Run Rabbit I do always try to be polite and patient, however it is difficult to keep things at a distance. For example, if I ask her child to play then she will expect it for other times (usually last minute) to benefit her, or sometimes she will suggest things to the children without asking me first, things like that. I have to have really strong boundaries.

In terms of saying 'no' to her I have got much more assertive at that, much more so that I'd usually be with most people because you can get into the situation where you give an inch and she will take a mile. For example, I usually only communicate by text and try and plan things in advance. I can always arrange things with he dad although his time with his son is limited and I don't want to get in the way of that.

LovelyBath Thu 28-Jan-16 12:12:22

PS the replies are really useful,many thanks! I did laugh at the idea of saying 'you can use someone else for that' that was great!!

Floowho Thu 28-Jan-16 16:22:32

She sounds like a pita.

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