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Started EA and now it's all gone wrong

(17 Posts)
CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 13:00:02

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible and offer up more background if it becomes relevant.

About 7 years ago my DH had an affair which started as EA and then escalated. It took him an extraordinarily long time for him to end things with the OW and was still in contact with her via Social Media last July. Yes... it's been YEARS!

I attempted to leave him a couple of times but felt couldn't deal with the associated financial hardships, kids were distraught and wanted to go back home. He refused to leave the family home. We have attempted on numerous occasions to rebuild our relationship and he saw a counsellor for a while.

For most of the duration of his affair I was a complete mess. Overweight and depressed. I felt thoroughly undesirable. Low self esteem etc.

About a year ago something snapped and I decided to get off my arse and set about putting myself back together. I left my boring job and have started a new business, lost weight, started wearing more makeup, had my hair sorted out and generally taken better care of myself. I feel so much better.

As part of my work I've met many new people and attended social functions as part of what I do.

I've realised over the past year that I'm actually an attractive woman and men have started reacting to me, in a way I'm completely unfamiliar with (having hidden away and felt disgusting for years). I'm not going to lie... I've thoroughly enjoyed it.

Anyway... Last Autumn I developed a friendship with a man. Up until Christmas we were in contact most days by text / phone / message. We've never met alone, always at functions.

Have to say I was feeling very positive and enjoying the attention. Which I know is selfish of me.

He phoned me on Christmas Eve to say that he wouldn't be able to phone me for a couple of weeks and that he'd phone me early in the new year. Totally understandable, family time etc.

Basically he didn't phone. I waited several days and then messaged him. He then phoned (after I'd basically prompted him), but has only phoned once again since. Also he's been responding far less to me on social media and his 'tone' has completely changed.

I'm currently feeling rather devastated and stupid. Something has obviously happened over Christmas.

I've been crying most days for the last couple of weeks, as I miss him. I really enjoyed talking to him about nothing in particular.

Currently feeling properly depressed and unsure where I go from here.

arsenaltilidie Wed 27-Jan-16 13:09:02

do you want to spend more time with your husband?

It's highly unlikely the communication has stopped with the OW.

Zucker Wed 27-Jan-16 13:11:54

Forget this man, he's found new interest in his wife over Christmas and you don't want to be the fall back again when he gets bored with her again do you?

Also get rid of your not so "D"H, you don't need to settle for him. He's the one dragging you down. Get some actual legal advice about what you're entitled to. How old are the children? It's your life too, why should this be your life?

CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 13:17:48

I have very mixed feelings about my DH...
He provides in all practical senses and is a good Dad, never objects to me going out (I go out a lot more than him). I don't hate him. We get on ok.
But I don't fancy him and we rarely have sex. When we do, it's not great. He's never actually been that good even years ago.
I got advice last year from the CAB and basically we'd be £700 worse off. Unless I get work that covers it, I can't survive. That's why I set up my new business. But it will be at least another year before its bringing in a decent amount.

CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 13:20:31

I used to focus entirely on DH and the OW, but haven't for a while. I've worked hard on looking after myself. It's just such a shame this new 'friend' has knocked my confidence. I think you are probably right about his wife. It's a shame as he did make me laugh and our discussions were usually useful ones about work issues.

pippistrelle Wed 27-Jan-16 13:20:55

Perhaps he woke up to what he was doing so wants to cool things before he breaks up his own relationship/family, if he has one: that's a good thing. You don't want to be involved in that.

You need now to focus on your own relationship. Is it possible it could be fixed? At the very least, it's time for an honest conversation with your husband. The way might be clearer after that.

CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 13:22:09

As for the OW... I'm fairly certain she dumped him and moved on in October. My DH was depressed for about two weeks following occasions when I think he saw her.

ricketytickety Wed 27-Jan-16 13:26:33

You were doing well for yourself and this affair has had a negative impact on your self esteem. He could have a number of reasons for stepping away, none of which will have anything to do with you (his family, guilt, someone else on the cards...). But deep down you know it will only harm your esteem that you worked hard on if you cheat emotoinally or physically.

CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 13:29:26

Pippi & Rickety
You are both wise and have understood my situation well.

CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 13:31:46

As for my DH I just don't know how long to give it.
I was kind of feeling like crunch point would be when I'm actually bringing home the cash. Hopefully later on this year. If I'm still feeling it's not getting any better and I can support myself, then that will be said crunch point. I'm not there yet.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 27-Jan-16 13:43:35

I'd say, that the attention of this other man, has given you the ability to see that :

a) you are an attractive woman
b) you can have feelings for another man, so you don't need to stay with your DH.

I think this is a catalyst to you leaving your DH, and starting over, with someone who will treat you better.

Your DH had an EA for years. I think you know, that you deserve more than this.

You may not ever be with the OM, but I am positive that there will be a lovey guy out there for you, should you pluck up he courage to leave.

The thing is, you'll never find him when your ship is tethered up to the DH.

Set yourself free. I did. It was very exciting. I found someone so much nicer.

CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 13:50:55

Bless you Blonde. You just made me cry.
Thing is the OM is lovely and has absolutely made me feel attractive, intelligent and 'valid'. We have mainly conversed on a professional level. I'm sure you are correct - there's no future in it. He has a wife and two children.

What do I do about him? He's a key work contact, so it will be very difficult to cut him off entirely.
Shall I just follow his lead and keep it all above board, no texts, messages or phone calls?

pippistrelle Wed 27-Jan-16 14:07:10

You behave professionally. Treat him as you would any other work contact. It sounds to me like he is now trying to behave in a more honourable way: let him, and do the same yourself.

It is not him that made you attractive, intelligent and valid. He might have helped you to realise that that's what you are but just because the full beam of his attention is no longer turned on you, it doesn't mean that those qualities no longer exist. You can be those things for yourself and your children - and who knows, maybe even your husband.

CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 14:11:44

Yes Pippi Thank you.
All makes a lot of sense.

Hopefully if I can continue to stop wanting to text or message (I haven't for a couple of days), then things will gradually get easier. I'm not due to see him in person for a couple of months. Hopefully it will have blown over by then.

tornandhurt Wed 27-Jan-16 14:20:28

I'm sorry I in no way intend to be horrible here, but you have demonstrated really that you are no different from your H haven't you?

Indeed perhaps you are now feeling as he did when OW decided to move on?

I get that following the discovery of H's affair that would have been so difficult for you, but what did you hope to achieve by doing the same?

To be honest I think you either need to make the decision to leave your H and move on after or attempt to repair your marriage.

Whilst all the changes you've made to yourself so far has made you feel more confident and alive (which is great by the way) - entering into an EA isn't going to do you any favours long term.

CreamTeaTotty Wed 27-Jan-16 18:08:23

I partially agree torn.
I think subconsciously I may have wanted to get even. Which is pathetic.
The difference here is H was years and actual love & sex.
I've just had a few pleasant phone calls.

MsMims Wed 27-Jan-16 18:19:52

You really need to redo the numbers and make the split from your H. Even if financially you were worse off, I would argue that the emotional benefits would be worth it. Neither of you are happy in the relationship, money isn't a good enough reason to continue. Have you looked into your eligibility for tax credits?

WRT the other man, it sounds like it was also heading the way of an emotional affair so it really shouldn't continue. Cast your net towards other available men, the more time spent thinking wistfully about this man and tied to your H is time wasted when you could be meeting someone new.

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