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Can you ever get the spark back?

(35 Posts)
Elfishpresley Wed 27-Jan-16 09:21:46

All in all we are pretty happy but we are more like house mates. We have a lovely DS and another on the way. DP is a fantastic dad, I cannot fault him for that but our relationship is stale.

I have spent the last 2 years trying to keep the spark alive but all my efforts go unnoticed and unappreciated which I found very hurtful so I have given up.

I have told him how I feel but nothing ever changes, he just makes me feel guilty for the kids and how hard he works for us.

All I am asking for is just a fraction of the affection and romance that we had at the beginning. I want a loving relationship and don't want this for the rest of my life.

Im finding myself resenting him. He spends every spare minute he has playing this stupid game on his phone or with his uncles and cousins in the pub drinking and taking drugs. He wants us to move to be closer to them but I know he will end up in the pub with them every night and I'm not putting up with that. The males in his family are old school and believe women should be at home with the kids while they do as they please, they have little respect for their partners and cheat on them regularly. My DP is a good man but when he spends so much time with the males in his family, their attitude rubs off on him. He always used to say how he did not want to end up like that and couldn't see why his mum put up with his dad for doing the same.

I'm not a door mat, I'm not staying home all day and all night with the kids on my own while he swans off until 3am every time he goes out. I would like to point out that I have no problem with him going out but he always pushes things by going out more and more and staying out later and later.

I also found that he was following a dating thing on his phone/Instagram which he swears he didn't realise what it was and just thought it was a bit like page 3 on Instagram. He also started following some young girls that he claims are his friends cousins which I don't believe. I trusted him completely until this, I know it's nothing major but the seed of doubt has been planted and its niggling at me.

I laid in bed last night thinking about everything and I'm pretty upset that our relationship has come to this, do you think it can be saved?

I'm sorry if this is a bit bitty and bobby, my head is all over the place.

munkynutts Wed 27-Jan-16 09:32:52

What is the dating thing called?

And how young are the young girls?

Anyway, what cones across here is he has very little respect for you. Have you ever sat down and had it out with him about all this?

Elfishpresley Wed 27-Jan-16 09:40:10

It was some random models with a dating/escort thing in their bio.

The girls were about 20, DP is 37.

I have sat down and had it out with him until I'm blue in the face but it goes in one ear and out the other. He switches off when I talk it seems as he's forever saying "why didn't you mention this" or "why I didn't you tell me that" to which I always reply "I did, numerous times"

I think you may be right about the lack of respect. There has been a few things that have happened in the past that back that up but when confronted he has either made out that it's me or took responsiblity for and been sincere with an apology.

Talcumsoul Wed 27-Jan-16 09:41:27

He needs the facts of life explained to him.
A father and husband/ partner should act like a man not a puerile teenager.Your description of him made me think of Kevin and Perry.
The question arises, how will he man up? Will he man up? If he doesn't, how will you deal with it?

Elfishpresley Wed 27-Jan-16 09:42:20

I think he knows something is up as he has just offered to take me out for tea at the weekend which he never does but I know he wants to go out with his uncle drinking on Sunday so probably thinks it might keep me sweet.

Fairylea Wed 27-Jan-16 09:42:48

He takes drugs ? Sorry I froze at that bit. Definitely not a good man.

JenEric Wed 27-Jan-16 09:42:52

The things that stick out to me are:

Taking drugs
Dating apps
Young girls

None of these are good and all can spell huge amounts of trouble. Do you even know what drugs he takes? How often? How much of your money goes on drink and drugs?

Sounds like he has no time for you anymore. If he isn't willing to change you need to ask yourself some serious questions about if you want to stay.

Elfishpresley Wed 27-Jan-16 09:44:24

talcum I will leave if things don't change. It will be hard as the house and car ar in his name and I have no savings so will probably have to apply for council housing. He has said he won't let his kids live with me in a council house if we split up though.

JenEric Wed 27-Jan-16 09:45:45

If he drinks and does drugs he won't have a choice. You can take the kids. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

Fairylea Wed 27-Jan-16 09:46:28

Trust me if you split up you would have more than enough reason never to let him have unsupervised contact with the kids if he's heavily drinking and taking drugs and staying out all night etc etc. He would have no say whatsoever where you and the kids live. None.

(I moved 130 miles away from my ex when dd was 6 months old for similar reasons, she's now 13).

munkynutts Wed 27-Jan-16 09:46:37

So he's a bully, too, and also this means things must have gotten bad enough foe you to have discussed the issue of separating?

I think you should probably seriously considering leaving I'm afraid :S

Elfishpresley Wed 27-Jan-16 10:44:08

I know I should but I love him so much it makes it hard.

I've felt this way for so long so I can't see it changing.

I will speak to him tonight in regards to going our separate ways or giving things one last shot.

It's so hard to have this type of conversation with him as he doesn't see anything wrong with our relationship.

munkynutts Wed 27-Jan-16 11:26:26

Of course he doesn't. Because you've made sacrifices while his life is no different to how it would if he was single.

ImperialBlether Wed 27-Jan-16 11:30:52

But why do you love him so much? What do you love about this man who takes drugs, drinks too much, goes out with anyone rather than you, ogles young women and is registered to a dating site?

Do you mean you fancy him? That's a completely different thing!

(Hard to know what you'd fancy about him either, tbh.)

And never mind "he's good to his kids." He's not good to his kids if he's treating their mother badly.

pocketsaviour Wed 27-Jan-16 11:31:01

Do you love him specifically? Or do you love the man you wish he was?

Only1scoop Wed 27-Jan-16 11:37:59

Shocked he's 37 I'd guessed he was younger.

Don't settle for this life it's not making you happy now it certainly won't in another 10 years. He see's nothing wrong. He's quite happy with his lot.

Don't look for little 'good man' scraps and attempt to convince yourself you are happy too.

Elfishpresley Wed 27-Jan-16 12:05:48

Thank you for all your words. This is what I need to hear right now. I always talk myself round to putting up with it when it comes to him.

Can I ask, do you all still have passion and affection in your relationship? Whenever I bring it up I'm told that that's just what happens in relationship, it fizzles out and I'm made to feel like I'm asking too much.

Toystory4 Wed 27-Jan-16 12:17:55

Why did you decide to have another child with someone like this? He sounds awful

Elfishpresley Wed 27-Jan-16 12:22:59

This baby wasn't planned. Contraception failed and I did consider abortion but I couldn't do it.

charleneralston26 Wed 27-Jan-16 12:35:53

I was kinda in the same thing... I'm 34 weeks pregnant and since I fell pregnant I felt my partner wasn't interested in me in a sexual way at all. I tried for months to keep the spark going from date nights and just in general being more affectionate.
it flew over his head completely and then about 2 months ago he started texting a girl from his work and walked out on me and the kids!
he yes to sit on the ipad in bed playing games watching videos etc etc
it's a really horrible situation!
I am still trying to come to terms with him leaving 3 weeks ago!
it's hard but to me it seems my ex is more interested in the excitement of a new relationship over a family unit!

Elfishpresley Wed 27-Jan-16 12:50:11

I'm so sorry that you are going through this Charlene flowers do you have any support in RL? Is this your first child?

I don't think my DP would have an affair or leave for another woman but I do believe that he may or may have a one night stand behind my back if he thinks he can get away with it.

Jan45 Wed 27-Jan-16 16:36:27

A good man - that takes drugs, drinks til 3am spending money and chases young girls online.

Wise up OP, the man has zero respect for you, you may love him to bits but it's not reciprocate is it, invest that love you have with someone who will actually appreciate it and give you something back.

Jan45 Wed 27-Jan-16 16:37:36

And yes, passion galore and we're in our fourteenth year, you are not going to get that with him - he's the wrong man.

Branleuse Wed 27-Jan-16 16:41:39

its not about getting the spark back. Its him acting like a cunt.

Or are you asking how to make yourself more attractive to him so he hangs around? You say you love him so much you dont want to leave, s it sounds like the spark is ok for you

Fairylea Wed 27-Jan-16 16:48:20

I would not and could not possibly get any kind of spark back with a man like that and neither would I want to. It's worrying that your self esteem is so low you can't see how awful he's been.

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