Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

A letter to my partner.

(19 Posts)
JustForgetTheWorld Wed 27-Jan-16 03:07:02

I don't expect anyone to reply, I just wanted to get this out somewhere. I have namechanged as the person this relates to knows my usual NN. I just wanted to write my stuff down somewhere so I can sleep better before getting on with tomorrow.

A letter to my partner:
Today is our middle child's birthday. Yes, we have a middle child. You may not remember, for to you he was merely a miscarriage, something to forget about and move on from. You never birthed him. I did. He is three years old today. Old enough to start nursery. I'd bet my life that he's gorgeous, a little heartbreaker. You were so disengaged from the whole situation, that it took you over a month to know I had named him. Our baby boy. I still don't understand how you thought it was okay to ask me to wash your clothes, or allow me to continue making dinner that night. That soup was definitely more tears than stock. You didn't even know I'd cried.

A week later I had a breakdown, I truly started to grieve for that little life that would never be. Do you remember? I spent a whole day crying uncontrollably, screaming into a pillow. For this was not the first experience of miscarriage we had while trying to conceive, but it was the latest stage we had ever made it to. I was terrified, absolutely terrified of being told I would never carry a child again. You did nothing to console me. I needed you.

I relapsed into depression. I never ate, never showered, never left my bed for two weeks. You looked after the oldest (at that point only) child. When I arose two weeks later, the house was a mess. Our child had existed on tinned food and toast, I knew this because those tins were everywhere, along with the dishes they has been served on.

I cried. Somehow you never noticed that either. Then I cleaned. I barely wanted to stand upright, but I cleaned. It took me six and a half hours while you were at work. The house was sparkling. When you came home you said: "oh you're up, it's 4 o'clock, are you not getting dressed today?"

No. No I'm not.

I make you sound like a terrible man, you're not, and I know you'd be mortified to think you've hurt me like this, which is why I could never tell you. I'm not even sure you'd understand what exactly it was you'd done wrong, without me spelling it out.

Today is also four years to the day since your affair began. No I know, you never went off to sleep with another woman. You did however come to the conclusion that you may not be as heterosexual as you once thought. Instead of discussing this rationally with me, you took it upon yourself to start an emotional, and somewhat graphically sexual relationship with a man online.

I know you maintain that this was not cheating, because you had never "done anything". I think you genuinely believe that. But you are so wrong. You still don't know that I knew for three months before I told you. That I did all I could to make your life easy and prepare myself for you "coming out". When I finally asked you 3 months later you told me it had only been a week. One week. I'm a lot of things but stupid is rarely one of them.

You have no clue what that did to me. I do not even believe there are any words in the English language to explain that feeling. I soldiered on, trying to support you, even at your insistence that you were nothing less than 100% heterosexual.

I have never loved you the same way since. There was a point where I thought we might be okay. Between the affair and the miscarriage. But I was so horribly wrong.

You have no idea that these two things alone, in a string of six years are the reason our relationship no longer exists. You think I got "over" them years ago. I never. I won't. I am under no illusion that we will ever be fixed.

If it weren't for our oldest child, and his disabilities, I would not still be here. I haven't told you I love you in over a year, because I don't. I haven't said so truthfully in 3 years.

I do not pretend to love you, but you have evolved in to a wonderful father, and despite your lack of understanding, you are mostly a good friend.

We will never be what we once were, never ever again. But I no longer wish for it either. I, at least for now, have no desire to be in another relationship, and that is a helpful factor in my decision to stay. But I'm not staying for you, I never would, I'm staying for our children. I'm staying for me, because I choose to, not because I have to.

Today I'll smile, I'll cook your dinner and I'll have our children excitedly bring out your birthday cake. I won't be bitter about the past, because it's too late to change it. And you'll forever remain blissfully unaware that what is one of the happiest days for you, is one of the most difficult for me, at least for now.

cocochanel21 Wed 27-Jan-16 03:21:29

Why do you stay with him wouldn't you be happier to separate? That letter made me want to cry.

Glastokitty Wed 27-Jan-16 03:29:40

This is no way to live the only life you get! You will end up eaten up by bitterness, and you are doing your children no favours by staying in this dead relationship. Please, make your plans and get out of this excuse for a marriage, you will all be happier for it, including your children.

Your letter brought me to the brink of tears. I don't know how advisable it would be, but part of me thinks that you should actually give him the letter?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 27-Jan-16 07:08:44

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Answer that question to your own self honestly then consider again why you are currently choosing to stay.

Staying for your eldest child is really no good reason at all to stay within this and maintaining this façade is not sustainable particularly in the long term. You also cannot use these children as glue anyway to bind you and he together.

Do you want to teach your children that yes a loveless marriage or relationship for them will be their norm as well?. That is what you are both showing them now. What do you think they are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. They likely know far more than you care to realise and they are perceptive; they know that something is not at all right between mum and dad.

Someone who cheats on their children's mother is patently also not a wonderful father either so do not kid yourself that he is indeed so. He's certainly a husband or partner that ought to be given his marching orders so that you can both now freely establish new lives apart.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 27-Jan-16 07:19:46

That's a terribly sad letter but I can't support your decision to stay. You only get one life and you're wasting yours.

BassAce Wed 27-Jan-16 08:25:42

I'm sorry... who's birthday is it? Your middle child's or your husbands?

helhathnofury Wed 27-Jan-16 08:31:28

I am so sorry for your loss, of both your son and husband. I think he should read the letter and be aware of what you feel. I won't judge on your decision to stay, but I do think it fair that he knows the score.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 27-Jan-16 08:43:35

That is one of the most poignant letters I've read.

flowers I'm so sorry you lost your much wanted middle child and hope that in the not too distant future you will see that staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of your other dc is far from being a tribute to him, or to them.

Fwiw, I agree with those others who've said that you should give the letter to its intended recipient and I hope you will do as soon as possible.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 27-Jan-16 09:31:39

What BassAce said

So you miscarried on your Husbands birthday?

I really hope this isn't made up.

dasso Wed 27-Jan-16 09:40:54

Your letter made me cry its so sad, I can understand why you feel the need to stay, however you really need to look long and hard at those reasons because your feelings are never going to change. I know this only to well sadly.

OliviaBenson Wed 27-Jan-16 09:55:27

I was your child and I grew up in a very unhappy household which has affected me my whole life.

Please do not stay for the sake of your children, leave and be happy. Your children will not benefit from you staying.

GlitteryFluff Wed 27-Jan-16 10:04:14

I'm sorry for your loss. thanks

david8341 Wed 27-Jan-16 11:02:40

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I can relate but maybe a little on the other side too.

Before having children we had two miscarriages. I certainly didn't expect my wife to cook or clean anything on those nights...she was in hospital both times for quite a few's not really something that happens and then you just quietly go on with the rest of your day.

And well I did everything that I could for her but mostly I thought she needed me to be a "rock" so that's what I tried to be. Tried not to show how bad I was feeling, tried to make everything "normal". I thought I had to keep moving and drag her along with me.

No one ever asked how I was, not even once. Everyone would ask "how's DW doing?" I'd be screaming inside.. I've lost someone too. but I was there seeming all strong so why would anyone be concerned about me? I've been distant, I've drank too much. I've not had an affair or discovered that I'm gay but I've definitely not dealt with it in healthy or constructive ways.

I pushed it all down but the grief is still there as strong as ever. It all happened a long time ago but now anything sad with babies triggers something in me..I've broke down crying watching daft TV shows. My wife she's at peace with it, we have beautiful children now. Me I look at them and know we should have two more.

He might genuinely not be bothered but talk to him about it and you might be surprised. If you're going to stay with him then being open about this and him being open with you about it could be the first step in making the rest of your life a lot happier.

JustForgetTheWorld Wed 27-Jan-16 12:25:58

I don't really know whether to reply, I wasn't expecting any response, I only posted here because I wanted to get my thoughts out, not because I wanted to talk about them.

I'm so very sorry I've saddened some of you.

I don't want to have to justify my decision to stay. He genuinely is, at the heart of it, a wonderful parent. He hasn't always been, but he has grown into it.

While we are both fully aware and have discussed that the relationship is over, we decided to continue to live together to parent our children in partnership. This letter explains only my reasons for my side of the relationship dying, and I haven't detailed his reasons, of which I'm sure there are many.

It's hard to get across in writing alone that he is actually a really good person, he does struggle with emotions and dealing with problems appropriately, and that resulted in the above, which wasn't good for me or our relationship.

I'm not unhappy, admittedly not the happiest I could be, but similarly not as unhappy as I was. I gained happiness in breaking away from the relationship, but neither of us would cope alone with the children, and that would cause more harm than good.

The house is a happy place for the children.

To those asking, though I'm not sure of its relevance, it's my partners birthday today. Also, that of our middle child.

David, I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles and it is (nice is probably the wrong word) to hear from the other side. I fully understand that he may well have too been hurting, and as I said he did carry on trying to keep life normal for our oldest, when I just could not. That of course could explain the mess of the house and lack of proper cooking etc at the time. He just appeared to "get over it" so quickly, and express the opinion that I should have too.

I am not deeply unhappy, it's just that this day over others is particularly difficult for me,and the fact that it's his birthday means we carry on through it rather than me finding a quiet place to think.

That was the whole reason I got this out in the early hours. I had hoped that it would just kind of disappear down the board. And I would feel a little lighter for posting.

summerwinterton Wed 27-Jan-16 12:30:30

You should never stay with someone for the sake of the children. He sounds very far away from a wonderful parent.

I wonder why your own self esteem is so low that you put up with this, or martyr yourself for the children. Because parents who stay together for those children will probably end up causing more damage than they would if they parted.

Mrskeats Wed 27-Jan-16 12:35:08

That's an incredibly sad letter and I also think you should give it to him so he can begin to understand how you have felt.
I also don't feel that someone who can make a mother so unhappy is a wonderful parent

timelytess Wed 27-Jan-16 12:36:31

Dear OP,
flowers for your sorrow and for your ongoing suffering.
I don't know for sure but I think one day you will find that you will be ready to live without your partner. Don't be too shocked when that happens.

Jan45 Wed 27-Jan-16 16:32:55

Sorry for what you have gone through and what you are suffering.

No idea either why you stay with a man who is clearly devoid of being a decent partner, he lets you down when you need him the most, never mind the rest.

Staying for children is never a good idea, you don't have to be a martyr, you only get one life but I guess it's your choice.

You sound so strong I don't understand what you get from him.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: