Do you split finances evenly?

[WalkingBlind]

Just curious. I'm a SAHM to 2 kids, I get disability and DP works full time (but shift work) in a very good job. He earns far more than twice what I get a month.

For the sake of fairness we pretty much split everything bill wise 50/50. He works for his money and I have no problem with that at all. I do struggle a little though coz I have debts to pay off as well from the last house and am in overdraft almost permanently.

He's a good guy and would never let us go without food/gas if I was broke. But I do pay him back as soon as I get paid (leaving me just as broke straight away). He also pays for his car and petrol which I don't contribute to but still get driven in when he's around. Would you do the same with such a big income gap? Or would you expect DP to pay for a little more?

I think it's pretty fair at the moment but wondered how others tend to figure it out. It's not his fault I'm not working but I do look after the kids and do the housework.

I often panic if he wants something nice for the house because he can afford his half with ease and I'd have to save up for mine or go in further debt. Usually I say if we don't need it and he wants it then it's up to him (like the huge TV I wasn't fussed about) but I won't go halves, is that wrong in your opinion? I still use it at the end of the day but wouldn't care if it was never there.

[ShanghaiDiva]

As a SAHM to two children you also work for your money - work does not only take place outside the home. It makes absolutely no sense to me that you have debts (which presumably incur interest) that he could pay off and as a family unit you would be better off and yet you are struggling to manage on a monthly basis.
Dh and I base all our finances on the family as a unit - who earns what is irrelevant - it belongs to both of us.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

Split evenly in the sense that we each have money coming in, we each pay some bills, and then all money left over at the end of the month is added up and split straight down the middle, and the right amount is transferred in the right direction to leave us with half each. And we don't have kids, I'm not a SAHM. I don't do more housework to 'make up' the difference in income or any of that bollocks.

Your situation sounds very unfair on you. You say it's not his fault you're not working - is it yours?! Why is there no sharing of the burden going on? If my DP was like this I wouldn't describe him as a good guy, sorry. Are they not his children? Sorry if I missed that.

[LeaLeander]

Are you married, OP? i.e. Is your interest in the house, any old age savings etc protected?

Splitting bills on a pro rata basis would be more fair. If you make 1/3 the total household income you pay a 1/3 share.

[LadyB49]

Officially I buy groceries, pay window cleaner, and run my car, and dh pays the bills and runs his car. We are mortgage free. But I also buy wee bits and pieces for the house, takeaway on a Saturday night. Bigger items he buys.
Dh says it's 'our' money.

OP your situation doesn't sound very fair to me, is disability your only income. What are you expected to cover. How can your dh expect you to go 50/50.

[80sMum]

DH has always earned more than I do (currently, 4 times as much). Our finances are managed along "traditional" lines, in that everything I earn is ours and everything he earns is ours. It's all our money. I manage all our finances and DH trusts me to make good decisions.
It has never entered my head ever to split bills between my contribution and his, as everything is pooled and belongs to us both equally.

[minspark]

I'm in a very similar position - sahm and on disability. DH can afford to pay all the bills and discretionary spending from his salary and he does so (and also pays a regular amount into my account). He'd be horrified if I had to go without or be in debt while he had surplus money, it just wouldn't occur to him. Even if he couldn't afford to cover all the bills and essential spending, he would still want to do it proportionally so that I had a decent amount of money left each month - he'd never want to see me struggling. We always talk in terms of 'our' money.

My disability income is DLA and DH recognises that is to pay for care needs related to disability, not living costs, so doesn't expect me to pay for anything for the household from that. If you have to do without things for your disability because of contributing to household costs, I think that is wrong. I do get ESA as well, which is what I'd have to spend on living costs if I was single, but it tends to go to personal bills/spending rather than household stuff.

[alltouchedout]

We've always just shared everything. Ever since we moved in together, really. All income is ours equally, all outgoings come out of the one pot. We've had times when we've had equal income, times when I've brought in more, times when he's brought in more. It has never mattered. I could not handle a relationship with separate finances or anything other than the family pot, tbh! That's not to say it's wrong- it's just not for me.

[NorthernBird92]

I'm a sahm to mine and dh baby. He is the only one who brings anything into the house money wise. It goes into our joint bank the bills come out then we spend whatever on what we want it's always our money

[Canyouforgiveher]

My view is if you are a family then all of the people in the family should be living at the same standard. So you shouldn't be giving up your lunch to pay for the family holiday while he pays with ease and eats out or saves money or whatever. You should be living the same.

We share everything. Early on, I earned way more. Made no difference to what we did. Now he earns way way more than me but makes no difference to how we access money/live.

I do far more than him on a day to day basis with the kids/house/dog/friends but I don't limit his access to family/friends/dog because of this. Why would money be treated differently? We are a family - I couldn't imagine having one member of the family skint and the others flush - that would be bizarre.

[WalkingBlind]

Thanks everyone you're really helping put things in perspective. Oldest child is not his but get no CSA from her father to assist, youngest is DP's.

I think part of me wondered how many couples combined everything into one family pot. He puts a big chunk of his salary into a savings account although I'm not sure what he's saving for? Old age maybe. He has a good pension though.

House is rented and we go 50/50 I have no savings at all. In the past I've always ended up with scroungers who don't work so in light of that I've been pretty happy that he's paid his way. But there's this niggling feeling that if I was the main earner I would be much more willing to part with my money.

He also has a habit of buying expensive gifts for birthday/Xmas etc for me and I not only feel guilty I can't do the same back (although mine are sentimental and he does appreciate them greatly) but I get frustrated that I could have used the money from the £400 piece of jewellery to pay of a huge chunk of rent arrears etc :/ His priorities seem off to me

[PurpleDaisies]

We just have one pot of money. At times I've earned more than dh, now he earns more than me. It's all our money and we trust each other to be sensible. It works for us.

[WalkingBlind]

I think because he has always had a well paid job and lived with his mother before me he has no idea of how hard debt is. He often complains about how much the bills cost because he paid for nothing at his mothers, he has no idea really that being able to have savings AND left over to spend willy nilly at the end of the month is very lucky. God forbid if all his wage is gone by the end of the month or he couldn't save at least a £1000 to his savings he acts as stressed as someone who's going bankrupt!

I think the switch from "earning loads of money, saving a large chunk and the rest being totally disposable except for the car insurance" to "financial responsibility for a house with its bills and 2 kids" has really sucker punched him.

I've always lived below the bread line even as a child we were struggling a lot and had to skip meals, etc. So I have a better understanding of it all.

[WalkingBlind]

Forgot to say DP will pay for my toddler who isn't his 50/50 also, he doesn't treat the kids any different

[icklekid]

Does he know about your debt? Is it something you speak about? I wonder if it doesn't occur to him how big an impact 50% is on your income? Seems silly for him to pay into savings if you have rent arrears for example.

[WalkingBlind]

I do tell him I have debt and if I'm into my overdraft how far I am but I think you're totally right he doesn't understand what 50% leaves me with. If he had 50% gone then he's still left with a large chunk of money monthly, I'm losing 50% of basically negative amounts.

Don't think he has the sense to realise what classes as a lot of money to me

[Blu]

Basically he is getting free childcare! Earns his money, pays his share of household costs but in sharing none of his income with you, gets free childcare,

Not fair at all!

Do you get the child benefit?

[WipsGlitter]

We have separate money. DP pays for groceries, mortgage and bills. I cover all the kids stuff (activities and clothes), top up shops and treats. Holidays and big purchases we split.

We both earn good money and I don't feel short changed.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is terribly unequal and hands him an awful lot of power (at your overall expense) within the relationship as well. Its a situation where financial abuse is possible.

Total transparency as well as a total rethink on the finances is needed. Why has it come about that you split everything 50/50 when he earns twice as much money as your own self?. That is not fairness at all.

This savings account that you mention; is that in solely his name?.

Do you have a joint bank account?.

[tribpot]

What you're describing is definitely not fair, OP. It sounds like this financial arrangement was as much your decision as his? It isn't accurate to say 'he works for his money' - by providing his childcare, you are also working for his money. He expects to have no change in lifestyle from becoming a father but it sounds as if you would be better off financially if you weren't with him?

It just isn't prudent for you to be running permanently in debt. If he left you, you'd be entitled to nothing except child support for one child. I think he needs to have these realities spelt out to him - he doesn't sound like a bad person, perhaps rather sheltered and blinkered from living with his parents for so long.

[Muskateersmummy]

We are old school. Joint account. All money is ours. We do both work but even if I didn't it would be the same. All money is ours. We are a team a family unit and we would both be contributing in some way or another to the family unit.

I think you need to have another chat with him. A 50/50 split isn't fair if the earnings aren't equal

[WalkingBlind]

I think this has opened up a whole new world to me really. We have separate bank accounts and the savings are purely in his name. Part of me assumes he is saving for the deposit on a house in the future? But that house would be solely in his name and I would be left homeless if we split so feel a little reluctant to commit to that just yet. (No plans of splitting at all I'm just over cautious after ending up homeless a few years back).

I agree totally I don't think he's a bad person I think he's just completely brainwashed by how easy he's had things.

I do get the child benefit yeah but I put it towards my half of the food shop/gas card and anything needed for DC's.

We kind of just mutually fell into the current set up and never really discussed it. Only when we had to buy big items such as the sofa or kitchen appliances did we really talk about costs. And then I felt very cheeky asking for more than half and he looked astounded at how much life actually costs.

I'd like to discuss with him that maybe he doesn't realise our financial situation as a family isn't very fair. But wonder how I'd broach the subject?

[kittybiscuits]

You could say:

I'd like to discuss with you that maybe you don't realise our financial situation as a family isn't very fair.

If course he does realise that already.

[PennyHasNoSurname]

I think you need to sit down and compile a list of outgoings. All bills plus food, a kitty for the kids stuff, petrol and transport etc.

Then write each wage down.

Next explain to him that if you worked, your wage would be roughly X and childcare would be roughly Y. Add the childcare into the bills total.

Explain to him that you not earning X saves him Y. So you should essentially get the Y bit knocked off your contribution.

Add in repaying debts into your bills outgoings too.

[chocolatecheesecake]

We put everything into one pot and pay all costs out of that. If he's unwilling to do that, maybe you should start charging him for 50% of your "salary" as SAHM. £12/hr for cleaning, home admin, and childcare that you provide and which enables him to go out and work.

He would see that as ridiculous I'm sure, but hopefully it would prompt a conversation about the non-monetary contribution you make and how that has value too? You are a partnership, and that only works if you both appreciate what is invested into that both financially, and non-financially.