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How to get your husband to see sense - coercion tips wanted!

(23 Posts)
ohforgoodnessake Tue 26-Jan-16 14:06:17

I would appreciate some MN advice, please - I will try not to drip feed. My husband and I have 2 DC's - DS is in Y8, DD is Y7. They both attend the same secondary school (OFSTED outstanding) which involved a fair amount of upheaval to get them into as it wasn't our catchment school. DS is getting on OK at school, usual big class sizes, and we do have to keep an eye on his work to ensure he makes good progress. He has a good moral compass for his age and is making some lovely friendships. DD is in second term and still finding her way - she is a quirky, bright girl always reading. There is some minor bullying happening to DD and we are dealing with this.

I wanted her to go to one of the fee paying schools in the area and she was fortunate enough to be awarded a very generous scholarship/bursary package for Y7 entry which no one in their right mind would have turned down - we did. Husband said we couldn't afford it, I felt we could with sacrifices made (as a great many parents of children at fee payers do) but we are where we are now.

We have one last chance at a Y9 scholarship/bursary application for DD next year but things are so strained between H and I that he refuses even to discuss her being put forward for it. I consider education to be of paramount importance, he obviously doesn't. It is making me hugely resentful and I don't know how to get him to see sense.

Advice please, TIA.

MidnightVelvetthe4th Tue 26-Jan-16 14:12:11

Have you looked at the finances & think that you can afford it? Maybe do some graphs/tables to demonstrate that its possible & where cutbacks can be made?

Its not really a question of him seeing sense, its about both of you having equal weight in the relationship & an ability to listen & be listened to. If he's blocking you from the off then there's something that needs to be addressed. Are you sure its only the finances? If his view differs from yours about education then its still valid, maybe he has some good reasons for his opposition. But you won't know unless you talk about it smile

(Also have you considered the effect on your DS about his sister going private & him staying at the perceived lesser school)

ElBurroSinNombre Tue 26-Jan-16 14:25:58

Your husband may want you to 'see sense' as you put it.

Your kids already attend an 'outstanding' state school for free. In addition, as they are in the state sector, they will be gaining a far better social education by mixing with children from differing social backgrounds. And as stated above, educating one child privately may have an adverse effect on the other child. Perhaps he also does not share your opinion that private 'must' be better somehow.

Cabrinha Tue 26-Jan-16 14:28:28

What are your husband's objections, and is he usually dismissive of you or are they genuinely held beliefs?

He may be right.

What would the sacrifices be?

It doesn't matter how generous the bursary - if you only have to find a tenner a week and you've got a fiver, it won't work.

If a sacrifice is less holidays or days out - then bear in mind the sacrifice is also borne by her son - is that fair?

If you have some spare money to put towards this, might it not be better spent on tutors for your son if he's the less academically able?

You already have an Outstanding school. Will the private optikn actually deliver enough comparative value for money?

ItchyArmpits Tue 26-Jan-16 14:42:22

So many different issues here...

Are things 'strained' with DH over this one issue, or is there more going on?

things to consider:-
i) the apparent favouritism of sending one kid to private school and one not. Ouch. That kind of thing can cause lifelong rifts between siblings.

ii) the actual costs involved - I know of a private school where some bursaries awarded are 95% of the fees (very rare, but does happen). However, by the time they have bought the uniform - expensive, bought the PE kit - several hundred quids' worth, bought the books, and paid for the lunches, it's still a lot of money. And that's without your DD getting music lessons or going on any school trips.

Quality of teaching is not necessarily any better at private schools than at state. You are paying for smaller class sizes, the upkeep of old buildings, the social connections. If they are at an Outstanding school then it is likely that they already have excellent teachers.

Also, there are many kinds of education beyond the choice of school. Trips abroad, hobbies, films, visits out, etc., teach your kids things that schools just can't.

Also, there's no guarantee that your DD would not be bullied in a private school. Sorry. You say you are 'dealing' with the minor bullying - what is happening? Is there support being put in place at her school to help her?

maybebabybee Tue 26-Jan-16 14:48:12

I can't really help with this OP but I know DP and I are going to have a similar situation in a few years. I am massively against private schools but DP would prefer to send DC to private schools if we can afford it (we probably could, with sacrifices). So we are going to fall out about it. But for me it's not about the money, it's the principle.

I feel very strongly about it and I'd be deeply, deeply unhappy if he tried to 'coerce' me into sending our DC to a private school. Luckily he doesn't feel as strongly as I do, so I don't anticipate being in a total tug of war, but I'm sure it will cause some sort of friction.

Shakey15000 Tue 26-Jan-16 14:49:29

Aside from the issue of how your DS may feel...

I find a good way of getting my DH to agree to my POV with the added bonus of him thinking it's his idea, is to wheedle a way of getting someone he "admires" to mention it/ agree in public. I mean this lightheartedly btw, certainly not in a controlling way 😊

For example, DH looks up to BIL in a small extent. If I mention something in front of BIL in a general context (in your case, private education) and BIL extols the virtues, then DH will more readily concede.

Cabrinha Tue 26-Jan-16 15:03:56

And do you lose a little bit more respect for him each time Shakey?

ohforgoodnessake Tue 26-Jan-16 15:13:32

Really grateful for your informed and differing POV - much appreciated.

Midnightvelvetthe4th perceptive reponse, thanks. Yes, we should talk, but I am rubbish at discussing something I feel so passionately about and get annoyingly teary. It quickly descends into a confrontational heated exchange in which I forget all my rational arguments. Maybe I should think along more 'Power point presentational' kind of lines?

Children attending different schools is something we have carefully considered and it's ramifications. Ideally in my mind (and H if we had the money) both would go private but DS is settled and flourishing and wouldn't want to move (we have asked him).

We both agree that the private would suit our DD better than where she is now, it is only money that is the arguing factor. Better in that she would find more like minded souls, she knows many friends who already attend, the teachers have more time to help fulfill her potential, it's more of a spiritual home for her. I have read on other posts in Education how characters of schools differ (irrespective of state/private) and now see how true this is.

We only found out re bullying last night - so a bit early days but H will not tolerate this so we will work with the school.

Shakey15000 Tue 26-Jan-16 16:16:37

Not at all Cabrinha

tigermoll Tue 26-Jan-16 16:57:55

You say your son wouldn't want to go to private school. That may be the case now but it may not always be the case. FWIW, I was sent to private school and my sibling was not. The whole family 'made sacrifices ' because of my school fees, and I felt very guilty all through my childhood. It was my fault we had to have lodgers -- something we all hated, and we could have had nice holidays and cars that didn't break down. I also missed out on a lot of school trips -- even at 12 I didn't feel like I 'deserved' the extra hundred quid to go on the London trip for example, so I never asked and pretended to my mum I didn't want to. I never got bullied for being the poor kid, but the other kids were extraordinarily sheltered, and I ended up making most of my friends outside the school. My sibling grew up feeling (justifiably) second rate and extremely chippy. Our a level results were basically the same, and now he has a well paid job and a house. I have neither of those things, so it's not like my education set me up for life or anything.

I'm rambling now - I guess I'm saying private school isn't all that and a bag of chips smile

PuellaEstCornelia Tue 26-Jan-16 17:09:45

You do know the biggest contributing factor to how successful children are is the support from home, not the school?

RedMapleLeaf Tue 26-Jan-16 17:29:57

I consider education to be of paramount importance, he obviously doesn't.

How on earth do you reach that conclusion? It's quite offensive!

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime Tue 26-Jan-16 17:35:13

I consider education to be of paramount importance, he obviously doesn't.

What a condescending and ridiculous statement.

Your DH views are just as important as yours.

enderwoman Tue 26-Jan-16 17:59:07

Have you worked out the numbers and shown him what sacrifices would have to be made? If the sacrifices are relatively minor then I think that you'd be more likely to be successful.

Offred Tue 26-Jan-16 20:37:57


Seriouslyffs Tue 26-Jan-16 20:48:45

*I consider education to be of paramount importance, he obviously doesn't.*hmm
Who earns what in your household?
If he's bringing in the lion's share and you've worked out that you can afford it based on him continuing to earn what he does now YABU

crazyhead Tue 26-Jan-16 20:51:32

I just don't think you should have this discussion from the PoV of you being the one who cares more than your husband. Even if you are both pro private school this is a complex decision because you can't give both your kids the same chances. What if you sent your dd privately and next year your ds wants the same treatment? Surely you'd need to be able to provide that?

Topseyt Tue 26-Jan-16 21:15:59

In the name of treating siblings as equally as possible, I highly doubt that I would ever do this even if money did permit.

Your kids are already at a school rated as Outstanding. Therefore perhaps your DH questions why sacrifices are really necessary, especially as they would presumably be felt by the whole family. If that is his thinking then I have to say I tend to agree with him.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Wed 27-Jan-16 03:16:04

Your husband is already seeing sense.

magoria Wed 27-Jan-16 08:01:34

If you will be making sacrifices just for the fees I think you need to forget it.

On top of this is uniform, trips, meals and many other extra costs. If you cannot afford for her to be included in the activities you are setting her apart from the others.

Also they will have formed friends/groups since Y7 and you DD may not find new friends. Trust me I moved DS at Y9 and he is pretty isolated and lonely.

If you make massive family sacrifices for her, your DS may have to miss out on things you would do as a family for his sisters education. Pretty unfair.

Also what will you do if you suddenly cannot continue the fees?

magoria Wed 27-Jan-16 08:03:18

Also don't forget a longer school day and longer holidays to juggle around.

OneEpisode Wed 27-Jan-16 08:29:42

I am thinking of keeping my very very bright dc1 in an outstanding comp and my more typical dc2 to our nearest secondary school which is an independent. Dc1 can't go there, wrong gender.
However both dc2's parents are discussing pros and cons.
I hope your family can decide what is best for you all.
By the way my dc1 is quirky, which in this case means a very bright child with autistic spectrum. The comp is brilliant. An independent may or may not. It's possible that an independent school can select out dcs that are not cost effective to teach. A comp has to teach all its dcs and any exclusion is supposed to be in a transparent process.

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