this hit home - bloke's blog

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

This is exactly what is wrong in my marriage.

Hadn't realised there was a nail, let alone that it needed hitting on it's head.

I am going to try to articulate to my husband why I need him to stack the glass in the dishwasher. Again. Sigh.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

[TheNaze73]

Was so true. Great article, especially the psychic bit. Women friends of mine have asked me in the past about getting through to men about things and how to keep them, when they keep getting binned off & being direct is always the best way.

[IrianofWay]

Good stuff

"It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of."

Yep.

[DaggerEyes]

I told my husband that he had to say out loud "fuck you Dagger, you do this" every time he left a cup, laundry, etc for me to do. Seemed to get him to think about it....which is the first step to not fucking doing it any more!!

[Titsalinabumsquash]

Wow! Great blog post.

I don't think a weekend goes by with DP saying "if you want me to do a job, ask me!" And me going "I'm not your mother, I don't want to have to set you tasks to do, I want you to just do them because they need doing!"

I have said that when I have spent a day cleaning the house and the kids come in and DP comes in and makes the place a tip, it feeling like a big "fuck you!" to me and my "work" I likened it to someone coming into DP's office and bashing the keyboard after he's spent a day working on complicated code. He doesn't really get it though. I will show him that blog post.

[Kelsoooo]

Yep, nail and head moment for me too.

Shared it on FB in the vain hope dh reads it. So can understand why I threw a hissy fit this morning about the 10 cups, 2 bowls and 2 spoons that needed washing :S

(I know I shouldn't have thrown a hissy fit, but I've had 6 hours sleep in 48 and had just come in from a night shift. And I have OCD so a messy kitchen means I have to clean before I can go to bed, otherwise I still won't sleep. Why the fuck can't he understand this!? And why the fuck can't they reuse the cups they've been drinking out of? It's your cup, your tea...why do you need a new cup each time goddamnit?)

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

I told my husband that he had to say out loud "fuck you Dagger, you do this" every time he left a cup, laundry, etc for me to do. Seemed to get him to think about it....which is the first step to not fucking doing it any more!!

i prefer "i left this here for Dagger to clear up"
but love the idea, making them realise what they are doing, wonder if it would help the kids?

[StayWithMe]

That was a brilliant idea Dagger.

Thankfully my DH was always aware of the importance of the small stuff. One if my boys on the other hand. I'm going to try something similar on him.

[Claraoswald36]

The bit about saying I got this being the sexiest thing ever - nail on head. Also the can I pick anything up on the way home part. My partner does this every day. The post made me appreciate him more

I'm not divorced because exh left stuff by the sink. He didn't. But he could not fucking take charge of getting things done to help me. Or the kids. Or the family in general. But he was very fond of the oh I bring home so much cash you can't moan I'm incapable of blah blah. Argh!!!!

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Kelsoooo I sympathise; I struggle leaving the house because I need to check every window and door a few times, but it's ok if I know DH is doing it. I asked him once to hang back and do the check and he said 'I don't see why I should pander to your anxieties' although he did volunteer to do the check recently so maybe he felt bad about that incident.

Haven't read the blog but will now.

[HelpfulChap]

Interesting. I will always wash and dry up, empty the bins and generally keep the kitchen clean and tidy without being asked.
However although I will always do anything asked of me without fuss, I freely admit I should be more proactive, ie, offer to do the vacuuming rather than wait to be asked.

I will try and take note.

[heavens2betsy]

I emailed this to DP but I fear he won't understand it or he will get bored halfway down and return to playing Candy Crush or whatever other shite he amuses himself with to avoid doing anything vaguely helpful which might make my life easier

[Eminado]

"
But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household."


^
THIS!!!

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Weird. I'm a man. I have a dishwasher. I always put things away immediately. I vacuum, I dust, I put the bins out, I do the washing, I do the ironing, I do the cooking. I do all this without being asked.

[ravenmum]

Is there a punchline, DrSeth?

Had a look at some of his other posts; all seems pretty sensible stuff, though he doesn't really seem to get the point that housework and looking after the kids are not a woman's job - says in one post something like "and if your wife works she has to do all that stuff on top of her job"... Same comes across a bit in this one.

[Werksallhourz]

^But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.

She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.^

Yes. Just yes. I cannot count the times I have said this to DH. He still doesn't get it. He'll say things like ... "But I don't know what needs to be done" or "I don't know how to get organised." And I just think, well, I didn't once. But I realised I needed to figure it out, and researched ways of doing it. I read books and blogs, found forums, got ideas from friends and my mother. I learnt how to run a home. It's not innate just because I am female.

The thing is that what my DH, and many of my friends DHs, don't seem to see is that one glass is not just "one glass". Over five years, a glass left out every day is 1825 glasses.

And when it isn't just glasses by the sink, but socks left by the basket (3650 sock pairs picked up off the floor), toilet roll not replaced (160 toilet rolls replaced at one roll a week), moving shoes to the rack (1825 pairs of shoes shifted at one pair a day) ... it starts to mount up. It starts to eat time. It starts to take over your life.

And one day, you wake up and realise that the entire day ahead of you will be just drudge. And the next day will be drudge. And the day after that will be drudge. And that is the point where you have a screaming argument with your DH, but when he asks you WHY ... all you can say is "you don't your put glasses in the dishwasher." And he thinks you are either unstable or you have PMT.

But it is the accumulative effect of all those tiny things every day, along with the rest of the domestic work.

I admit I still struggle with this with DH. Things are a lot better, but sometimes, I can't quite shake off the feeling that I am an supporting character in the film of his life, and I don't have a film of my own.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Raven Have to say I agree with you. While I think there was a valid point in that piece, I thought the tone in many places did seem a bit patronising and a bit "when I come home from my important work I need to remember that my wife has done all the housework and I need to respect that". Actually, you need to get off your arse and do some of that housework YOURSELF in the first place.

Example. He says:

"Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean."

I think should read:

"Caring about her = cleaning the bloody floor myself sometimes."

And some of it should work both ways anyway. Blogger Bloke says:

Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”

When I was living with my ex, I would often bring home some flowers or something I knew she liked, nothing major, just something to show a bit of thought. She worked as well and was not a stay at home mother and everything was pretty much divided in terms of who did what. Due to our work, she often took time off when I couldn't but I would often call and ask if there was anything I could pick up on the way home. She never did. Similarly, I was the one who remembered anniversaries. She never did.

As for the "punchline" Raven - it's that I have been single for five years and no one wants me, although clearly based on this blog and the responses from women, I "get it" and ought to be the perfect partner who pulls more than his own weight. I think men who have lived single on their own for years before living with someone tend to be better and "getting it" because they are used to doing all the stuff, not having it done for them, and also having a bit more self-respect.

[Werksallhourz]

Helpfulchap I freely admit I should be more proactive, ie, offer to do the vacuuming rather than wait to be asked.

Just do the vacuuming! Just do it! Don't offer.

If you offer, you are making your partner take the decision for you to vac for you. You are making her think about vacuuming. The whole point of you doing the vacuuming is a) she doesn't need to do it and b) she doesn't have to think about it.

I know this is something my DH doesn't understand, but really ... offering to do something instead of just doing it puts the ball back in the woman's court. It makes her responsible for the vacuuming because she is still responsible for the decision to do it and when to do it.

Part of the "wifework" problem is not just actually doing the wifework, but having to think about the wifework. The planning, the organisation ... it takes a enormous amount of mental capacity. I estimate about 30 percent of my RAM is used up thinking about wifework every working day. At the weekends, it can get up to 80 percent.

That is huge amounts of my mental capacity taken up with drudge work. There's not a lot left for anything else.

[ravenmum]

That was the line that made my eyes glaze over a bit DrSeth .

My ex started out doing things but it dried up after children. But I was quite happy to leave him to deal with the "men's" things like the car and DIY as if they were his natural job, so couldn't really complain. Actually enjoying getting the DIY done myself now!

You do sound like the perfect partner ... must be your hair colour, see other thread .

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

My ex-husband was like this. He used to come home and start making things untidy, and when I used to ask him not too, he would apologise and then the same thing would happen again very soon after.
I asked him repeatedly to let me know at some point in the afternoon if he was going to be home late, he would always say that yes he would do that, and then never did.
And when opening a beer in the evening, would leave the bottle opener and the cap on the work surface rather than putting them in the places they should go (I.e the bin and the drawer, would have taken ten seconds max).
All these things (and there were more, spoiling days out by being a moody bastard for example) signalled to me that he didn't respect me, care about me or love me.
Towards the end of the marriage, he literally made my skin crawl.

[ShutUpLegs]

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Raven, dark blond here, not ginger! Obviously it must be my hideous looks

That's another thing with regard to my saying about it working both ways. He says he needs to remember to make sure his wife feels he is her priority. But she needs to do that too, sometimes. Clearly if she is a mother, the kids get put first, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't sometimes ensure HE doesn't feel that he is NEVER her priority.

It's about self respect, respect for each other and SHARED effort across the board.

And am amazed no one pulled him up for use of the word "babe"

[BaryMerry]

This is a really interesting blog post. DH has one cup of coffee in the morning, and every morning that dirty cup is left on the kitchen counter, regardless of whether or not the dishwasher is full or empty. He also has a complete inability to dispose of rubbish. If I challenge him on this it's "But I didn't know if it was for the bin or recycling!" TBF you could throw it into the garden now for all I care - I just want you to GET RID OF IT AND NOT LEAVE IT UP TO ME.

And I usually suck it up and just tidy the dishes, throw out the countless little milk bottle lids...but every now and then there's that creeping sadness and the feeling of disrespect. And I know he doesn't mean that- it's like the blog says - to men it's literally JUST a glass or a cup or whatever... Problem is I'm extremely conflict averse so I avoid challenging him. However I worry that the more I suck it up and avoid the glass/cup argument, the more likely it is I will one day explode. I mean, in general he does help around the house with laundry, making tea, hoovering - but there's something about that abandoned cup which just does make me want to throw it across the kitchen.

I like Dagger's approach or PassiveAggressive's - "I'll leave this here for BaryMerry to clean up". At the very least I might try it out on the DDs, in the hope that DH might actually think about it too...

[sije]

I think it's very hard to change a man's mindset towards helping, even HelpfulChap's nn is irritating (sorry). How is it helping to clean your own home or look after your own kids, who are you helping exactly?

[Jibberjabberjooo]

This is brilliant and I'm going to get dh to read it.

I don't know if sharing it on fb is a bit pa?

[KatharinaRosalie]

Werks I wanted to write that exact thing when i saw the 'offer' comment.

'Do you want me to cook something for dinner' followed by 'so what shall I cook?' is not the same as being responsible for feeding the family.

Yes, we need to eat dinner, I do not need to confirm it. No, it won't magically appear, either you cook it or I do. Checking what we have in the fridge and cupboards and then deciding what to make from it is already half the job. Just cook the dinner.