Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17

Relationships

22 wks pregnant - to stay with controlling OH in London or leave and raise baby alone in Scotland with family?

416 replies

msatlantis · 25/01/2016 18:03

This is my first post (and a very long one), but I would really welcome some impartial views and advice, thank you in advance.

I have been with my OH for one year. We got introduced by mutual friends (one of my best friends "E", who is also married to one of his friends).

At the time we met, I had just gone through a divorce (no children) and had decided to leave my (good) job in London to return 'home' to my family in Scotland. I bought a flat in Scotland and spent my savings on renovating it.

So, I left for Scotland, but we ended up being in touch constantly, visited each other most weekends and after 3 months working and living in Scotland I decided to make the move back down south to be with him. We were crazy about each other.
At the time, I wanted us to 'date' for another few months before re-locating (again) but he didn't see the point in waiting and was quite distressed when I suggested this. He has a high-pressure, high-profile job which requires him to be in London. I returned to London on 1 July.

I was lucky enough to for my employer to offer me my previous job back. But I had no savings and depended on my OH for accommodation.

Then, it was as though the honey-moon period ended. I never seemed to be able to do anything right. This ranged from being accused of not giving his feelings due consideration to deliberately postponing the process of applying for my decree absolute from my former husband (the delay was due to the court process). I didn't "get" his job, didn't give him adequate "support" and didn't compliment him enough! He is tea-total, and if we were out for a meal at the weekend, he would get annoyed if I had more than one small glass of wine and feel the need to start a discussion about the 'dangers' of alcohol.

During the summer, my friend "E" sent me an email in which she said that she had met up with "J" (another man who she had introduced me to at the beginning of the year) and that he "said hello". My OH saw this email and took absolute offence to it, claiming that "E" was still trying to initiate a relationship between me and "J" despite us being a serious relationship. I spoke to "E", and this was not her intention, she was simply passing on a friendly message, but my OH was, and is still, fuming. He then accused "E" of being racist toward one of his friends, and of being manipulative toward both me and her husband. I have known "E" for 15 years and she is one of the sweetest girls I can think of and a true family friend. My OH then said he wanted me to stop email contact with "E", to limit text messages, and not to see her in the evenings. I felt quite vulnerable as I had moved back to London with no money and didn't have anywhere to go even if I wanted. I agreed, though continued to see "E" for lunches.

In August my OH and I were in Edinburgh for the weekend. We ended up having a big row where he accused me of "keeping things from him". He was paranoid about who I had been dating round-about the time he and I got together, and whether I was still in contact with any of these men (I wasn't). He said he had had enough and spat in my face. I was shaking and shocked, but chose not to do anything about it (now, I wish I had probably walked away at this point). The next day we had another row (think shouting/swearing), at which point I telephoned my Mum and sister to come round to the flat as I was shaking like a leaf. We ended up deciding to try and work things out and returned to London together.

Things did not improve much in late August, early September. His hatred toward "E" had become worse, I felt as though I could do no right, and one night he threw all of my clothes out of the wardrobe and all of my jewelery on the floor and told me to go (this was at 11pm at night). I told him I would leave the next morning. The next morning, he said he wanted to try and work things out. Again, for some reason, I agreed.

However mid-September I had had enough. I stayed with a work colleague one night after work and sent my OH an email saying I wasn't sure if things were going to work out and I needed some time out to figure out what was best for us. I returned to our flat the next day to find absolutely no trace of my belongings whatsoever. I couldn't get a hold of him, and it was only when I left a voicemail threatening to call the police, that his mother called me and told me all of my belongings had been packed up and were in her garage.

My Mum flew down the next day, and came with me to pick up some of my things (what we could carry as we didn't have a car). I stayed with my work colleague for a few nights and in my mind the relationship was over. My OH then started texting me saying he wanted us to talk, sent me flowers at work, and said that he still loved me. We met up and ended up talking, he convinced me to give the relationship another go. I then went to Scotland on my own for a few days, during which I didn't quite feel like myself. I discovered I was pregnant. I decided to delay telling him until I had figured out what I wanted to do.

When I returned to London, things were unusually calm between us and after about a fortnight, I told him I thought I was pregnant. He was really positive about the pregnancy and for a few weeks after that he was really sweet and attentive.

We went up to Scotland for my birthday in October. I went up two days earlier than him. On my birthday evening, I found messages on his phone which suggested he had taken another woman to dinner while I had been on my own in Scotland. He said it was a "group dinner", but I am still not sure I believe him.

And over the past month or so, his behavior has been unpredictable and moody. At Christmas, he only agreed to us going up to Scotland to see my family for 3 days (we had a fortnight off) so that he could "rest properly". I miss my family SO much (we are very close) and I am told then when the baby arrives our trips to Scotland might only be once a year as we must put the baby first and it is unfair to travel with a little one. We never do anything fun because he's always tired. We discuss things only when he wants to discuss them. He couldn't make the baby's 20 week scan "due to work" at the beginning of January which I was really upset about. I then got accused of "guilt-tripping" him. A fortnight ago a huge shouting match (only he was shouting) ensued about money/looking at new houses. My OH acted like a petulant child toward me and his mother. I was left crying and shaking.

Last weekend, he completely took me by surprise by proposing. I didn't say "yes" immediately, which caused major offence - as I wanted to talk about it and I was still feeling shaken from the shouting match the previous weekend. He is adamant we get married before the baby's arrival in May even though I wanted to wait until the end of the year when I would feel more comfortable. Anyway, both my OH and his Mum put pressure on me to agree to a wedding in April.

On Friday, we ended up having a conversation about "E" - he said she is not permitted to be in our house at any time or see the baby once it is born, and that I am not allowed to send any photos of the baby to her. I said he was being disproportionate and I was told that he did "a lot" for me, that I should "be grateful" but that he had to "put his foot down" in respect of this. Given that "E" has recently moved to Manchester I am left feeling as though I am never going to be able to see her again. Is OH's controlling behavior only going to get worse?

Since our conversation about "E" he has been sullen.

I confided in my Mum this weekend and she is concerned. She said if it all felt too much I should just make arrangements to come back to Scotland and have the baby there. That my family would support me. I feel coerced by him... every time I think about leaving I seem to get drawn back into the fold. I don't know what to do now. There is no one in my family who is a single parent, and I am terrified. If we get married and I stay will I be able to take my baby to Scotland if things get worse? I know that if a friend of mine told me the above had happened to her, I would tell her she should have got rid of her OH a long time ago, but being in love and being vulnerable skews everything.

I don't know what to do. I thought about just not pandering to him over the next week or so (I usually try and keep the peace) and seeing if everything just unravels.

OP posts:

Report

5madthings · 25/01/2016 18:10

Go, go now. Do not marry this man, go to Scotland and stay with your family. Go now before you have the baby.