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My father has posted a song about his relationship with me on the internet.

(59 Posts)
TheCunkOfPhilomena Mon 25-Jan-16 14:19:38

I was going to name change for this but sod it, I have nothing to hide.

I have posted before about my turbulent relationship with my bio-father. He left when I was 3, my brother was a baby, and he ran off with his OW leaving my DM and us homeless. He stopped paying any maintenance when I was 4 and because he was abroad my DM couldn't do anything about it.

He had us for holidays but never played the part of being a dad, he was more a Disney dad but a complete snob at the same time (my DB and I had to look and behave in a certain way when with him). His partner really doesn't like children and didn't want anything to do with us.

I was really affected by him leaving when I was a child. I used to write myself letters pretending they were from him except they were more loving and supportive. I was only 6 or 7 when I was doing this.

As I grew up contact lessened (he moved from France to the US) but I tried so hard to keep our relationship going.

I never ever felt good enough for him. Unfortunately, I have had quite severe MH problems and have had long periods of being unemployed which I know embarrasses him. When I got pregnant at the age of 33 he was not pleased at all (I was, I was in a relationship and living with my DS' dad) and he and his wife let me know how upset they were; he said he was worried about what sort of life my baby would have.

When DS was born I had a sudden realisation of just how weird my relationship with him was. I could never ever imagine treating DS the way he treated my DB and me and I wrote to him and explained this but not in a nasty way, more of a wanting to understand way. I couldn't bear not having him in my life, I know it's ridiculous but I feel I need him in my life. It was then that he cut me off. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted nothing more to do with me. I tried to rebuild the bridge but it didn't work.

At the weekend I discovered that he has written and recorded a song about his relationship with me and my brother. He has posted it on the internet. I cannot believe he has done this after not having contact with me for so long. I have written him emails but he hardly replies and when he does it is to say that he does not want to know me. The song he has written has hurt me so much, I don't know what to do. One of the lyrics (it is a rubbish song btw) is 'I don't miss you, I'm glad you're an ocean away'.

Part of me wants to get on a plane to see him and scream in his face, the rest of me is humiliated. This song makes it seem that he is the wronged party and it is so untrue.

My DB is so strong about all this, he just laughed at the song and said it was to be expected; I wish I could be like that, it's just hurt me so much.

PoppetyPoppet Mon 25-Jan-16 14:32:49

I'm so sorry you are going through this op. As an outsider, it sounds to me like your father is a narcarssist (sp?). I've read other threads on here about having relationships with narcs and what has helped them is to read up on what a narc is and how they behave to help them understand that it is the narcs way and nothing that they deserve.

Sorry, I wish I had better advice for you. I have an odd relationship with my father. He is EA with my mum but I only really started to understand that as an adult and it's changed the way I relate to him.

eloquent Mon 25-Jan-16 14:33:26

Stop trying to gain this mans approval.

You will feel better for it.

Just because he is your father, doesn't mean you have to put up with this.
Blood may be thicker than water, but I know which I'd rather drink.
He has told you he wants no contact. Stop torturing yourself. He doesn't deserve your love.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Mon 25-Jan-16 14:34:33

I could never ever imagine treating DS the way he treated my DB and me

And that is why you are a billion times better than him.

What a shitty shitty individual he is sad let him play the victim if he wants, you know the truth of it and that's all that matters. flowers

Quoteunquote Mon 25-Jan-16 14:37:15

You have to grieve for the parent he never was and you never had.

Then when you have given yourself all the time you need (and that really is the time you need how ever long), you can then decided if you want to start a relationship with the person he really is.

Has he acknowledged that he made mistakes, sometimes just the person taking ownership of their failings, can help the situation move on.

Is there a neutral third party who could help communication between yourselves, so you do feel heard and acknowledged.

PoppetyPoppet Mon 25-Jan-16 14:37:15

Perhaps you could also post on the stately homes thread? I think the posters there would be very understanding and have good advice for you as they are going through similar issues.

Grumpyoldblonde Mon 25-Jan-16 14:38:59

Oh boy, what a sad inadequate man he is, congratulations to you for building yourself a life and family.
I can be immature, I would have to comment on the song and tell the world I am the daughter, how he left you homeless etc, I would never to be able to resist.
He will end up alone and lonely, you will have your brother and child.
I wish you well (And I bet the song is utter crap)

PeppermintPasty Mon 25-Jan-16 14:41:02

Oh my god I am so sorry. Your father is the ultimate in selfishness and is clearly totally self absorbed.

Do you post on the Stately Homes thread, I would recommend a look in there.

Have you had counselling, or even just talked to a good friend about it? I too had a similar epiphany about my narc mother when my ds was born, talk about the rose tinted glasses smashing on the floor! But one way or another, I have gradually come to terms with it, I have let go of the mother I always wished for, and instead I have tried to become the mother (I hope) that my lovely DC deserve and need.

I am shocked on your behalf at the vileness of what your 'father' has done to you over the years. He sounds slightly unhinged to be honest.

It should be all about you though, not him. Are you happy in your life? Aside from this I mean? Have you got support?

TheCunkOfPhilomena Mon 25-Jan-16 14:41:06

Thank you, Quote you've hit the nail on the head with the grieving thing. I feel like I am grieving and it's so difficult because he is publicly letting people know about how this is so hard for him.

I have had a look at the Stately Homes threads and shall look up the narc parent info.

Thank you again, I feel stuck.

Got to go and collect DS from school but shall be back later flowers

TheCunkOfPhilomena Mon 25-Jan-16 19:39:34

Wow, the narc parent stuff really does fit. It explains quite a lot so thanks to those suggesting it.

My closest friend has said I should look at counselling for this as I just can't seem to let him go. I have to try really hard not to email him but still do it every few months.

I'm okay in RL, I wouldn't say I'm happy, I haven't really thought about it. I find certain things difficult but I am really lucky in that I have a great partner, son, mother, and friends.

NoelHeadbands Mon 25-Jan-16 19:42:42

Console yourself that you will never be as tragic as he is.

Song on the internet indeed ffs

ImperialBlether Mon 25-Jan-16 19:47:00

Oh I'd be writing a comment on that straightaway and calling on my brother and friends to do the same.

HoneyDragon Mon 25-Jan-16 19:50:15

He is a narcissist arsehole. He doesn't want strong indecent children he wants mirrors, if he can't feed off you or use you than you have no value.

As a child he makes you feel this and it hurts, as an adult you have the right to to see him as the weak shallow failure he is.

You on the other hand are awesome (really, I mean that). With him or without him; awesome.

Your awesomeness is yours alone and not for douchebag Disney dads.

SaraChaud7 Mon 25-Jan-16 19:54:52

are you sure its about you, it could be about your mother. Its terrible if i am wrong. I think people run away from themselves sometimes and can't face their family due to shame. No consolation but psychologically worth understanding so that you are putting yourself through more than whats going on. He might be too damaged himself. Just checking. sorry to dig your wounds if i am wrong

MrsVamos Mon 25-Jan-16 19:59:23

Completely agree with Honeydragon.

No point being angry, TheCunk. Nasty, narc cunts like him never understand anyone else's point of view.

Don't upset yourself over him. Not worth it.

flowers

SaraChaud7 Mon 25-Jan-16 20:00:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCunkOfPhilomena Mon 25-Jan-16 20:01:02

Honey Shurrup, people will start to talk!

Sara, yes, I'm sure it's about me and my DB. Another lyric is about 'vestigial DNA' and underneath the video it says that 'Sometimes DNA is not enough'.

I know he's a wanker, he's weird and I've always felt uncomfortable being around him, I just need to learn how to let him go.

Owllady Mon 25-Jan-16 20:03:29

You are not alone. Mine is the same..he doesn't like what i have become! He is def narc too.

See if you can get some counselling. I had some pyschotherapy and it really helped me let go of the guilt and stop blaming myself

You deserved better x

Throwingshade Mon 25-Jan-16 20:05:32

Agree with everyone.

You drew the short straw and got a selfish twat of a 'father'.

He's just a man and an inadequate one at that. You have a fabulous son and are an awesome mother - hurrah!

Btw why has he posted a song, is he a singer or a wannabe singer, how did you find it????

Link to it and we'll all posts saying it's crap wink

HoneyDragon Mon 25-Jan-16 20:07:25

Don't care, I luffs you out and proud grin

<and MrsV too while we're all here>

MrsVamos Mon 25-Jan-16 20:07:57

TheCunk

(((hug)))

Its very hard to let go, I know that. It takes time, but you just have to say to yourself that this person contributes nothing of value or enrichment to you and your families/childrens lives, and say to yourself that he is not worth upsetting yourself for.

Slowly, time passes and you realise that what he does or how he lives his life matters nothing to you, because you don't care, don't want him in your life, and only causes pain if you take any notice.

It does get easier, and better. And one day you will be able to hear something about him, and treat it with complete indifference, because it makes no difference to you, or your life and happiness.

I'm waffling, sorry. blush

TheCunkOfPhilomena Mon 25-Jan-16 20:09:00

Linking to it would definitely out me, it is an utterly rubbish song though!

He has retired and started writing and making music with his wife mid-life crisis. He has lots of songs on YouTube and knows I see them as I am a subscriber.

MrsVamos Mon 25-Jan-16 20:09:04

Honey

LOVE YOU MORE !

xxxxx

MrsVamos Mon 25-Jan-16 20:10:48

TheCunk

I'm shock !

You should know you never feed a troll. wink

Don't link !

YakTriangle Mon 25-Jan-16 20:13:32

Unsubscribe.
Don't give him the attention he is clearly seeking. He sounds vain, childish and cruel. You absolutely do not need him in your life, it sounds like he brings only negativity.
thanksbrew

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