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Last night ex DH's partner texted me to ask if ex DH had ever been abusive to me..

(42 Posts)
lincolnshirelassy Mon 25-Jan-16 11:04:36

....just that, really.

He had, physically and emotionally, we've been divorced for ten years and I'm re-married. I told her the truth as it seemed like the right thing to do and she was grateful for that. Sounds like there was a huge bust up and she is staying with friends.

The issue that is worrying me though, is we have two girls together, I know he has anger issues and if their relationship is on the rocks my experience with him suggests he will be quite unstable right now. The girls are due to spend this weekend with him. So...do I let him have his contact weekend as usual and hope all will be ok, should I be honest with him and say he has to see the girls under my supervision for now, or do I suddenly invent an excuse as to why they can't come this weekend in order to buy me some time whilst I assess the situation??

pocketsaviour Mon 25-Jan-16 11:06:50

When you say he will be unstable, can you be more specific about how that might impact on your DDs?

If he is likely to be verbally abusive to them or in front of them (or god forbid physically) then I would personally want to keep them away.

There's a lot of lurgy going around this time of year, don't you think?...

ineedabodytransplant Mon 25-Jan-16 11:08:38

Personally I would choose any option that kept my children safe first and foremost. Nothing and nobody would matter more.

Fourormore Mon 25-Jan-16 11:08:53

Are the children at risk? If so, how?
You'd be on dodgy ground insisting that contact was under your supervision based on what you've posted.

NNalreadyinuse Mon 25-Jan-16 11:10:13

If there is any chance he will be abusive towards or in front of your dc, then keep him away from them. Can you phone his partner and find out what has happened as this may impact on your children's welfare. A row between them is one thing, but if he has been violent that is something else.

forumdonkey Mon 25-Jan-16 11:10:33

How old are your Dc's

whatdoIget Mon 25-Jan-16 11:13:03

I would make an excuse and assess the situation. It's great that you're in contact with his wife so hopefully she can tell you how he is

How old are the girls? At least in their early teens? Surely that's old enough for them to choose not to go? Would you be able to apprise them that their father might be in a bad place at the moment (in a neutral way, without specifics), and perhaps they might want to opt out this weekend?

lincolnshirelassy Mon 25-Jan-16 11:16:04

He has been very unpleasant to the girls in the past, on at least one occasion he has pushed my elder DD. By unstable I mean he really does fly off the handle, gets very angry, has been known to throw things and has hit and pushed me in the past as well as been verbally abusive. So I am not just going from what has happened with his partner, I know when things go wrong for him he tends to 'lose it'.

DD's are 12 and 15 so not babies. But DD lost her boyfriend to suicide two months ago so I am extra protective, she needs a stable environment right now. Plus her behaviour is quite challenging at the moment due to anger related to her grief, so if she kicks off and he is not in the right frame of mind to deal with it calmly that worries me.

Branleuse Mon 25-Jan-16 11:17:03

what preemptive said ^^

Loads of tummy bugs etc round at the moment.

lincolnshirelassy Mon 25-Jan-16 11:17:41

I have asked his partner to keep me in the loop about his state of mind and explained my worries to her, I am sure she will.

BrienneofQarth Mon 25-Jan-16 11:18:44

Based on your last post, your dd is far too fragile to cope with him if he flies off the handle right now. I would come up with an excuse for them not to visit to be honest.

lincolnshirelassy Mon 25-Jan-16 11:21:59

Yes, I'm thinking they might be ill, just until I can work out what is going on. Older DD has exams at the moment too, so that is adding to her stress, plus last time she was there her and her dad had a big argument and she ended up going to my mum's (I was away for the weekend). So she's not that keen to go anyway.

CocktailQueen Mon 25-Jan-16 11:29:20

Your poor dd.

I would come up with an excuse - illness is probably best. No point inflaming him more.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 25-Jan-16 11:29:31

D&V is always a good option. Keep your girls safe from potential harm (mental or physical). Especially your DD1 doesn't need that added shit in her life just now.

Fourormore Mon 25-Jan-16 11:31:11

Are your children happy to lie to their father, if you go with that option?

lincolnshirelassy Mon 25-Jan-16 11:34:14

Four yes I've been mulling that over. Elder DD would have no problem with it. Younger one would struggle, and I feel bad asking them to lie, but I think it might still be the best option.

Twinklestein Mon 25-Jan-16 11:40:25

It sounds like he has a problem with women full stop, and your girls are becoming women.

Your daughter's anger may also be related to DH's behaviour, if she had to leave his house previously, not solely her bf's suicide.

Twinklestein Mon 25-Jan-16 11:41:24

I wouldn't let him anywhere near them personally, but they're not my kids.

TheTigerIsOut Mon 25-Jan-16 11:42:25

Is there anyone, apart from the partner, that can let you know how "stable" he looks at the moment?

It may be that their relationship has gone to the dogs, but it may be that he is managing well. Given his background, I'm sure you don't want a big fall out over contact if things are relatively ok, as this may have repercussions for future arrangements.

But I understand completely why you feel the need to protect your DDs from his moods at this time.

spudlike1 Mon 25-Jan-16 11:46:33

Protect the children , make something up tummy bug etc .
One weekend off isn't going to harm long term relationships.
follow your instincts .

cestlavielife Mon 25-Jan-16 11:48:18

older dd can decide not to go. if she chooses not to go dont make her.
she has enough stress and if dad is stressing her more, let her stay home.

if youngest wants to go, let her, she is old enough to call/text you if she needs to be picked up.

dont lie.

why dont you be honest and email him saying "i've heard from your p that you've split up. so I think it would be best it the dds stay home this weekend to give you some time to yourself".

how he responds will give you clues as to his state of mind eg if v angry etc .

AnyFucker Mon 25-Jan-16 11:50:09

Why not tell him the truth ? You are keeping the girls away because you are aware something has gone down and you don't trust him around them.

lincolnshirelassy Mon 25-Jan-16 12:02:34

cest and any I had considered this as an option too, but probably need to see if the split is permanent before I decide.

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