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Do I Share?

(8 Posts)
FantaIsFine Sun 24-Jan-16 22:27:34

I think my very close oldest friend's husband is lying to her.

I suspect an affair, as well as financially (there's also EA around the finances, another topic to a degree). I have no concrete proof. Something doesn't seem right. I won't go into detail on the situation as too identifiable, but I've had a number of relationships where I've been lied to myself and my radar is beeping loudly at some stuff.

There are children as well I love to pieces. As do their parents, of course. One alarm bell is something a DC said which also involved a "don't tell Mummy".

I myself am massively codependent and am struggling to work out if I would be interfering to say anything about my suspicions/trying to fix shit, but I am concerned.

Would you say something and/or at what point?

Thanks in advance...I'm totally prepared to hear it would be interfering, BTW, I'm genuinely interested in opinion.

RealityCheque Sun 24-Jan-16 22:33:35

Nobody can answer that question without the key information that you are unwilling to post. Unfortunately this thread is pointless.

Gobbolino6 Sun 24-Jan-16 22:35:52

I think it depends what you have discovered. In general, yes, I'd tell my best friend if I found her OH was cheating on her. We're very close. But I'd have to be pretty darned sure.

FantaIsFine Sun 24-Jan-16 22:37:56

I don't actually think that fair. I have grounds to believe what I do, I just don't feel it's necessary to share them about whether I should share with my friend. But thanks for reading and replying.

FantaIsFine Sun 24-Jan-16 22:41:01

Sorry that was to Reality rather than Gobbolino. I haven't found he's cheating on her and definitely not for a fact, but I'm pretty confident there are a lot of big fibs and not harmless either.

Sorry if I've not provided enough info - I'm a bit paranoid.

Gobbolino6 Sun 24-Jan-16 23:02:45

Urgh, it's tricky. Is she suspicious /unhappy with him in general? If not, saying something may do more harm than good. You know her best.

My best friend splits up with her OH regularly after extreme emotionally abusive behaviour on his part. She is desperate for support at the time and determined not to take him back, but she always does and now she is pregnant. I am honest with her when she tells me what he's done about what I think of his actions, and I have told her that I think she should get out of the relationship. Now she is pregnant I've stopped saying anything as things seem better, but I don't know if they are actually better or she's just embarrassed that she's got herself into this position.

PoundingTheStreets Sun 24-Jan-16 23:25:37

If you're not quite ready for the heavy conversation, there are a number of other tactics you can try, such as raising the issues you have concerns about in a fictional couple and seeing how she reacts.

You say you have co-dependency issues, but I don't think that necessarily means you are mistaken. You have to ask yourself what your motives are for disclosing the truth and balance them against what's best for your friend. If you are convinced telling her the truth is the correct choice, that's fine as long as you're not really doing it to create a co-dependent relationship with her where she relies on you instead of her DH IYSWIM. Unless your co-dependency is very deep-rooted however, I doubt that would be the case or else it would have affected your relationship with your friend long before now.

Also ask yourself how she's like to react. If she is the sort that will deny it unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence, the only thing you may achieve is damaging your friendship. In which case, you need to decide whether to let sleeping dogs' lie or find better proof.

FWIW - and we're all different - no matter how painful, I'd want to know and a much-loved friend is probably one of the gentlest ways to do it.

Talcumsoul Mon 25-Jan-16 12:18:12

Fair bit of vaguenetting there op.
If you don't know, don't tell.
If you suspect, keep it to yourself.

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