Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can I ask my partner to do more? Driving me CRAZY.

(25 Posts)
DogCatMouseCheese Sun 24-Jan-16 18:00:38

Evening all,

Very quick story for you. Basically I find like I'm doing everything round the house and I don't know if I'm flogging a relationship that's ultimately doomed. I've been with my partner for 8 years, not married, no kids. We both work full time, I earn about double they do. In our early 30s.

Various examples:

- They always go through a stressy huff whenever cleaning the house was mentioned. To ease things over I pay for a cleaner.

- They never cook other than perhaps once a month. I buy 90% of the food.

- Whenever money or bills are mentioned they get all stressy and uptight. I've found myself paying extra to avoid confrontation. All of the admin etc. is done by me. This doesn't stop them going out and spending 100s of pounds on personal items.

- Any one off house stuff like taking pets to the vet gets passed off as being too inconvenient or "I don't think I can manage the cat box". etc.

- We never, ever, ever have sex. Once a year perhaps.

- I find myself putting myself out to please them and avoid confrontation. This leads to me stressing myself out I think when I should just say no.

- Various frustrations that when the lease on our old house was expiring I said that I wasn't sure we should be together any more. Without asking they made an offer to rent a new house for more than I could really afford. I kind of ended up being whisked along and now we've been in the new place for 18 months.

Things were really good in the past. They work long hours which I'm sure is very tiring. I think I'm just holding on hoping that things will improve. I'm happy day to day I think, I just have no idea how to change things!

Thoughts please, brutal as you like. Thank you.

pointythings Sun 24-Jan-16 18:03:10

Honestly? What are you getting out of this relationship except the security of long habit? I'd just end it - doesn't have to be vicious on either side, just be honest. You don't have anything in common, you don't share your lives in any meaningful way. It's really over.

Robotgirl Sun 24-Jan-16 18:04:46

And you're still with him for what reasons?

Oysterbabe Sun 24-Jan-16 18:06:08

Are you purposely hiding the genders of the people involved? Because it makes no difference. This is obviously a bad relationship that you need to leave.

gamerchick Sun 24-Jan-16 18:06:29

What makes you think it's a him robot? wink

I'm assuming there are no kids involved as you don't mention them. Honestly are you happy to do this for another 8 years?

HolgerDanske Sun 24-Jan-16 18:08:10

There's a lot of 'they' in there. Is there a reason why you don't want to say what sex your partner is?

My answer would be if your life isn't better for having that person in it then it's time to get yourself into a different situation.

DraenorQueen Sun 24-Jan-16 18:09:52

First thoughts? (apart from why hide the gender)
You'll regret wasting your life bound to a dead relationship. There's so much more to life. Martyring yourself because "relationships take work" or similar is an absolute waste of the short time we have on this planet.
There's someone right for you out there.

AlisonWunderland Sun 24-Jan-16 18:10:25

I don't think you have a partner.
You have a flatmate who is getting a good deal

DogCatMouseCheese Sun 24-Jan-16 18:11:46

Thanks for your input all. I do know you're right.

You're also very observant. It's my female partner, I'm male, I just wanted some neutral advice if that makes any sense at all. Here seemed like a good a place as any for advice. Hope that's not a weird thing to go! Didn't intend to mislead.

Thank you.

RandomMess Sun 24-Jan-16 18:17:00

As has already been said sounds like your flatmate is getting a good deal... time to call it a day I think!!!

Do you get equal leisure time, do they have such a lengthy commute that you do all the chores etc. and still have more leisure time?

That level of sex would be a deal breaker to me tbh...

Gliblet Sun 24-Jan-16 18:17:59

She's having a very very easy life at the expense of your happiness/contentment. Anyone who can find money to please their own choices but not to help their partner carry the expense of their own lifestyle is not interested in an equal partnership.

MizK Sun 24-Jan-16 18:21:00

If you aren't having sex you need to address that or you are doomed.

I can't stand lazy people. You should talk to your DP and let her know how pissed off you are.

I think people get too comfortable in long term relationships and forget that the other person doesn't have to just put up with whatever shit they dish out. You are entitled to be happy so why not lay it on the line so you can either try to improve things or find someone who actively wants to make you happy.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 24-Jan-16 18:35:14

You appear to have partly made a rod for your own back here.

Stating clearly your wants, needs and aspirations, where they could conflict with your partner's is not being confrontational. Most especially if you keep perfectly calm when giving voice to them.

Your partner is taking full advantage of you and understands this quite well. *"Whenever money or bills are mentioned they get all stressy and uptight": a well-known device to get you to shut the fuck up about it and toe the line.

Unless you're both in your 90s with health issues I'd end this "relationship" for the lack of sex alone. You deserve more than a selfish flat-mate who's parasiting off you.

DogCatMouseCheese Sun 24-Jan-16 18:45:05

Thanks everyone. You're all making a lot of sense, especially the "Made a rod for your own back" comment.

Strangely just typing everything out made the situation much clearer.


MoominPie22 Sun 24-Jan-16 18:45:09

Please don´t worry if you´re a man...not EVERY bloke gets a roasting around here wink

Either way...have you sat and had a no-holds-barred chat about this? Cos only if you have and nothing changes would I suggest your relationship is doomed! Why should you have to carry some lazy-arsed partner when you both work full time? You should both be contributing 50/50.

It´s that simple. So unless you like being a mug and used, have a chat, give a period of time that you will tolerate ( trial/probation period ) and if you aren´t happy after that I´d end it. Whether you love them or not is besides the point, if they loved you they´d consider your feelings and tow the fucking line! Good luck smile

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sun 24-Jan-16 18:46:47

Get out whilst you have chance and find somebody who will share everything.

Not pulling their weight in the house when working the same hours and not going 50/50 on bills would have sent any boyfriend packing here. It's the bare minimum I would expect.

HolgerDanske Sun 24-Jan-16 18:48:30

I don't think you should have to pay bills 50/50 if your earning power is hugely different.

But it should be decided in a way that is fair.

HolgerDanske Sun 24-Jan-16 18:49:24

The above us for couples without children and unmarried. Would be different if there is a family involved and upon marriage.

PeppasNanna Sun 24-Jan-16 18:53:18

I've wasted 16 years on a partner similar to yours.

We have 4 dc but I've had enough & asked him to leave.

Dont waste anymore time.

Robotgirl Sun 24-Jan-16 18:54:54

Apologies all-how bloody presumptuous am I?
OP, I hope you're ok. Doesn't sound like you're in a great place.

EternalSunshine820 Sun 24-Jan-16 18:55:11

You say you are in your early 30s. Do you want children? If you do and you don't see that happening in this relationship (if it doesn't work now it's unlikely to then..) I'd say get out now because if you account for a period of being single, sorting yourself out, dating, getting into a new relationship, getting to know each other.. While it's true that men don't have the same fertility time pressure as women and tend to be able to date younger, you don't have all the time in the world.

You might not want any children, but I'm just saying, if you do. And if you don't - well life is still too short to waste it.

littleleftie Sun 24-Jan-16 19:12:44

Obviously we only have one side of the story as always, but from what you have said, she is taking you for a ride. Sorry sad

Jibberjabberjooo Sun 24-Jan-16 19:22:34

I can't work out what on earth you get out of this relationship.

mintoil Sun 24-Jan-16 19:37:43

I agree with Pp you are being taken advantage of.

Get rid of her (she will probably make an awful fuss and promise to change) and find a decent woman who wants to make an equal life with you rather than this user.

Christ knows what would happen if you had children with her!!!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 24-Jan-16 19:47:48

The house/money stuff could probably be fixed with a great deal of honest conversation. But the Avoiding conflict and lack of sex - that's not a 'normal' life. Life is really too short to walk on eggshells.

She sounds like a lazy flat mate... Is that what you want for your primary relationship?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: