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Does this mean I don't want to stay?

(16 Posts)
NCfortheNthTime Sun 24-Jan-16 17:08:49

Finding it very hard to work out what I really want. Been having serious relationship troubles with my OH for a long time. We are in long term couples therapy.

The really really bad days are becoming more infrequent but yesterday was one. OH was very depressed and basically saying that there is no hope for us and we should split up now. This has been a perennial theme but the reason we keep trying again and again is that our 3 DC would be utterly devasted, and neither of us wants to sell up, make new lives etc.

Whenever we have an 'ending it' conversation I don't cry or hurt, I just feel resigned to it. Yesterday I started searching online to see what properties locally we might get for half the value of this house.

Today, she apologised for the blip yesterday and said we can fix this. I was relieved, at not having to face the trauma of telling the DC, and not having to deal with the practicalities. But emotionally I'm not sure. Should I be overjoyed that the blip was just that? I know I want our lifestyle, our happy DC, etc but why can't I work out whether I really want this person? Does it even matter so long as I don't want something else more? Or does it sound to you like we are both just running away from the inevitable?

Maybe it's just that the blips come and go, so I never know what to think.

I don't really think anyone on here can tell me what I really want of course. But perhaps someone might recognise the feeling? Or have some ideas of how to work it out?

pocketsaviour Sun 24-Jan-16 17:32:46

Been having serious relationship troubles with my OH for a long time
...there is no hope for us and we should split up now
This has been a perennial theme

The writing is on the wall - in 10ft high neon letters.

The two of you don't appear to love each other, you're just staying together because you don't want the hard work of dealing with your DC's emotional pain.

If you stay "for the kids" then all you're teaching your kids is that marriage is a joyless, loveless state that has to be endured.

Do you not think your DC would be better off with two happy but separate parents instead of a single household full of depression and arguments?

NCfortheNthTime Sun 24-Jan-16 19:29:13

Yes, I can see how it looks like that. But when it's not bad it's fine; we get along, mostly like doing the same stuff, have good friends and a good social life, and we are good parents together. We enjoy life. Does it matter that we're not great at emotional, or physical, intimacy? And that we disagree over one thing? Surely we are lucky compared to some - it's not like there's any DV, or even EA. And we'd both be lonelier I think. Aren't a lot of marriages like this in all honesty?

RedRainRocks Sun 24-Jan-16 19:30:45

What's the one thing you disagree over?

bb888 Sun 24-Jan-16 19:36:02

Do you not want to have an emotionally or physically intimate relationship with someone? While you stay you are giving up on that chance.

mintoil Sun 24-Jan-16 19:41:14

The "one thing" you disagree on must be pretty fundamental to override all that positive stuff you just listed..........

If you don't have at least emotional intimacy (and preferably physical intimacy) then you don't actually have a relationship do you?

Chorltonswheelies422 Sun 24-Jan-16 19:42:31

I'm saying this with tenderness but I hate that f word! Stop yourself from saying it and say what you truly feel. Saying that word means you don't have to change - and that's exactly what you said! She said sorry and you were relieved because it meant no change.

NCfortheNthTime Sun 24-Jan-16 19:46:27

I think intimacy requires mutual vulnerability, and neither of us are brave enough for that. So bb I'm not sure I'd ever have that with anyone anyway...

Redrain religion, and yes mint it's pretty fundamental

But ignoring it works most of the time grin

NCfortheNthTime Sun 24-Jan-16 19:49:00

chorlton sorry for being dense but I don't get it - stop myself from saying what?

WhereDidTheYearsGo Sun 24-Jan-16 19:53:53

Maybe when she says there is no hope for you, she is hoping you will respond by saying "Don't be silly, of course there is - I'd be sad without you" rather than agreeing??

NCfortheNthTime Sun 24-Jan-16 19:59:39

Yes, that's what I do say. But I suppose I'm not sure that I really mean it.

MorrisZapp Sun 24-Jan-16 20:05:38

The MN rule is that if you're not 'feeling the love' for your partner and you have kids then you should split up, because the kids will be fine and you can both still be great parents without being together.

If however you want to leave your relationship because you have met somebody else, your kids will have to endure the breaking up of their home and may well never recover.

I've never understood the disconnect. I think many or even most ltrs tick by without passion or deep emotional connection. It's fine as long as you are honest with yourself I think.

bb888 Mon 25-Jan-16 03:39:35


The dichotomy between the two positions is possibly a bit exaggerated on MN, but my own view is that if there are children involved it is much better to end a relationship because it isn't working, than the additional hurt and upheaval of leaving in the aftermath of an affair.

If someone is in a situation where they aren't in love with the person they are in the relationship then the risk of having an affair is obviously higher, so for that reason also I feel its better to be proactive about recognising when a relationship is finished.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 25-Jan-16 10:37:13

My exh and I were not happy nut we ribbed along well enough as co parents and housemates, if the huge elephants pootling around the room were ignored.

Our separation was triggered by his inevitable affair.

We still co parent well and get on well. And the children both say how much happier they are now.

Don't assume staying together is for the best.

NCfortheNthTime Fri 08-Apr-16 17:48:08

Doesn't seem much point starting a new thread when nothing much has changed. Last week she said it was all over again - lasted 4 days this time - on holiday with the kids (brilliant timing, not). But then again said she wants to try again. And she's been trying really hard this week, and I'm just not happy anyway. Despite her trying hard I don't believe she truly loves me. I think she loves what she wants me to be, and she loves the idea of happy families forever, and she's scared to leave me. I think I'm scared too, and when I imagine the alternative I see lots of loneliness ahead, but when I look at her I often think what are we doing together still? But I also have a very strong sense of duty about all this - I made a commitment for better or worse, and it's hard to wriggle out of that.

NCfortheNthTime Fri 08-Apr-16 22:00:31

Anyone want to talk to me about this?

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