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How do you go NC with a family member?

(13 Posts)
Twinklestar2 Sun 24-Jan-16 17:00:42

Do you tell the person, reduce contact till it fizzles out, or what?

I want to go NC with my sister, or at least very limited contact. I don't feel I can tell her this as it will upset the family and I'll be the one to blame.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 24-Jan-16 17:13:49

Can you just stop contacting her/ignore contact from her?

Do you want/need to go full nc and not see at family events, or just go very low contact and only see at family events?

kittybiscuits Sun 24-Jan-16 17:14:25

It's probably important to be clear with yourself whether it's NC or low contact. If it's the former, I sent a one line text then blocked her number - slowly enough to receive a couple of abusive messages. But I meant it and it's forever, whatever the circumstances. If it's low contact, probably best to slowly turn down the dial on the relationship. What's the situation?

Twinklestar2 Sun 24-Jan-16 18:16:04

It will have to be low contact then.

There are too many incidents to go into, I just don't want her in my life anymore.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 24-Jan-16 18:24:48

A useful link re going no contact:-

Be aware also that other family members may well dislike your new stance and will therefore embark on their own tactics to draw you back in. These people are known as "flying monkeys" and should be ignored by you.

breezeharbour Sun 24-Jan-16 18:31:24

I gave them a few chances at significant family events. Their worsening behaviour was justification for me and also allowed others to bear witness to it. So I knew I wasn't being unreasonable.

I chose to write a letter outlining my reasons but I really wouldn't recommend it. It gave them a huge opportunity to play the victim, get other family members involved, and I was harassed for months. I still haven't had a full month of not hearing from them ( even though I don't reply). It's been 6 months. It's very stressful and upsetting.

If I was you (and if I could change how I did things) I'd just fade into the background. Start to limit contact, be polite but completely blank and impassive. Then gradually disappear.
Good luck, it is bloody hard but I'd still say it's worth it.

Imbroglio Sun 24-Jan-16 20:24:06

Depends very much on the situation, personalities etc. Some people you can quietly lose contact with without being obvious about it.

In my case I tried low contact but eventually I had to be extremely blunt with the person I'm (almost) no contact with because they would not let it go, especially once they twigged that I didn't want a relationship. For months they were coming up with different pretexts to get me to have meetings. Unfortunately we have shared legal responsibilities so total no contact isn't possible. And after I had spelled it out, other people piled in to get me to give in (or to look bad for turning down lots of ostensibly friendly invitations from people who knew perfectly well what was going on).

Its incredibly wearing and upsetting.

magpie17 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:34:06

I was low contact with my parents but kept giving them chances. Then they did something awful and it was pretty obvious that the relationship was over. I did tell them directly though, I explained that I no longer wanted them in my life and blocked their numbers and emails. There followed a few abusive contacts from them to my husband but then they got the idea and we haven't spoken or seen them in over two years.

My brother was more of a gradual thing, we were never close and he bullied me horribly even when I was an adult. We live far apart and never saw each other much anyway so that relationship just fizzled out.

I think full no contact only works if both parties understand and accept that that is what is happening. If not, somebody will always try to reach out at some point (rightly or wrongly). Low contact is much easier and you can usually phase somebody out gradually that way.

magpie17 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:39:31

Like you breeze I wrote an email about why I was going NC with my parents which I wish I hadn't sent. Not because I didn't mean what was in it but because I feel I gave too much of myself and wish I hadn't. I wish I had just left it at 'I no longer wish to have any contact of any kind with you'!

It gets easier though, I was a basket case for about six months but now it is just the way it is. It was hard when my son was born but I know that even though there were times I wanted 'my mum', it wasn't my actual mum I wanted because she is horrible!

Whocansay Sun 24-Jan-16 20:43:36

I just stopped contact. My sister knows exactly why I cut contact, but I had winged monkeys trying to get me to 'see sense' because 'she's your sister' for months. I was very firm with them that there was no going back. Frankly I don't give a shit what other people think about it. It's been nearly 2 years since I had to see her and my life is so much better without her.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sun 24-Jan-16 20:46:06

I just stopped contact.. I suspect my mum knew. She had come round here in a foul mood and was really rude and stormed off. I never contacted her again.

About three months later my brother told her I was now NC with her and she claimed she had no idea.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Sun 24-Jan-16 21:10:15

In your circumstances, would it be possible to quietly disengage, twinklestar2?

Will your sister notice / care if you sidle away and can't be pinned down?

If she won't, then the easiest is to answer texts a few days later, then a few days later still. Same with emails. If you see her in the same room, simply try to find others to talk to. If she corners you, never give her personal information and treat her as if she was a work colleague you only tolerate; polite, no particular warmth. If she starts being abusive, leave or make sure that you move to a place with witnesses; people often behave better when others are around. Don't contact her.

Never get drawn into an argument. If she tries to start one, treat her as if she was a difficult client/customer.

If mutual family members talk about her, stay silent or with neutral mmhmm noises. If they accuse you of withdrawing from her, say that you aren't, you just aren't particularly close. (this sort of situation is very hard on mothers, but they can't enforce closeness between siblings even though it is saddening).

If she will notice and cause a fuss, then it's harder and there's probably no way to avoid some waves. But as long as you say polite, disengaged and clear then the storm passes ... Eventually. Its harder when kids are involved though.

Twinklestar2 Tue 26-Jan-16 08:13:23

Thanks for the tips, everyone. Some good ideas which I'll take away.

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