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Need some relationship perspective please(25 Posts)
This could be an AIBU but Im posting here because I just need some other views on this situation and maybe some advice on what to do.
A bit of background is needed so please bear with me
I am divorced with 2 daughters. The breakdown of my marriage was awful and I have been left with a great deal of grief (which is getting less as time goes by) and some pretty big trust issues.
I have a new relationship with a really lovely man ... we've been seeing each other for almost a year. We met by chance,we were very much in a romantic bubble for the first six months, seeing each other quietly on the occasions when my girls were not arond. By the end of the summer we were open about our relationship and he gets along well with my girls.
I am very much in love with him, it has been a wonderful year. BUT There is an issue that is coming between us - he has not introduced me to any of his friends or family. He has met my family and most of my dearest friends.
He is a bit of a loner, but not totally isolated and there is one particular female friend of his that lives locally that has become a particular issue as he sees her every week or two. He made efforts to hid the number of times he saw her from me (by using omission and vague language rather than direct lies) I raised my feelings of unease about this with him and asked to meet her at the end of last summer. Though he has been more open about when he sees her I am still waiting.
When we talk about it he gets upset that I dont trust him but, really, am I being unreasonable to be upset that he hasnt introduced me to his close friends by now?
I would expect to have met at least 1 of his friends by now! And you´ve not met family either, you say? How very strange, esp given he´s met several of yours....
Can you maybe arrange a get-together round your house for drinks or in a pub and invite a few mates from your side and he can invite a few from his end? Just so it´s a bit more informal incase she feels uncomfortable or something?
It would certainly make me wonder why he´s reluctant to introduce her to you. Or do you think it´s her that doesn´t wanna meet you? Maybe she´s reticent for whatever reason....but that´s not normal is it?
I have met a friend who is also a business colleague, and who lives far away. Yesterday, because I have made a fuss, he took me to meet a local friend for coffee. It was nice. But I do find it strange and when I talk to him about it he gets quite upset because he says I dont trust him.
He says that he will introduce her to me soon, but I have waited months now. I cant invite his friends to any social gathering because I've never even been introduced to them and I have no contact with them, other than if I used facebook, which would be weird.
I do have trust issues. He has offered to babysit my daughters on a few occasions but, until I have at least seen in in context of some of his friends and family I'm not really comfortable with doing this.
I was with a man for over 3 years and never met any of his family, but I did meet his friends, yes he was supposed to be getting divorced and I'm sure he was hiding me, he had 3 sisters - 2 of them lived close to him, I found it very hurtful he was hiding me and I eventually got myself a better boyfriend. Does this man have parents/siblings? you should at least meet them. I was with the ex when he heard his mum had died - I told him to not talk to me about it and go home and not contact me until he was over it, why should I care, I never met her.
Thanks banalanacake. He does have family but I havent met them, apart from the briefest of sightings very early on. I'm starting to feel hurt but he doesnt seem to understand why when I talk about it.
anyone else? maybe I should have posted in AIBU
Do his family know about you? I'm sure they are keen to meet you?
What does he say when you ask?
This doesn't sound good at all OP. What are his reasons for not introducing yet?
What hurts is the not being acknowledged - you're not important enough to him for him to introduce to his family. You sure there's not an 'ex' hanging about he's trying to get divorced from (but not bothering) as that's what happened to me.
Quitelikely, He tells me that his family know about me, but I dont know if they want to meet me or not.
There is no divorce - there is an ex - he has a child, but I dont feel that there is something going on there. I should probably have said but I do see his dc reasonably regularly - we originally met because of a hobby I share with the dc I guess its because of that that I have let this go on so long.
Lookatyourwatchnow - he says that he just doesnt see people that often. But he does see them. He sees the female friend that I've asked to be introduced to at least once a fortnight.
What do you know about his female friend? How close to each other do you live? The fact that he says 'you don't trust me' is odd..you are on the sidelines of his life, not fully integrated.Nothing to do with trust, unless he knows there is a trust issue.
Your gut instinct is telling you there is an issue..listen to it.
The fact that when you raise this topic he gets upset, would concern me
He doesn't seem to have a good explanation
I know a little about his female friend - not stuff I would put on here because that might ring bells for someone on here. Everything I know about her I have heard from him. This week he admitted they slept togther some years ago, but it didnt work out so they are just friends. That was a new admission - before that he said that he just wasnt interested in going out with her, although she had been interested in being his girlfriend.
He's making it very clear he doesn't want you in his "real" life. We can all speculate - is he shagging the friend, etc. But really, the only thing to do is sit him down and say, "we've been together a year, I'm not happy that I feel hidden away like a dirty secret. What's going on?" If you can't do that for fear he'd get "upset," there's alarm bells right there.
I cant invite his friends to any social gathering because I've never even been introduced to them
I suggest you tell him you're planning a 'social gathering' to celebrate some event or other and ask for the names/addresses of his friends, including the female one he sees on a regular basis, and immediate family members so that you can send invites to them.
It's too late for Burns' Night but if you haven't got a significant birthday coming up perhaps you could throw a pancake/Mardi Gras themed party or host an Easter Sunday brunch or similar.
Unless it's for your own friends and family, I doubt that you will have to go to the trouble of organising any such event.
I agree he seems to be keeping you seperate for some reason.
No what I said in my OP was why don´t you guys have a get together and HE can invite a few mates from his end, inc this woman ( who is his ex in reality ) and it´d be a nice ¨getting to meet eachother¨ type thing. Nothing formal like a one on one meeting.
I think if I were seeing a guy that saw his ex regularly and she was now a good mate ( although he states in the platonic sense! ) and after a year we still hadn´t met......well I´d be pissed off and also unsettled. Cos that just wouldn´t sit right with me. If she is his ¨best mate¨ then she should be coming out for a few drinks now and again if you have get togethers with others. For instance, whenever it´s his birthday next, it´s commonplace for people to invite mates and their partners and have a few drinks and/or a meal or something...
Or some up-coming event, it´s normal for paths to cross etc. I actually feel it´s more weird you haven´t met any of his family. Why don´t you tell him to invite them round to yours for a little buffet/get to know you action....see how he reacts and then judge off of that. Cos he really should be more forthcoming and more of a driving force in getting you to meet with his nearest and dearest tbh.
I know you shouldn´t have to do that and that, ideally you should meet his parents at their place or his, but it seems like you need to go the extra mile here, plus it´d be interesting to gauge his reaction when you tell him to invite them round to yours for tea and cakes and you won´t take no for an answer....see how he reacts to that Cos to me that is totally normal, right? THe longer it gets left, the more awkward it is tbh.
Read the OP and didn't clock your immediate response, Moomin - you got there before me and your lower key suggestion of a get together make more sense than the Easter brunch I've got planned for my mates.
Thank you everyone. Draenorqueen I have already done what you suggested this week (without using the word 'dirty' though) and he reacted very badly. We have had our first argument. His 'real' life genuinely is quite solitary (i cant say why, as his work is unusual, and that would be a giveaway) and neither of us have much of a party lifestyle. I have a wide circle of friends who I stay in touch with as and when I can,but I am a single mum with no family support so I dont get out much.
My advice is to say to him I'd like to meet your parents, sisters, cousins soon as we've been together for a year now. Say it once, don't nag as it has to come from him, note the date and if it hasn't happened a year later you can decide what to do.
I did this and over 2 years later I still hadn't met them. Oh and if you haven't been to his place that's also an indicator that he's hiding something.
Thank you all. I think I have received some good advice and comments here. I will let things cool and see what happens now I've said my piece - he cannot be in any doubt that it's a deal breaker if I don't meet his female friend very soon. I can let the rest unfold and organise what I can to help meeting others along. In all other respects we've had such a magical time together so far and I have never been with anyone I have had so much common ground with, or who has been as attentive and romantic.
Good plan sadlady...your name is sooo depressing Is it just cos of this one issue? Don´t let any man get you in that state, seriously.
You do right. This will be a true test of his genuine feelings for you. Actions speak louder than words, after all. I honestly don´t know of any good reason why he wouldn´t wanna introduce his new partner who he supposedly loves, to his friends and family. Baffling! It kinda reflects his feelings towards you, which may be contrary to what he is actually telling you. Wishing you well
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