Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

straw poll

(75 Posts)
stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 14:21:50

Say you are in a long, happy steady relationship and get on very well with a couple of exes - and DP respects that and they also get on well.

And you have a friend who has 2 DCs but has parted from their abusive father, You support her 100% - emotionally, now and then financially, as a friend... and her life choices include (when DC are with father) sleeping with a lot of men.

How would you feel if said friend slept with someone who is both a close friend and an ex; she has also been for lunch with my other closest friend who she only knows through me this week.

pocketsaviour Sun 24-Jan-16 14:28:16

If they are your ex and your feelings are only friendly then I don't see why this would bother you.

Two of your friends slept together - assuming there's no hidden back story of how he shafted you during the divorce or abused you? (But if there was then why would you be friends?)

Oysterbabe Sun 24-Jan-16 14:31:46

If I was completely over him then I don't think I would mind.

Arfarfanarf Sun 24-Jan-16 14:33:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 14:43:03

I just find it a bit odd. Entirely no feelings for him whatsoever, it is just that my other best friend wouldn't dream of it. I once hooked up with one of her exes but 7 years after they split up and with her permission.

Sorry to drip feed but she sleeps with A LOT of men. I support her emotionally, financially and also to terminations that I find very difficult, she was groomed as a young teenager and I will always protect her. But when it yet another of my exes (3rd now) it is starting to bother me.

pocketsaviour Sun 24-Jan-16 14:44:21

Sorry to drip feed but she sleeps with A LOT of men.

How is that relevant - or any of your business?

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 14:47:52

It is relevant because I look after her and pick up the pieces. And my business because no one will look after her. I would never judge how much sex she has - before i met DP I was similar.

Also that there were 20 other men there; she knowingly got smashed and made a bee-line for someone I used to love.

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 14:50:33

Clearly I am wrong, thank you.

I just would never hook up with a friend's ex for a one night stand. If I fell in love with a friend's ex then I would speak to them and probably go for it but I don't like that in addition to pursuing all my friends she is now sleeping with an ever increasing number of my exes.

MoominPie22 Sun 24-Jan-16 14:54:40

Yes I would think it was odd and would feel a bit put out that she chose to shag my ex out of all the others she could have had. Does she not have any respect for you? She obviously doesn´t have much in the way of self-respect!

Whether you have feelings or not for an ex, I just find it strange behaviour. Like it was deliberate. Is she testing you? It would definately effect my friendship with her and be detrimental to it, I should think.

She sounds like she has issues and I think I´d be getting a bit fed up of picking up the pieces. Afterall, she´s a fucking grown up.hmm I would distance myself from this woman if I were you.

temporarilyjerry Sun 24-Jan-16 15:00:14

I just would never hook up with a friend's ex for a one night stand.

No, you are not odd, OP. I am with you on this one. Many years ago, a close friend had a relationship and eventually married my ex. Our friendship did not survive.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated Sun 24-Jan-16 15:03:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheersMedea Sun 24-Jan-16 15:03:59

How would you feel if said friend slept with someone who is both a close friend and an ex

Well on one view you shouldn't care emotionally if you are over it.

Honestly, I think I wouldn't be happy - not because of the emotional side, but because having sex with someone is very intimate. I wouldn't like the idea of a man knowing what I was like and also sleeping with my friend. It would bother me that they may talk about it or even if he was carrying out a mental comparison.

But then I have never stayed friends with exes as I don't really see the point (I'm talking about after a long term adult relationship not a teenage dating fling). Usually if people stay friends it's because one or other person wants to maintain contact for some unhealthy reason and is the motivating force. If it's the man, it's usually because he figures that it may leave his options open waaay down the line for a bonus night shag in future or a rekindling if times run dry. If it's the woman, it's usually because she's not over him.

So I wouldn't like it but I'd never be in that position myself as I've always dumped and cut off totally.

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 15:07:09

Thank you.

I pick up every piece and do all I can for her.

But when I told her I wasn't overly comfortable she still did it and left with him, and today they popped back over together then went for lunch. From speaking to both, neither have any intentions of any sort of relationship and if they did I would fully support them but it just feels weird

honeybunny14 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:07:50

I would feel the same expecially as you say it the third ex she has went for

BaronessBomburst Sun 24-Jan-16 15:09:24

If a friend slept with one of my exes we would giggle and compare notes. I really wouldn't care.
But it sounds like your friend has serious problems. Is she happy and confident in herself?

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 15:11:00

Yougotta - I am in no way jealous. I just expect some boundaries between friends. I do not judge her sleeping with an average of 4 different men per week because if I was single I cannot say I wouldnt do the same and every time she ends up heart broken/ knocked up/ distracted to the point we go for drinks and she spends the entire night on the phone to a man from Tinder I look after her, let her stay with me, help her rebuild herself.

It just feels weird that she went for one of my exes, especially one I was very fond of at the time.

AyeAmarok Sun 24-Jan-16 15:12:39

I agree with you OP. I think it's a rule that friends shouldn't get with exes.

If it was love's young dream then I'm sure you wouldn't stand in their way if your friend came to you first, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here!

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 15:14:11

No she isn't okay with herself. My day job is being a clinical psychologist and I try so bloody hard to help, support, care for her but so often she offers nothing in return. She is always late by hours, self involved, sleeps wit my exes, just so much... But she doesn't have many other people, if any, so I carry on. Enabling, perhaps. She is just emotionally so self interested but it isn't intentional.

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 15:16:06

She is meant to be my maid of honour at the end of this year but right now I just cannot see the friendship surviving.

MoominPie22 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:21:04

OMG stinky so she doesn´t even use protection if she´s getting pregnant more than once? She´s had a few terminations? shock She seriously doesn´t have any self-respect does she? That´s appalling behavior.

Abortions aren´t exactly pleasant and not something I would ever want to experience for a second time. And all because she can´t be arsed to get him to use condoms and/ or sort some contraception out for herself! FFS...confused

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 15:26:16

She has a condition, I'm not sure what, that means she is almost infertile. She has check ups every month.

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 15:28:16

And yes I agree. I had a termination 4 years ago because I was in an abusive relationship and not equipped to look after a child. I still have nightmares about it. I cannot comprehend why she just does not give a shit.

Buttercup443 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:32:51

Why is she picking up all your leftovers?
Does she try and emulate you in any way? Dress like you? Etc

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated Sun 24-Jan-16 15:33:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stinkysnowbear Sun 24-Jan-16 16:06:10

Butter - yes. I even got her a job.

you gotta - you are clearly after an argument. I look after this girl, day to dsy, I listen and support and protect her.

To an extent though, I disagree. I think i is pretty disrespectful to hook up with a close friend's ex unless you see real love.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: