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Those who stayed after a betrayal,do you still 'celebrate' your marriage?

(23 Posts)
Rainbowlou1 Sun 24-Jan-16 14:06:09

i don't know how if this is going to make any sense so I apologise firstly if it doesn't!
My husband betrayed me last year (beginnings of an ea..got caught etc!) after lots and lots of anger, talk, tears and confusion he is desperately working at keeping us together-I have good days and bad days and nothing yet is set in stone.
This thread isn't about whether I should ltb at all.
A friend reminded me that it would be my 5th wedding anniversary this year and were we doing anything special for it and it made me think that actually he broke those vows and promises he made to me just a mere 4 years ago so celebrating a 'marriage' seems a little sad to me.
I guess I hadn't been thinking about the long term things like that and been taking each day at a time but now it's made me wonder if I could ever bring myself to have an anniversary where I'm not thinking ' we made it to just 4 years and then he forgot he was married and had promised to love, respect and be loyal to me'
It feels a little like we're now in a relationship where we just happen to be legally married?
Maybe I'm over reacting but I didn't enter into the commitment of a marriage lightly and meant every vow I made.
I just wondered how anyone else got over this? If they felt that way-or maybe I'm the only one who thinks way too deeply into stuff!!
X

pocketsaviour Sun 24-Jan-16 14:33:25

I have never celebrated anniversaries anyway so I can't be much help on that score, sorry. How long is it since it happened/you found out? Sounds like it's early days yet?

If you're able to work things out perhaps next year you'll feel more like marking the anniversary?

Rainbowlou1 Sun 24-Jan-16 14:45:39

Thank you for replying

I guess by celebrating I mean a dinner out and a card, nothing much-but marking the 'occasion' because it was such a special day, but now it's like although yes it was a special day, the meaning of it has kind of been damaged?
It all started to come out last September..I do feel it's sometimes still raw but I'm a long way ahead than I was back then.
Every so often things happen that pop it all back in my head and it starts again!

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:02:55

Been two years since I became aware of the betrayel against me.
I have not celebrated our wedding anniversary since and don't think I ever will again.
It is still early days for you.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:04:59

Like you, although it was a special day it feels damaged to me too.

Rainbowlou1 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:23:22

Thank you for your reply and making me realise it's not just me...do you mind me asking how your husband feels about that?x

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Sun 24-Jan-16 18:51:54

He doesn't mention it but I know he is disappointed and would like to still celebrate it.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 24-Jan-16 19:43:55

I can understand not 'celebrating' it this year, but to never celebrate or mark it again, what's the point in staying in a marriage that feels like a sham?

Rainbowlou1 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:04:50

I don't know where I'll 'be' in terms of this next year, I was just looking for others' experiences

betrayedandwobbly Sun 24-Jan-16 20:11:51

No. The marriage part 1 was over from the day I confronted him.

We are separated, but I did wonder if we could restart (which would also reset the clock in terms of number of years) but a I am slowly coming to accept that he will never make an effort.

(For reasons I won't go in to, I do not think a reconciliation is likely to happen now).

But no, even if the attempt at restart had reached any flicker of success or progress, I do not think I would ever be able to celebrate the anniversary of the first try.

Rainbowlou1 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:24:10

Betrayed I'm sorry things worked out like that...it's horrible to go from thinking about your future and life together and take it for granted, to having to think about things one day at a time and not be sure if it will be together or by yourself x

goddessofsmallthings Sun 24-Jan-16 20:26:10

It doesn't sound as if this marriage is anything to celebrate and surely it's a non sequitur if you're livng apart with little hope of reconciliation?

I can't see that a 'restart' after separation resets the clock as your wedding anniversary will always fall on the date you married and the number of years you've been married will always be counted from that date, therefore celebrating the date of a reconciliation or divorce, for that matter, is an entirely separate occasion, unless it took place on the wedding anniversary date which will inevitably bring its own reminders.

Heffagoodday Sun 24-Jan-16 20:36:01

I know exactly how you feel. For me, everything kicked off on our 5th wedding anniversary. We worked things out but I didn't feel like celebrating our wedding anniversary much at all for a while. Tenth wedding anniversary this year and we will be celebrating. Our marriage is much happier now, and I think the rough times are behind us. Obviously, I don't know what the future holds though.

I think the desire to celebrate just slowly came back.

Potatoface2 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:43:27

its still early days for you....my husband cheated when we had been married 4 years.....he left, i had him back...it was hard going for probably 3 or 4 years....it took me a long time to forgive, i havent forgotten....but its easier, it doesnt get mentioned anymore, i lived day to day for a long time....he had to prove a lot to me and put up with my questioning, crying, being difficult, shouting etc....but that is what he had to do to prove to me he was sorry...you have every right to be angry when you want to be and if he cant hack it then its his problem....its his fault you are like you are....we didnt celebrate our anniversary for a few years....but we do now...we have had ups and downs....but its 24 years now that we have been married and i have just received the biggest bouquet ever....good luck

JonesTheSteam Sun 24-Jan-16 20:51:43

I certainly didn't feel like celebrating the first wedding anniversary following my discovery of my DH's affair. It was only two months after DDay and I can remember looking at all the cards in the shop and thinking that he must not love me so what's the point. I can't remember if I even bought a card - everything is all a bit muddled up from then, as, understandably, I was walking around in a but of a daze. If I did (and I doubt it) it was the plainest card I could possibly find.

But last year, yes we did. And bought each other cards. (Have never done presents for anniversaries.)

And we will again this year.

We loved each other very much when we got married, and now I think we love each other more. We certainly appreciate each other more. It's a different relationship, but different doesn't mean worse for us.

Rainbowlou1 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:53:12

Thank you everyone for your replies!
MN has been a massive support to me over the last few months!
X

megandmogatthezoo Sun 24-Jan-16 21:06:45

My DH always buys me a card, a present and books a meal out. There is a certain irony in this as before his affair he always forgot and I was the one who made an effort. It'll be 4 years this year since we reconciled and in that time I haven't been able to celebrate our anniversary. For a long time I wouldn't even wear his wedding ring. Our marriage as it was is over. What we have now is new, and different, and (for me) at times very sad. I hope it gets easier.

Rainbowlou1 Sun 24-Jan-16 21:24:08

Megs that's exactly how I feel...this now is anew relationship...our amazing marriage as it was at the time and all it meant is no more and this is now different.
I hope it gets easier for you...and me and everyone else in this horrible situation.
I guess I'm thinking If he had done what he had done and we weren't married..we could reconcile and strive towards the next step...of committing to marriage.
But if you made that commitment and he still betrayed it what can you move on to??
He bought me a Christmas card gushing about his 'amazing wife'...I walked around card shops aimlessly looking to reciprocate but couldn't bring myself to buy one as they were all about husbands who looks after their wives and are one 1in a million!
Maybe it will change in time!x

Ludways Sun 24-Jan-16 21:32:52

I forgot our first anniversary, so it's obviously never been a big thing for me. However, we are now 8 years post dh's affair., since then I've made the effort to remember our anniversary and although we don't exchange cards or gifts, we still try to mark it somehow. I think it's important to make it even more special than it used to be. You have to remind each other why it's important and what makes your marriage special. It's so easy to wallow in the negative but at some point you need to draw a line under it and move on... Or what is it you're fighting for?

Ludways Sun 24-Jan-16 21:35:56

Strangely enough, although I make efforts in all other areas of our marriage, I haven't bought him a loving card since before his affair, they're always funny now. Lol

I'm not sure he's noticed.

Rainbowlou1 Sun 24-Jan-16 21:36:52

That's i very true ludways...maybe at the moment it's too raw-I don't want to feel like this forever so hopefully time will tell x

Ludways Sun 24-Jan-16 22:12:22

Like I say I'm 8 years post dh's affair, I'm very much over it, it rarely even enters my head now. I'd never have believed it if you'd told me that back then!

Rainbowlou1 Mon 25-Jan-16 21:31:40

I can only hope then that one day I'll be in the same situation as you and it won't keep coming back into my head!
Thank you x

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