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If you stopped someone emotionally abusing you how did you do it?

(96 Posts)
spad Sun 24-Jan-16 13:26:06

Please can you tell me. I am finding it difficult to keep being strong.

Savagebeauty Sun 24-Jan-16 13:26:29

Divorced them

Getit Sun 24-Jan-16 13:27:16

Dumped him

venusinscorpio Sun 24-Jan-16 13:29:04

I had to leave them. And I didn't do it soon enough in any of the cases. Don't waste your life and let them wreck your self esteem, if they're knowingly abusive they're not going to change, and are likely to get worse.

spad Sun 24-Jan-16 13:29:04


How did you know there was no way you could make the situation improve?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 24-Jan-16 13:34:48

You cannot stop someone acting like this. He acts like this because he can and feels entitled to do so. He sees nothing wrong with this behaviour he has likely seen in his own childhood as well (such stuff is often deeply ingrained).

It is hard enough to even change one aspect of your own behaviour, trying to get someone else to change theirs is an exercise in futility.

Woodenmouse Sun 24-Jan-16 13:36:43

Left him!! I met DH not long after and it put in perspective how bad my previous partner had been treating me

PushingThru Sun 24-Jan-16 13:37:11

She left me.

TempusEedjit Sun 24-Jan-16 13:39:02

Another one who left him. The minute you stop accepting the abuse is the minute the relationship unravels anyway - what use are you to them when they can no longer control you?

QuiteLikely5 Sun 24-Jan-16 13:39:37

You can't make other people change.

His personality is deeply ingrained and it's through abuse he has witnessed or experienced himself.

Hence why if there are children involved you should keep them away from abusive relationships

Costacoffeeplease Sun 24-Jan-16 13:39:56

You can't stop them - they would have to want to stop themselves

DorynownotFloundering Sun 24-Jan-16 13:40:23

Don't presume it's a "he" Attila grin

Whoever it is, OP you cannot change them nor can they expect you to, although they often will as they see you as the one in the wrong.

I left my ex after years of low level abuse (amongst other things) as I couldn't see me any more, I was disappearing & it has taken nearly 8 years & lots of wise words from MN-ers to help me distance myself from him & his attitude to me, still a work in progress but have never regretted it.

gamerchick Sun 24-Jan-16 13:40:38

You can't change a person. Once they show their utter contempt and get into the habit of abusing you it's game over.

Footle Sun 24-Jan-16 13:40:43

Found a proper one.

spad Sun 24-Jan-16 13:43:04

We have three very young children. I am so scared you are all right.

He didn't use to be like this. Surely he can go back to being like that again?

Savagebeauty Sun 24-Jan-16 13:44:28

OP...abusers don't change.
I had enough. I hated being with him, even though I had lovely home, financially comfortable and to the outside world, had it all.
And life is great now

spad Sun 24-Jan-16 13:45:22

How did you end it Savage? How did your children cope?

venusinscorpio Sun 24-Jan-16 13:46:02

Exactly, contempt is the key here. They abuse you, but they also will despise you for letting them, and that will make them worse. You can't pull a relationship back from that, IMO. It's not your fault, but you need to rewrite that script and get control of the narrative in your life and the only way you can do that is to end the relationship.

DespicableBee Sun 24-Jan-16 13:46:29

The only way is to leave, they will never change back to the ' nice' person they were at the start because this as an act

spad Sun 24-Jan-16 13:47:18

What do you mean the narrative venusinscorpio?

Savagebeauty Sun 24-Jan-16 13:48:10

Told him I didn't love him. That shocked him.

We stayed on the house for 5 months which was grim. The dcs were OK..they're teens ..were in the middle of GCSE and A levels. But they did really well and are fine.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 24-Jan-16 13:48:27

So he wasn't avusive for years and has just turned that way?

What sort of things does he do?

Hissy Sun 24-Jan-16 13:48:55

You want your little ones to grow up just like him? Ganging up on you? Torturing their own poor partners? Suffering as a result of the abusive environment they are stuck in?

Carry on..

Otherwise the ONLY option to stop the abuse is to leave.

The sooner you do this the better for your children and for you.

Make the right choice

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 24-Jan-16 13:50:24

No, what you saw from him was an act for your benefit. This was a mirage.

There may have also been what are "red flag" behaviours in the past as well, such men do not just become abusive overnight. These people tend to ramp up the power and control ante over a long period of time (the boiling water and frog analogy).

Such men do not change.

Would you now want to contact Womens Aid or at least read the "listen up everybody" thread on these relationship pages?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. They seeing you being emotionally abused by their dad is no legacy to be leaving them.

Lookatyourwatchnow Sun 24-Jan-16 13:50:53

Left. It's the only option. Really.

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