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His relationship with his ex

(90 Posts)
Saymyname123 Sun 24-Jan-16 11:05:46

I've been seeing my partner for about a year.
We got together shortly after we both left our ex partners.
We both have young children.
Whilst my split has been acrimonious and full of tension and anger. His seems to have gone text book smoothly.
He is adamant there are no feelings there, she did want him back for a long time but that fight seems to have wained now.

What I find difficult to understand is that they still get on so well, he is happy to text away to her about her life even if it's not relevant to the children.
He buys her thoughtful birthday and christmas gifts (from the children) and they have been on two outings in the last month, all for no reason at all other than they all fancied a day out together.

Their days out have become more regular since the latter end of last year, I understand it is nice for them all to get on and be able to do things such as birthday parties, school events etc but random days out seems odd to me.

My ex and I are just about on speaking terms, we broke up why would we want to spend any time together other than the absolute bare minimum we have to.
We are polite and never argue in front of out child but other than that we are uninvolved in each other's.

Is it weird or am I just over thinking the situation ?! I'm yet to meet his children also and he is not ready to mine.

Candycoco Sun 24-Jan-16 11:19:49

That would annoy me to be honest. There may be nothing in it but he seems a little insensitive doing it so often as surely he would realise it might upset you? Others will probably say there's nothing wrong with it but you have my sympathies I wouldn't like it!

Saymyname123 Sun 24-Jan-16 11:31:30

It is annoying as eventually he should be doing those days out with me etc - having known them before hand they rarely did anything together.
It seems to be much at his instigation anyway as it always on his time that these things happen ?
She doesn't have a partner as I far as I know either so she has only to please her self.

RudeElf Sun 24-Jan-16 11:35:29

I think its really adult. Its clear they were obviously great friends as well as partners. I only wish my exp and i could have remained civil enough to each other since we split. Saves a lot of unnecessary hurt.

Candycoco Sun 24-Jan-16 11:36:35

Have you spoke to him about it at all? Awkward I know as you don't want him to feel like you're not ok with him seeing her at all, but I do think you need to let him know how this is making you feel.
I think at a minimum he needs to stop all the idle chatter over text, it could make her feel like they have a chance of getting back together. He really only needs to communicate about the children otherwise the lines are blurred.

Saymyname123 Sun 24-Jan-16 11:42:38

I have spoken to him but we are very much of different opinions on the matter.
Even if she isn't in touch which to be honest the last few months I don't think she has bothered at all between contact, he will then message her in the morning some days asking how all of their week is ? If work and school is okay ? Etc

There was a point where he couldn't stand her being in contact - he felt the same as did that all information could be exchanged at handovers etc.
He doesn't need to text to wish them ALL a good weekend does he ?!

MiddleClassProblem Sun 24-Jan-16 11:51:36

Sounds like they are doing what's best for their DC as well as the fact they get on.

There are always two ways break to look at break ups and you both cover each. You broke up for a reason and dislike this person now so you want minimal contact. You once loved this person and we're best friends through out your relationship so why would you not have them in your life if you can be friends and you have a DC.

For a lot of kids, having both their parents around at the same time is a wonderful thing as they love you both and don't really understand why you don't love each other. Adult relationships are far more complicated then a child can understand but if you can give them a bit of that then that's a win. But if you really don't like each other then it's detrimental as kids feel the angst.

You're both doing what's right for your dcs with your exes.

Cloppysow Sun 24-Jan-16 11:55:45

They're his family and will be forever. I'd think more of a guy who had a good relationship with his ex than one who had a poor relationship.

lighteningirl Sun 24-Jan-16 11:58:59

Hmm I think you need to step away this sounds like a family that could be reunited it's not normal to fancy spending days together and if there was nothing left between them they would have invited you. For your own sake bow out gracefully and find a man that is truly free.

RudeElf Sun 24-Jan-16 12:01:24

I think at a minimum he needs to stop all the idle chatter over text, it could make her feel like they have a chance of getting back together. He really only needs to communicate about the children otherwise the lines are blurred.

I can tell you now that anyone who thought they knew better than me how to conduct my own relationships would be out on their arse. My ex has just texted offering a spare pair of hands for my house move because he knows i'm working on one foot right now and he has asked if i need any money to tide me over. Not related to DC at all. He has offered like many of my friends have offered. And believe me there was a time i would happily see him fall off the face of the earth. Relationships change, even when there is no longer a romantic involvement, there is still a relationship. Yes mainly because of the children but they are also people who once very much enjoyed each other's company. I am still in touch with other exes. Still grab a coffee or lunch now and again. I wont stop that just because a new partner is jealous or insecure.

Saymyname123 Sun 24-Jan-16 12:06:26

Why would you want to be with one another when you don't have to be that's my argument ?! I understand birthdays - christmas - but random days out just because you fancy being a family again ? That is my worry that perhaps his subconscious is pricking at him and he feels a pull towards them all.
We don't live together, we see each other once a week - we work together though and it makes me wonder if it's not right for him.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 24-Jan-16 12:09:57

I think it's more it isn't right for you than him.

inlectorecumbit Sun 24-Jan-16 12:11:19

I would let him go.. He is being pulled towards his family. Give them a chance to work it out, if he enjoys their company so much it may just be a matter of time before he goes to them anyway.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sun 24-Jan-16 12:15:38

He is away from his family and so wants to know how they are. I can imagine that's pretty difficult for you but his ex's wellbeing impacts on his children and so I can understand why he wants to know how they ALL are.

I have had acrimonious break ups and I have had one four/five years ago where we broke up because of situation more than because we started to hate each other. There is still affection there and luckily for us we didn't have children so there is no reason to be in touch (although he has tried a few times). It is dangerous territory when there is still affection there I'll admit. Do you know why they broke up?

wannaBe Sun 24-Jan-16 12:21:05

I think that people who have issue with their partner communicating with their ex about anything other than the children says a lot more about them than it does about the partner.

This notion that because a romantic relationship is over they should never be allowed to communicate again other than because of the children is deeply insecure and tbh not healthy.

I'm not talking about Ex's who feel the need to talk about getting back together, but ex's who maintain a healthy friendship because that's most likely where they began and despite the fact they are no longer together they still think something of each other.

My ex doesn't communicate with me, and I have very little doubt that his DP has Some input towards that decision, but if we were still on friendly terms I wouldn't tolerate being told who I could and couldn't talk to and what I was allowed to communicate about. You wouldn't tolerate it over any other friendship, so why should it be different just because it's an ex.

Saymyname123 Sun 24-Jan-16 12:22:01

He fell out of love with her. Was unhappy. Arguing. No time for each other. Family life wasn't happy.
I left my ex because it was a bad relationship.

Even if we were friend though I wouldn't be spending any time with him, we are perfectly cordial for the sake of our daughter, we just see no need in being a family when we are seperate now.

Sunbeam1112 Sun 24-Jan-16 12:24:57

OP where you the OW? Even having an emotional relationship? You said you got together quickly. Maybe he was unhappy prior and fell on you as a crutch now realitys stepped in hes isolated from his family living on his own. Sounds like hes missing his family and regretting the decision to leave in the first place but doesnt have the heart to tell you.

Cloppysow Sun 24-Jan-16 12:27:55

The thing is though, they are still his family.

I had a horribly acrimonious break up with my kids dad. But we're mostly friends now. We have a laugh in our communication about the kids. I communicate with his new wife about the kids too, we also have a laugh about stuff. They may not be directly my family, but they are the kids family. I still spend a lot of time with his sister and occasionally meet his mum for lunch. Just because they no longer have a romantic relationship, doesn't mean they should have no relationship.

wannaBe Sun 24-Jan-16 12:28:48

Also, why shouldn't you care about someone's wellbeing? Becoming an ex doesn't mean the button has to be switched from love to hate over night. Relationships end for various reasons, and many people are far better apart than together. Doesn't mean they want to be together again, but it's always worth remembering that they thought enough of each other to have a family together once.

My ex went through a serious family illness a couple of years ago where he had to be away from home for a week. The day before he came back I text him to say I was doing a shopping list on ocado and did he need anything (he'd had to rush to the hospital as it was an emergency and didn't feel he could leave for several days due to the nature of the situation so no doubt had very little in) I can only imagine the response if someone posted "my DP's Ex has been offering to do shopping for him etc, IBU to think that she should back off?" I have no doubt that posters would have responded "she's obviously still far too invested, he needs to cut her out, or you need to ltb."

Foreverconfused Sun 24-Jan-16 12:35:37

Partner and I have been together for 8 years now and partner's split from his partner for 10/11 years. They have 4 children together so when we first got together I always backed off and accepted there would be regular contact with his ex ,he would spend Christmas days ,birthdays together etc... I'd met the kids a few time and we all got on but knew that she would be a constant in our lives as she was their mother. When partner and I had a baby 3 years in and finally moved in together it caused world war 3. Even though we had been together for years beforehand she still thought that they would eventually get back together so now that I was having a child it finalised things IYSWIM. For years after that there was animosity and the kids felt torn as their mother couldn't accept that there was a part of their lives she wasn't part of (by this I mean their half siblings, my children ) as she had always been priority even when they'd split. I do believe that if there had been a clean break from the beginning ,maintaining contact for the kids, spending only special occasions together as a family etc... there would have been less stress AND would actually have got on a lot better in the long run.
It's only last year that contact has been minimal (kids older ,2 of them driving etc...) and things are a lot different. It seems they've had the clean break they've needed and everyone's happy.
Not saying exes can't be good friends, I know a few but I think both need to have both moved on ,one of them can't be stuck in the past. The fact your partner seems to be messaging all the time seems very one sided as you mentioned she doesn't seem as involved like him ? I'd be more concerned about that ,why is he still clinging onto her when she seems happy to move on?

MiddleClassProblem Sun 24-Jan-16 12:35:50

Saymyname none of your posts seem to consider they are doing it for DC sand have regained a friendship in the process.

I think this is just too much for you although a lot of people would be fine with it. It's not about what they're doing, it's about how you feel about it within your relationship. If it's not something you are comfortable you should end it but not expect him to stop.

RudeElf Sun 24-Jan-16 12:40:59

Why would you want to be with one another when you don't have to be that's my argument

Because they like each other's company. Because they have things in common. Because they are friends. Do you allow him to see/talk to other friends even when he doesnt "have" to?

TheStoic Sun 24-Jan-16 12:43:06

My ex and I chat via txt pretty much every day. He's my friend, and I still care for him very much.

There is zero chance we will get back together.

I used to go on outings with him and kids, but I wouldn't do that now I have a new partner. I don't think he would ever say anything, but I still think it would be disrespectful to him.

In my opinion, fidelity is like justice - not only must it be done, it must be SEEN to be done. I don't want my partner feeling uncomfortable in any way, even though I know he has nothing to worry about.

Saymyname123 Sun 24-Jan-16 12:44:35

Sorry perhaps it is my end that needs to change and accept.

What really got me was that she hadn't been in touch and called one evening before there most recent contact just to check the time he was collecting children as he sometimes needs to change for work. He took the call in the hall way all seemed very normal and to the point until he said " I look forward to seeing you. Perhaps we could do such and such with the children ... If you'd like to !? " and I guess it made me wonder why he was looking forward to seeing her.

wannaBe Sun 24-Jan-16 12:50:21

I imagine that part of the key here though is that you haven't yet met each other's kids. Tbh a year into a relationship I would have expected to have met the kids by now if the relationship is heading anywhere.

Were you the ow op? Or if you weren't, does the ex actually know about you?

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