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Need to get this off my chest. (Long)

(20 Posts)
CodswallopPie Sun 24-Jan-16 10:52:52

Hi, this is probably going to be long sorry. I don't really want a bunch of LTBs, I just want to get it off my chest and maybe some advice or your own experiences.

Dp moved up here to be with me (15.5 years ago) It all happened pretty quick. I was only 18, he was 20, we were in love etc. Got our own place had dc1 after 4 years then dc2 and 3 came along. The problem is, as he has gotten older, he has just kind of given up. He is negative all the bloody time, definitely glass half empty type, whereas I'm the opposite. He doesn't do anything with us as a family (except odd meals out) I take the dc places on my own. We have our 1st family holiday abroad booked for May and he's just told me he doesn't want to come. The dc, I think, don't particularly like him. If they want, say, a packet of crisps off the top of the fridge. Instead of asking their dad to get them down, who is in the sitting room, they will come upstairs to ask me (they have learnt he'll say no)
He refuses to learn to drive, eventhough he gave up his job to become self employed in a job which needs driving, so I'm driving him about his jobs (and also helping with them and doing all admin etc) He also works the least amount of hours he can get away with.
He won't answer the phone or door. He doesn't really leave the house except from work or the odd occasion we have a meal out. His poor mum never gets a call, he's not spoken to her since Christmas. (I think she's seeing how long it takes him to call tbh)
He washes up and vacuums and puts bins out once a week, and thinks thats him done (remember we work the same hours in same job) All meal planning, shopping and cooking is done by me. Yet he's always moaning he doesn't fancy what I'm making, yet offers no ideas of his own.

If I'm honest I do want out of the relationship, but I'm too soft as he will have nowhere to go. I don't think he would go back home (his brothers would have his life i think) He is not able to ring places to enquire about things such as a place to stay or even gas/electric etc I couldn't even move out with the kids as he wouldn't be able to stay in a 3 bed HA house on his own as he'd have no job (if I'm not there to drive him) to pay the bedroom tax (and why should I uproot the dc?)

I just feel trapped. We are no longer intimate, months can go by as I just don't find him desirable due to his neediness. We sit in seperate rooms all the time. If I do sit in the sitting room, he causes an argument of some sort over something trivial (like the dog wont settle cos he doesnt allow her on the sofa)
He would not go to the doctor at all. I actually think he may be depressed which is another reason I feel guilty. I am trying to "fix" it by trying to go back to how we were, but he's not trying.

On the flip side, I'm not perfect. I guess I do nag and I am crap with money so we're in a bit debt. I am very close with my brother (who dp dislikes) so he gets jealous if I do him a favour. Or offer to watch my nephew (who i love to bits) That causes a lot of arguments too, but I'd prefer to be in my dbs company than his as he is just so depressing.

Well that was epic. Thanks if you have read all that. I've probably missed bits out but I'll add them if/when i remember them.

sofato5miles Sun 24-Jan-16 10:58:59

Leave. You have one life and you are still young.

pocketsaviour Sun 24-Jan-16 11:01:23

He does sound depressed - but he sounds depressed about being married with DC, if you see what I mean. He doesn't sound suited to family life at all.

The phrase "learned helplessness" springs to mind re the driving etc. Can you put a limit on that? Tell him you're setting a deadline of say, 1st May, and after that he'll need to make his own arrangements?

Penfold007 Sun 24-Jan-16 11:02:40

Tell him how you feel and ask him to move out.

Penfold007 Sun 24-Jan-16 11:04:39

Sorry posted too soon. Ask him to move out or see his GP to rule out depression. What does he want from the relationship?

notapizzaeater Sun 24-Jan-16 11:05:33

What do you want ? You are not responsible for him - he is an adult so make him behave like one

QuiteLikely5 Sun 24-Jan-16 11:06:59

He isn't your responsibility, sounds like he is literally dragging you down

You've got three kids? No you have got four if you include him..........

CodswallopPie Sun 24-Jan-16 11:09:26

He is very much a "head in the sand" person. I think he knows how I feel but is pretending not to. I have had words with him before, things get better for a while but go back to normal. He has no friends at all up here. Those saying for him to move out, its really not that simple. He cannot phone people to sort it/no money to pay rent. £1000 was taken from his account a few years ago. He would not ring to sort it. I had to ring and go through loads of trouble to let them speak to me.

pocketsaviour Sun 24-Jan-16 11:14:27

How is it that he's able to hold down a job but "cannot" have a phone conversation? Again "learned helplessness" springs to mind. He plays the incapable manchild and gets you to do everything for him.

For now, because I'm sensing you still feel massive responsibility for him (as if he were your child rather than your partner) can you just stop doing all household stuff for him? No cooking, no ironing, his laundry doesn't get done, etc. Just do your own and DCs and let him know that when he's ready to start acting like a man instead of a little boy, he can renegotiate.

CodswallopPie Sun 24-Jan-16 11:15:07

Thats what it feels like QuiteLikely. If I ask him to leave, does that mean I'm going to have to sort everything out though? He absolutely will not do it.

CodswallopPie Sun 24-Jan-16 11:18:03

He holds down a job because, basically, I do it for him. I am terrified of dying because I know he would not cope and the dc would suffer.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 24-Jan-16 11:20:37

Yes maybe you have too but I would be quite happy in your shoes just to do it and get rid of him!

I know exactly the sort of man your talking about as I have some in my family!

Who's name is the house in?

CodswallopPie Sun 24-Jan-16 11:21:47

This was meant to be under another nickname but it hasn't worked for some reason, I've asked MN to change it.

CodswallopPie Sun 24-Jan-16 11:22:55

Joint tenancy.

pocketsaviour Sun 24-Jan-16 11:27:18

I think if you have to do all the running around to get him out, then do it. He is not your child. He is not your responsibility. If he truly can't cope with the world, then he needs a carer/support worker, or he can go back to his mum's. However I would be inclined to think that he is perfectly capable of coping with things, he just doesn't want to, and as long as he can persuade you to do it for him, it's all gravy, isn't it?

CodswallopPie Sun 24-Jan-16 12:44:40

And what if I sort it out then he won't leave? I cannot physically carry him.

DespicableBee Sun 24-Jan-16 13:56:43

Life it too short to stay with someone who makes you unhappy, you said you don't think your children like him either
It's not your responsibility to find him somewhere to live, he's an adult

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 24-Jan-16 21:02:58

Are you/married? Can you get his name taken off the joint tenancy?

As a minimum if he doesn't leave, you absolutely stop doing anything for him. No driving, no cooking, no laundry, no chatting.

He seems to have convinced you he has some sort of learning difficulty and you must be his carer. So he gets a chauffeur, PA, housekeeper and nanny. How tragic. You feel sorry for him. That's really tragic. I mean he doesn't even have to drive himself to work, send an invoice or get a bag of crisps down off the fridge. Is he actually the queen?

Friendlystories Sun 24-Jan-16 22:32:09

So basically your options are to do everything for him to organise your separation as a one off or do everything for him to organise his life.....forever. I know which I would choose. You need to let go of your guilt and sense of responsibility for him, you didn't make him like this and he is choosing to do nothing about it. It's difficult when you're bogged down in the day to day stuff but you need to have a really good think about what you want from life, we only get one and it would be a tragedy if you were to end up feeling you'd wasted yours carrying someone who, basically, gives nothing back. You deserve to be happy and a partner is supposed to want that for you too, you're meant to help each other feel happy and content, what is he doing for you in that respect? It sounds like you're constantly trying to make his life easier but he doesn't seem to be doing the same for you. Change, especially a massive one like splitting up would be, is always daunting but the upheaval would be short term and you could end up somewhere wonderful in your life, I think in your shoes I would prefer to take a chance on that than live with what you have which, frankly, sounds like a whole lot of hard work for very little reward.

HandyWoman Sun 24-Jan-16 23:19:41

I was exhausted just reading through the OP. You deserve so much more from a relationship than this.

I think you need to be clear ASAP that this can't go on. Quit with his wife work. Give him the choice to shape up (including, if he is depressed, going to the GP) or ship out.

Its clear he isn't going to actually organise himself to leave. You will need to get him out. But your life will ultimate better without this excuse of a 'partner'.

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