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Am I abnormal for not wanting a partner? Some sexual content.(12 Posts)
This might get long as I don't want to miss anything out. Sorry in advance. I'm writing things that may or may not be relevant.
I'm 28 years of age and have had one boyfriend. I met him when I 24 and we were together a month shy of 3 years but continued to see each other for another 8 months. In May 2015 he met somebody else and completley cut me off. I was devastated and attempted suicide. I'm now completely over him. He was the first and only man I had ever kissed, slept with etc. Until then I wasn't really interested in meeting anybody. In fact I was more concerned that I would never be a mummy if I didn't meet somebody. Growing up I never fancied boys in the way that other people seemed to.
In the time that we were together, I loved him with all my heart to the point that I was incredibly jealous of any time he spent with other people. I wanted him to myself and put him first for 3 years. This is why we split, we constantly argued because I wanted more of him than he could give me.
I suffer with depression.
I am a complete loner. I have no interest in making friends and would rather be on my own. I spend a lot of time with my mum, who is also single. I grew up without a dad and apart from one "part time" relationship for 5 years, my mum has always been single (I say part time because they only saw each other at weekends).
I am not a lesbian, I do not fancy women. I don't really fancy men either but the female body does not turn me on whereas a mans does.
I desperately want to be a mum and I am starting to look into having a child with donor sperm. A child is what I want more than a man. I have the full support of my mum and I know my brother will support me too (only my mum knows at the moment).
I have absolutely no interest in meeting anybody. My mum is the same.
My mums sister has the perfect family - boy and girl who are married and have a boy and girl of their own. My brother has a girlfriend who already had a child when they met and he has brought her up and his own (She is 11 and they've been together since she was 2).
I realise I am rambling and a lot of what I am writing is completely irrelevant.
It's not through fear of being hurt again that I don't want a partner, I just have absolutely no desire.
This is TMI now but I have very little interest in sex. It often felt like a chore or something I had to do when I was with my ex but I can't say I ever really enjoyed it (I had recurrent thrush though which didn't help!) I never orgasmed through intercourse and it could take me up to an hour to orgasm through clitoral stimulation if he was with me (doing the 'work' myself, if he did it for me I didn't enjoy it). I watch porn maybe 2 or 3 times a month and that is the only way I can orgasm with ease. I'm not addicted to it but I need it in order to orgasm.
There is a strong chance I will never have sex again. Does this bother me? Occasionally when I am horny, yes. Most of the time, no.
So. Is there something wrong with me?
Are you maybe asexual? There's nothing wrong with that.
No, of course not. You're not harming anyone and as long as you're happy who gives a shit whether you're in a relationship or not?
There's nothing wrong with you at all. I think you're very honest & clear about what you want. Other people may find it unusual, but really, judgemental people are lurking about whatever our life choices. Live however you want to.
I have also made the decision that having a child is my priority and that it is far more important to me than having a partner, so I understand where you are coming from on that. I have spent a couple of years researching the implications of having a child on my own as (obviously) there is a lot to think through.
On your lack of interest in sex, are you on the pill? I was on the pill from the age of 14 for polycystic ovaries. I got all the way to the age of 30 never having the urge to have sex. I would fancy men but never get that 'I want to rip your clothes off you and have you right now' feeling. I came off the pill at 30 and it was a revelation! All of a sudden I started getting the urge to sleep with men that I fancied. I strongly suspect that had I not been on the pill my twenties would have been quite different as I would have had the natural urge to have sex with the men I fancied and the relationships might have gone somewhere...
Absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are who you are and sexuality is a wide and diverse spectrum. Having said that some people change with time and experience over their life span. So never put your self in a box and always keep an open mind. Your desires may be very different in 10 years time.
Also your desire for children is great. But make sure you fully consider the implications of going solo with kids. Its hard and many of us single parents never had kids with the aim of bringing them up solo. I'm my personal opinion in an ideal world raising kids should be joint effort between both parents. Have you got a family support network to help raise a child? I would really struggle without my families help. I am of course not saying don't, just make sure you have thought it through. Although I am sure you probably have already.
Thank you for the replies. I'm not sure about being asexual, I don't know enough about it to be able to put myself in that category.
Do you think you are demisexual? (google it)
This is where you don't feel real sexual attraction until you are emotionally involved with someone.
If you google it and identify with this, then it's not likely you will form a relationship with great sex from conventional youth dating channels (ie. meeting in a bar/party/internet dating); you will only fall for men that you get to know as friends slowly and like - and then when you develop an emotional connection with them, intense sexual attraction will kick in.
Here's an online quiz:-
No not unusual at all... I'm the same but I have a couple of children so my time with men is finished I have no interest in them at all.
You may be Asperger's from the sound of things but I wouldn't worry about it just be yourself.
Nothing wrong with being slightly different from the run of the mill.
The only part that would worry me is how isolated you and the child would be. It's fair enough for you to make that decision for yourself, but children are social creatures. Would you make the effort to provide your child with a social life? I could quite happily be alone a lot, but my toddler dd thrives around other people and especially other children. She would be miserable if we didn't have any friends and didn't go to the toddler groups etc.
Not having a partner is irrelevant really, plenty of mums are fantastic parenting alone. It's the wider network that I would worry about.
Hi thanks for all the replies. Aspergers has crossed my mind a number of times. I'm not sure about asexual or demisexual
flanjabelle I would definitely give my child a social life. I am a nanny and take the 2 year old out every day that I have her - library for singing, messy play at the childrens centre and toddler group at the village hall. On the day that I have her and there aren't any activities we go for walks to the river, feed the ducks, have a mooch around the shops so she is always meeting new people. I would do exactly the same (and more) for my own child.
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