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How can a marriage survive if I don't trust him?

(6 Posts)
ZombiesAteMyBaby Sun 24-Jan-16 10:08:56

I've been with DH for 21 years, have a grown up DSD in her twenties and 2 dds aged 13 (almost) and 9.

I don't think he's ever cheated on me but there have been so many incidents over the years where he's stepped over the line. Mostly flirting, sometimes online sometimes in person. Everytime it's chipped away at my trust in him.

The most recent one was a week ago and he was upfront about it straight away. It was minor as they go, but how many times do these things have to happen before I just start looking like a gullible fool?

I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm tired of being hurt and feeling inadequate. I'm tired of worrying about my relationship like lovestruck school girl.

I love him, fancy him like mad, and I know it would drive me mad if we split and he got with someone else. But our relationship doesn't feel healthy any more. I'm tired and too old to be feeling like this whenever this type of behavior crops up. Which tends to be once every few years.

I don't want to split up, apart from the practicalities, atm we're on benefits, he was made redundant I'm a carer for dd1 who has ASD. If we were to split he has nowhere to go, no family apart from his brother who lives on the otherside of the country, DSD who lives in Dubai, and no close friends, so not sure how it would work.

I don't want to split up, but I'm tired of living like this. Wondering if the next incident will be the one where he actually cheats! I mean I go about my day to day life, and my social life (or lack of one rather) as a married woman who's off limits and wouldn't dream of flirting in a way that would be harmful so why can't he?

I mean I'm no angel I'm terrible with money and I've gotten us into debt over the years and been secretive about it.

I don't know what to do for the best. We promised he kids we'd get a dog this year, and here I am talking about divorce!

Ugh, I wish someone could just tell me what path to take instead of not knowing what to do. confusedhmm

category12 Sun 24-Jan-16 10:36:17

Um as I see it, you have 2 choices. You can accept his line-crossing and box it off mentally, stop caring about it, consider it the "price of admission" to the relationship and live with it. Or end the relationship.

The first is doable, I did it for a while. Although it did turn into not caring about lots of his unacceptable (to me) behaviours and finally not caring about him. But it was a lot less painful and when I ended the relationship in the end, I was already emotionally disengaged and just happy to be free.

Lack of trust and continual straying are no way to live, the constant cuts to your self esteem and the erosion of the relationship... I'm sorry. flowers

QuiteLikely5 Sun 24-Jan-16 10:37:52

What was the latest incident?

Geekology Sun 24-Jan-16 11:58:00

I did the same as cat and in the end I didn't care about him BUT in the process I compromised myself to the point where the end was extremely painful.

One of my biggest regrets is not walking the first time I wanted to. So take the path which offers you the life you deserve even if it isn't the one you want right now.

timelytess Sun 24-Jan-16 12:07:38

If someone tells you what to do, you'll blame them when times get hard! Whatever route you take, it will be hard.
For me, I'd say 'This man flirts. Eventually he'll get the chance to cheat, if he hasn't done so already. I don't want to live like this. He has to go.' And then I hope I'd be able to keep that to myself while I 'got my ducks in a row', as they say on MN, and prepared for a better life without him.

timelytess Sun 24-Jan-16 12:10:29

[And in case I'm sounding like a paragon of common sense and virtue, I haven't yet got over the promiscuous married man who, a couple of years ago, suggested he leave his wife to be with me (before anyone panics, no, I didn't have an affair with him and I don't see him now). Its a lot easier to be sensible in someone else's life than in your own.]

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