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10yrs nc, reconciliation played out here live on mn?

(63 Posts)
zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 07:49:56

So, here it is, the germ of an idea. Not thought through yet, just playing with the idea. I've been estranged from my dm for at least a decade. It was always in my mind that the time would come when I walked away but when it finally happened it was unplanned. It would have come as a great shock to my dm. There was a little effort on her part to reach out initially but I rebuffed her firmly & we've had years of silence. Now, after such a long time she's made contact requesting reconciliation. I have no idea where she is coming from, whether she's had any therapy & is a changed person or whether she's exactly the same. There's a whole back-story obviously. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I've been very happy since going nc & the time has slipped by like water, I've not noticed at all. But I am at least going to consider reconciliation as this chance may not appear again. I don't want to write directly to her, or have phone calls much less meet at this point. I am wondering what you think of me setting up a thread & we meet here amongst you all to thrash it out, or not, as the case may be. This is very unusual I appreciate but if this is going to happen, it will be on my terms. MN has given me lots of support through the years & I appreciate the collective wisdom. Doing it this way would allow me to keep the whole event at arms length. I could dip in & out as I choose. I could have the collective support of other mnrs to arbitrate. It's a very unusual approach I know & she would have to 'buy into it' too - which I think she might. I can imagine a whole chorus of 'this is a nutty idea' but lets hear your responses & see...

schlong Sun 24-Jan-16 08:03:34

This is a nutty idea. In a nutshell. Next.

whifflesqueak Sun 24-Jan-16 08:07:13

awful idea.

self-indulgent and unnecessary.

Fourormore Sun 24-Jan-16 08:09:11

You would be much better going to see a family therapist together.

wonderpants Sun 24-Jan-16 08:09:16

Really uncomfortable!

zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:10:39

There is no way I'm going to a therapist with her.

BeverlyGoldberg Sun 24-Jan-16 08:11:09

It wouldn't end well. Too much at stake and too many emotions. Do you really want it played out on the Internet?

My advice, meet up for a coffee, somewhere neutral but comfortable.

zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:11:13

Explain why you don't like the idea?

GreenRug Sun 24-Jan-16 08:12:05

Bad idea OP. It makes you seem very self indulgent, sorry!

zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:12:15

There is absolutely no possibility of me meeting her until substantial bridges have been built.

zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:13:47

What's self indulgent about this? It would be totally anonymous? It's just that I wouldn't be doing it alone & if I was being unreasonable there would be an audience to comment.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Sun 24-Jan-16 08:13:49

I don't know I mean it's your choice but you might not get the replies from people you want siding with you and some may be harsh and could hurt you and make you question all your decisions which could cause you alot of torment. Or your mum may get ripped to shreds which may make her throw in the towel completely.

I don't thibk it's a good idea and think some things should be done in real life not via the Internet. You could do the exact same thing via facebook messenger or whatsapp or text with regards to dipping in and out and only reading when you are ready to.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 24-Jan-16 08:14:55

It's not natural to come onto a public Internet forum to thrash out your grievances with each other!

You would be much better off writing her a letter/email airing your grievances and awaiting her response, request it via letter/email so that if there's no change in her attitude you can bin her letter and move on without her in your life

GreenRug Sun 24-Jan-16 08:16:01

As for why, it's the whole element of wittingly ' playing for the audience'. I feel the idea of it is coming from the right place but I don't think it will enhance your chances of reconciliation and to my mind that should be at the forefront of your concern. Or even if it's not and you're not particularly interested in that, then why play it out for an audience?

whifflesqueak Sun 24-Jan-16 08:16:25

can't you see why it's utterly batshit to propose setting up a Jeremy Kyle style thrash out when the emotions are red hot?

do it decently.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Sun 24-Jan-16 08:16:28

You could do a whatsapp or messenger group chat with other added in, family members a husband or whatever who know the situation and know you both. Then you won't be doing it alone.

I genuinely don't think this is the place for it. I know we all post loads of personal stuff on here etc but this is between the two of you to sort out and I don't thibk adding alot of (sometimes very over opinionated) strangers into the mix, is going to help resolve things any better.

heygotanygrapes Sun 24-Jan-16 08:16:36

All sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle! Seek advice here but sort things in private imo. Good luck either way op.

zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:20:13

Exasperated I don't have a problem with hearing other peoples opinions, even if they're harsh, that's part of the reality check I'm looking for. And I am questioning my decisions. Obviously this needs thinking about which is why I'm asking this question now but I don't feel comfortable with the other options; email/letter/text/whatsapp. I also don't like the idea of it being a 'closed' conversation with no-one else present & I'm certainly not about to pay a 3rd party/therapist to be present. Besides I don't want to see her face to face.

zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:22:52

The emotions aren't red hot. In me they're stone cold. I saw it more as a slow gentle picking apart. Judging by the responses I've had so far I think I'll just leave it as it is & not respond to her overtures as I can't find a medium to conduct a reconciliation in that I feel comfortable with.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Sun 24-Jan-16 08:22:52

Well you very much seem to be of the opinion its your way or no way and that your ways right. Carry on.

nilbyname Sun 24-Jan-16 08:23:01

Terrible idea.

Go to mediation together. Or do nothing. But not this.

It's so disrespectful to you both, would end up being a bun fight circus and you'll get mangled in the process.

nilbyname Sun 24-Jan-16 08:24:25

Why couldn't you email each other and copy a sibling/friend/other in? Same sort of thing?

zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:24:59

If you'd been through what I've been through & it's 10/10 bad then you would have that opinion Exasperated

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Sun 24-Jan-16 08:25:32

There will be no slow or gentle picking apart on here if you post it as a thread.

If your emotions are stone cold then I genuinely don't see why you even want to go back there at all. Why open a fresh can of worms when the tines passed so easily and youv not thought of her until she sent the letter.

Why don't you start off by telling us all what happened and your reasoning for going nc and then we can at least advise if we even think you should bother to try resolve things.

zizzmozz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:25:53

There is no-one else appropriate who could be 'copied-in'.

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