Sitting here crying because I love him but I've had enough (and also I'm drunk).
I don't know where to start.
Got together 3 years ago. He had problems/baggage; so did I after one fucking awful break up from e.a ex.
He was great mostly but a very nasty drunk a lot (emotional abuse). Came to a peak last new year and I was going to dump him but we talked and he sorted himself out -mostly. Was still a cunt a handful of times in 2015, drink-related.
When things are good they are great. He suits me and accepts me and I love him and I do not doubt he loves me a lot. I just love the little coupley stuff we do all the time and how comfortable I am being myself 100% with him. But...
he's selfish in some ways. But so am I, so AIBU or what? I'm so confused. I love him but I also resent him.
On the good side - we are a great couple, in love, lots in common, I feel a real connection and we just seem to 'fit' in a way I haven't felt with anyone else. In many ways he is perfect. The cocklodger tag isnt right because he does loads of housework etc (more than me) so not a typical cocklodger. but... I think I'm being taken for a mug sometimes.
Financially - we live together. I earn 21k and he earns 26K. We rent and that and all bills are in my name because he had shit credit record. We were both financially up shit creek when we met but both now got new jobs. I still pay all the bills, all of them, apart from he will give me 50% of electric bill every quarter (all electric flat) and he usually covers car costs. We share car - it belongs to me but he uses it to commute to work as not possible by public transport. This has been the case since about a month after we met and his car died and I could then walk to work. My new job, I get bus one way and he gives me a lift the other. However, the tax was due after Xmas and he had no money so I paid it. I also bought his parents Christmas presents as he had no money. I am so fed up with this - I understand we were both in shit financial situation in past but now it's different and I resent it as I feel he does nothing but constantly ponce off me even though he earns more. I'm not one to ask for money or count every penny contribution - but I would feel embarrassed if I were him.He pays nothing towards rent, council tax, etc etc.
To be fair, we alternate cooking weeks and on his week he buys groceries and cleaning stuff. I'm sure he feels he contributes fairly. I was also also unemployed for 3 months last year and he paid all bills but by God did he moan about it.
So...about 4 months ago he suddenly said to me he'd pay me £100 a week towards all the bills if I put him on the council tax/electoral roll (he wasnt on them, he was living here 'unofficially'. Great, I thought, at last, he had a fair point not paying much as unofficial. I put him on council tax. I've not had a fucking extra penny off him, just the usual half the electric bills.
He has hobbies that cost money and I don't have any money left after paying the bills. ~He still constantly goes out drinking with mates although each time he doesn't spend a fortune it all adds up. He plays football at £13 a week. He goes to watch his local team - for example today he spent £30 on a coach to an away match plus ticket. If I say anything I'm unreasonable as they aren't exactly huge amounts and everyone should be able to do stuff like this. I agree. But then I can't do fuck-all as I use all my money to pay the bills.
It came to a head for me tonight. I could put up with all of this even though I know I'm a mug. But it's a 'big' birthday for me this year. ~He's been saying for 2 years he will take me away for my birthday. It started off as taking me abroad. then it was the Uk and I didn't mind because I'm the least materialistic person ever.
But it's only a few weeks away and I know damn well nothing has been done or saved by him. I know it. This weekend he went out last night boozing with his mates till nearly 2am. Then he went to football with the coach to away match and ticket. then we went out tonight (fairly cheaply) to see a local band for one of his mates birthdays. Towards the end of the evening he decided he wanted us to go on to the local pub (that stays open till 2amish) and I just had enough and said I wanted to go home and how can he afford it and he'd better have something left for my birthday because he's been promising to take me away for the last two years.
His response: 'Have I?' with a somewhat panicky look on his face.
I know he won't. I knew before tonight he would let me down. He could have saved £5 a week for a few months by cutting down just very very slightly and that would have done it. A night in a travelodge would have made me happt but all he cares about is playing football, watching football, and throwing beers down his fucking selfish throat. Right? And then today he's been talking about spending out to go see a show in the West End that is all what he wants to see, not me. And going on a £500 fishing fucking holiday his friend is arranging (we have never been able to afford a holiday).
I've been avoiding the whole topic of my birthday because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I don't say anything he will let me down and I will be devastated because it's the one fucking thing I've expected him to pay for in years and he promised me. If I do, then I know he'll scrape up enough for a night away but pretend he was going to do it along but I know different and it just isn't the same.
He's a selfish, financially abusive cunt, isnt he. (Let's not even mention stuff like my dad died in september and he sort of acted like nothing major was happening. Let me sit at my Dads bedside by myself and watch him die,when all my siblings had their partners there to support them. And when I got home that night he was drunk and watching rugby on TV when I came in and just said 'you alright' then straight away just turned round to watch the fucking rugby again. I'm not proud of it but I went and kicked him in the shin and told him to turn the TV off. then he got very drunk and passed out snoring on the bed while I was sitting on it crying my eyes out all night on my own about my Dad. And when I told him the next morning he'd been a prick he went out in a huff for over an hour and told me he didn't know if he'd even come back. I'm ashamed to say I begged him to, and cryed over him and told him I needed him. Why should i even have to say that? He was sorry and he did then step up and give me the support I needed, but too littel too fucking late frankly, and his sorry excuse was that 'he's no good with emotions'. Even at the time I thought 'fuck you, this isn't about you' but I took what I could get.
I've made him sound like a shit. I don't think (I hope?) he doesn't do it deliberatly. He just sees the world in a selfish way. I'm so upset as this could be the best thing ever for both of us - I can't say how well we match up otherwise and we can make each other so happy and he really does have loads of good qualities as well - but he has a blind spot about how selfish he can be. Yes, he should be able to go to football and drinking with his mates. I don't have a problem with that. But it's at my fucking expense all the time. I have zero money to do anything at all for myself. I've spent every penny of my saving just keeping a roof over our heads. He just can't see it.
I feel so let down over my birthday but then I also feel it sounds like I'm spoiled brat having a hissy fit over not beingg treated for my birthday.
I don't know what my question is. I don't want us to split up. I'm not materialistic but I do have a lot of resentment that is changing how I look at him Talking about it makes no difference. He makes the right noises, agrees with me, but does nothing different. Oh jeez, I have to tell him to go, don't I. That'll break my heart.
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Relationships
He's a semi-cocklodger, isn't he? really long. sorry.
hereiamagain22 · 24/01/2016 02:00
I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him. Work out exactly what you pay for bills each month and sit down with him and get him to set up a standing order online immediately for half. Tell him its that or he has to leave.
You have my sympathy, I've been in the same situation with him treating himself to new things and me being penniless after paying all the bills. It's a horrible feeling that someone you love would take advantage of you like that. 
Can he not buy a cheap car? 
I think he's completely and utterly taking the piss OP. These things creep up on you if you're a nice, naturally generous person. Bastard saw you coming.
Have I got this right? This is complete lunacy, my jaw is actually open. You pay ALL of everything INCLUDING the insurance on a car that only he uses? And which doesn't even belong to him?
OP You can't live like this, you just can't. And I agree with a pp vis 'it's not a relationship, as in relationships you do things together'. As for his behaviour when your Dad died, that is just despicable
Once every 3 months he pays 50% of the (jointly used) electricity bill and he earns £1.7k pm? WTAF is he spending it all on? And how did you come to be living together when it sounds like there was no 'moving in together' IYKWIM, IE when you work out joint budget etc.
I don't know what else to say other than you need to wake up and smell the Americano as this twunt is seriously taking you for a ride
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