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He's a semi-cocklodger, isn't he? really long. sorry.

(99 Posts)
hereiamagain22 Sun 24-Jan-16 02:00:08

Sitting here crying because I love him but I've had enough (and also I'm drunk).

I don't know where to start.

Got together 3 years ago. He had problems/baggage; so did I after one fucking awful break up from e.a ex.

He was great mostly but a very nasty drunk a lot (emotional abuse). Came to a peak last new year and I was going to dump him but we talked and he sorted himself out -mostly. Was still a cunt a handful of times in 2015, drink-related.

When things are good they are great. He suits me and accepts me and I love him and I do not doubt he loves me a lot. I just love the little coupley stuff we do all the time and how comfortable I am being myself 100% with him. But...

he's selfish in some ways. But so am I, so AIBU or what? I'm so confused. I love him but I also resent him.

On the good side - we are a great couple, in love, lots in common, I feel a real connection and we just seem to 'fit' in a way I haven't felt with anyone else. In many ways he is perfect. The cocklodger tag isnt right because he does loads of housework etc (more than me) so not a typical cocklodger. but... I think I'm being taken for a mug sometimes.

Financially - we live together. I earn 21k and he earns 26K. We rent and that and all bills are in my name because he had shit credit record. We were both financially up shit creek when we met but both now got new jobs. I still pay all the bills, all of them, apart from he will give me 50% of electric bill every quarter (all electric flat) and he usually covers car costs. We share car - it belongs to me but he uses it to commute to work as not possible by public transport. This has been the case since about a month after we met and his car died and I could then walk to work. My new job, I get bus one way and he gives me a lift the other. However, the tax was due after Xmas and he had no money so I paid it. I also bought his parents Christmas presents as he had no money. I am so fed up with this - I understand we were both in shit financial situation in past but now it's different and I resent it as I feel he does nothing but constantly ponce off me even though he earns more. I'm not one to ask for money or count every penny contribution - but I would feel embarrassed if I were him.He pays nothing towards rent, council tax, etc etc.

To be fair, we alternate cooking weeks and on his week he buys groceries and cleaning stuff. I'm sure he feels he contributes fairly. I was also also unemployed for 3 months last year and he paid all bills but by God did he moan about it.

So...about 4 months ago he suddenly said to me he'd pay me £100 a week towards all the bills if I put him on the council tax/electoral roll (he wasnt on them, he was living here 'unofficially'. Great, I thought, at last, he had a fair point not paying much as unofficial. I put him on council tax. I've not had a fucking extra penny off him, just the usual half the electric bills.

He has hobbies that cost money and I don't have any money left after paying the bills. ~He still constantly goes out drinking with mates although each time he doesn't spend a fortune it all adds up. He plays football at £13 a week. He goes to watch his local team - for example today he spent £30 on a coach to an away match plus ticket. If I say anything I'm unreasonable as they aren't exactly huge amounts and everyone should be able to do stuff like this. I agree. But then I can't do fuck-all as I use all my money to pay the bills.

It came to a head for me tonight. I could put up with all of this even though I know I'm a mug. But it's a 'big' birthday for me this year. ~He's been saying for 2 years he will take me away for my birthday. It started off as taking me abroad. then it was the Uk and I didn't mind because I'm the least materialistic person ever.

But it's only a few weeks away and I know damn well nothing has been done or saved by him. I know it. This weekend he went out last night boozing with his mates till nearly 2am. Then he went to football with the coach to away match and ticket. then we went out tonight (fairly cheaply) to see a local band for one of his mates birthdays. Towards the end of the evening he decided he wanted us to go on to the local pub (that stays open till 2amish) and I just had enough and said I wanted to go home and how can he afford it and he'd better have something left for my birthday because he's been promising to take me away for the last two years.

His response: 'Have I?' with a somewhat panicky look on his face.

I know he won't. I knew before tonight he would let me down. He could have saved £5 a week for a few months by cutting down just very very slightly and that would have done it. A night in a travelodge would have made me happt but all he cares about is playing football, watching football, and throwing beers down his fucking selfish throat. Right? And then today he's been talking about spending out to go see a show in the West End that is all what he wants to see, not me. And going on a £500 fishing fucking holiday his friend is arranging (we have never been able to afford a holiday).

I've been avoiding the whole topic of my birthday because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I don't say anything he will let me down and I will be devastated because it's the one fucking thing I've expected him to pay for in years and he promised me. If I do, then I know he'll scrape up enough for a night away but pretend he was going to do it along but I know different and it just isn't the same.

He's a selfish, financially abusive cunt, isnt he. (Let's not even mention stuff like my dad died in september and he sort of acted like nothing major was happening. Let me sit at my Dads bedside by myself and watch him die,when all my siblings had their partners there to support them. And when I got home that night he was drunk and watching rugby on TV when I came in and just said 'you alright' then straight away just turned round to watch the fucking rugby again. I'm not proud of it but I went and kicked him in the shin and told him to turn the TV off. then he got very drunk and passed out snoring on the bed while I was sitting on it crying my eyes out all night on my own about my Dad. And when I told him the next morning he'd been a prick he went out in a huff for over an hour and told me he didn't know if he'd even come back. I'm ashamed to say I begged him to, and cryed over him and told him I needed him. Why should i even have to say that? He was sorry and he did then step up and give me the support I needed, but too littel too fucking late frankly, and his sorry excuse was that 'he's no good with emotions'. Even at the time I thought 'fuck you, this isn't about you' but I took what I could get.

I've made him sound like a shit. I don't think (I hope?) he doesn't do it deliberatly. He just sees the world in a selfish way. I'm so upset as this could be the best thing ever for both of us - I can't say how well we match up otherwise and we can make each other so happy and he really does have loads of good qualities as well - but he has a blind spot about how selfish he can be. Yes, he should be able to go to football and drinking with his mates. I don't have a problem with that. But it's at my fucking expense all the time. I have zero money to do anything at all for myself. I've spent every penny of my saving just keeping a roof over our heads. He just can't see it.

I feel so let down over my birthday but then I also feel it sounds like I'm spoiled brat having a hissy fit over not beingg treated for my birthday.

I don't know what my question is. I don't want us to split up. I'm not materialistic but I do have a lot of resentment that is changing how I look at him Talking about it makes no difference. He makes the right noises, agrees with me, but does nothing different. Oh jeez, I have to tell him to go, don't I. That'll break my heart.

hereiamagain22 Sun 24-Jan-16 02:08:27

I feel really angry with im too. The stupid selfish little fucker has destroyed what could have been the best thing ever in both our lives. All because beer and football are the most important things in the whole world to him. He says they aren't but his actions have proved it over and over and over and over again. I love him but I also hate him right now.

My friend offered to throw me a birthday party but I said no because I hoped he was arranging something. I like to think the best of everyone. Stupid, stupid me. Now I'll have nothing.

Kuriusoranj Sun 24-Jan-16 02:11:31

I'm sorry my love, but it doesn't sound like you're getting anything at all out of this 'relationship'. I'm not sure whether he's financially abusive or just an inconsiderate sponger. The fact is though - you have one life and it is short and you shouldn't waste another precious moment of it on someone who sees no reason to make you happy. You're not being spoiled, you want consideration. Find someone who'll give it you whole-heartedly.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Sun 24-Jan-16 02:14:36

Ok, let's break this down
- He does his fair share of housework in his own home
- He pays for nothing except half the electric
- He uses your car and doesn't pay to tax it - please tell me he puts fuel in and deals with any maintenance it needs?
- He isn't going to do anything for your birthday
- He is a horrible drunk yet continues to drink
- At your lowest point, he was too selfish to think about the support you needed
- Because of him you have no savings

OP you should be furious. Absolutely full of rage! Firstly, he either pays for half the bills or he moves out. And take your car back. Do not get stuck into a discussion about that - this is what needs to happen. Just make sure you have a plan so if he doesn't pay, you can either manage without him ha or move
If he's still around after that, tell him that you expect to be put first. You deserve that much - you are more important than drink. You won't tolerate him being horrible anymore - tell him, and mean it.
This is me being nice - if it were me, I'd LTB, firstly for not paying his way but without question because of how he reacted to you losing your dad, but I can appreciate that you love this man.

Peevedquitter Sun 24-Jan-16 02:15:25

He is a humongous arsehole, better alone than with a man who sponges off of you and who drinks too much.

Oysterbabe Sun 24-Jan-16 02:18:01

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him. Work out exactly what you pay for bills each month and sit down with him and get him to set up a standing order online immediately for half. Tell him its that or he has to leave.
You have my sympathy, I've been in the same situation with him treating himself to new things and me being penniless after paying all the bills. It's a horrible feeling that someone you love would take advantage of you like that. flowers

LeaLeander Sun 24-Jan-16 02:22:01

He's an alcoholic, mooching, uncaring selfish shit who is using you to live off and could give a shit about your dad's death, your birthday or anything that doesn't gratify his selfish juvenile wants.

Wtf? I'm sorry but you woukd be better off choosing a bum from the street to live with. Get rid before more of your life is wasted!!

hereiamagain22 Sun 24-Jan-16 02:27:34

Thank you. And especially thank you all for not just jumping in with an automatic LTB because I don't think he's a bad person, just a thoughtless one. I've been with a couple of proper bastards in the past and I'm savvy enough to know the difference. I know I've been foolish in letting him take the piss like this and not tackling it properly with him; I hate confrontation. But yes, I do feel he's taken advantage of this.

I know I need to talk to him. If I said to him, pay me the money, X amount each week, he would. I just resent even having to explicitly say that. Surely it's obvious.

I can't take the car off him as he needs it for work and there isn't a public transport alternative. He'd have to give up his job. He is applying for other jobs more convenient, and he does always work - and hard work - so again not a typical cocklodger.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Sun 24-Jan-16 02:36:55

At £26k pa he takes home £1730.60 pm
At 21k pa you take home £1447.27 pm

Yet all he pays is the electric bill!!!!! No "Semi Cocklodger" about it he IS a FULL ON COCKLODGER as far as I'm concerned.

He's using you and abusing you. You need to LTB!

LeaLeander Sun 24-Jan-16 02:37:20

If you have to ask, beg, demand, exhort him to treat you kindly and fairly -then why on earth do you wAnt to be with him? Do you reLize there are many men who do that because they care about their partners, not because they are nagged into behaving like a halfway decent human being?
Stop making excuses for him.

hereiamagain22 Sun 24-Jan-16 02:38:34

He does normally pay the car bills. I pay the insurance each month but he pays everything else. Just he was 'skint' this month. Like I'm fucking not.

He also always pays when we go out. I used to believe in 50/50 for this, but then it dawned on me that this is the only type of regular contribution he will make so I might as well get something.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Sun 24-Jan-16 02:39:19

If I said to him, pay me the money, X amount each week, he would

So...about 4 months ago he suddenly said to me he'd pay me £100 a week towards all the bills if I put him on the council tax/electoral roll (he wasnt on them, he was living here 'unofficially'. Great, I thought, at last, he had a fair point not paying much as unofficial. I put him on council tax. I've not had a fucking extra penny off him, just the usual half the electric bills.

No he won't. Or he will just to pacify you, then revert back to cocklodgering!

tallwivglasses Sun 24-Jan-16 02:41:33

Can he not buy a cheap car? confused

I think he's completely and utterly taking the piss OP. These things creep up on you if you're a nice, naturally generous person. Bastard saw you coming.

hereiamagain22 Sun 24-Jan-16 02:44:52

oh bollocks. This isn't a straightforward cocklodger, but this isn't normal/ok either. I'm so torn.

I just feel like I've reached the end of my tether tonight. I think the realisation that there will be zero happening on my birthday and he will really genuinely believe he couldn't afford anything and it isn't his fault, plus 2 mentions of the show he wants to see, plus another mention of the holiday with his mates, plus what he spent going to football, plus wanting to carry on going out drinking after we'd all finished with his mates birthday (even though he didn't when I said no) is just the final straw.

hereiamagain22 Sun 24-Jan-16 02:48:07

He seems to think saying he'll do something, and probably meaning it and intending to at the time he says it, is just as good as actually doing it. But it's not.

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit Sun 24-Jan-16 02:48:23

He has no respect for you. None.

He knows you are spending all your money on keeping him but he doesn't care. It's meaningless to him because your feelings don't matter to him, not really.

What crap about not doing emotions. He doesn't care enough to deal with your emotions more like.

Please leave this arsehole amd start living your life. Is the big birthday your 30th?

hereiamagain22 Sun 24-Jan-16 02:57:14

No, my 50th. I'm too old for this shit, I know, before you all say it.

LadyStoicIsBack Sun 24-Jan-16 03:01:45

Have I got this right? This is complete lunacy, my jaw is actually open. You pay ALL of everything INCLUDING the insurance on a car that only he uses? And which doesn't even belong to him?

OP You can't live like this, you just can't. And I agree with a pp vis 'it's not a relationship, as in relationships you do things together'. As for his behaviour when your Dad died, that is just despicableangry

Once every 3 months he pays 50% of the (jointly used) electricity bill and he earns £1.7k pm? WTAF is he spending it all on? And how did you come to be living together when it sounds like there was no 'moving in together' IYKWIM, IE when you work out joint budget etc.

I don't know what else to say other than you need to wake up and smell the Americano as this twunt is seriously taking you for a ridesad

JohnThomas69 Sun 24-Jan-16 03:30:36

You're sharing your house with a parasite. That's the truth and he is more than aware of the fact. Ignorance is no defence for something so blatantly obvious. Btw the world is full of them but most don't get away with it for long.

Joysmum Sun 24-Jan-16 08:16:39

I've made him sound like a shit. I don't think (I hope?) he doesn't do it deliberatly. He just sees the world in a selfish way

of course he does it deliberately.

He deliberately asked you to make it official to put him on the council tax. If you were the only adult on it before you lost your discount so you're even worse off.

Time to call time on the freeloading. Add everything up bills wise so he knows what half is. Detail all the previous bailouts and lack of emotional support.

Lay it on the line, equal partners or not at all. If you're doing this though YOU need to be firm in very clear boundaries otherwise if he accepts your terms, he'll soon start testing them or falling short and you'll just see and be grateful for small changes that mean not a lot!

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Sun 24-Jan-16 08:19:59

You might be breaking the law with the insurance if he drives it every day but you're still shown as the main driver. It's called 'fronting'. Just another awkward position he's putting you in...

BombadierFritz Sun 24-Jan-16 08:26:55

Finances are the easy part - set up a standing order so you dont have to ask/he cant 'forget'
Include all the car bills eg insurance (with him as main driver)
Really though - come on - you are 50 you know about the world. He is a selfish user

GreenRug Sun 24-Jan-16 08:28:13

You don't say where you live, but a joint income of £47k isn't dreadful by any stretch of the imagination, so you should be able to live reasonably comfortably, but you're not, seemingly because of him.

The other thing is that most awful relationships still have some good times, those good times are not a reason to stay when they are being far outweighed by the bad ones. He's not for you Op, he really isn't.

schlong Sun 24-Jan-16 08:39:38

50? Oh. My. Word. Is he your wayward toyboy you indulge and excuse bcoz so much younger than you and great in the sack? Even so: get rid. If you come back and say he's of a similar age then I'm completely wtf.

queenofthepirates Sun 24-Jan-16 08:40:43

I'd keep him but he needs knocking into shape. I would start off by booking your own holiday away and accepting the friend's offer of a party. Or throw yourself a party.

And then sit down with a budget and get some standing orders. If he twunts around and gets shirty, it's time he left. He'll probably be back when he's had some time to think about it.

And he does need to get in touch with emotions. The way he behaved over your Dad's death was not okay. Tell him what you needed, nay demand. He should have stopped drinking, put his arm round you and let you sob.

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