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Is there anyone about to hand hold?

(120 Posts)
SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 00:53:36

I tried to name change but I can't remember my password, so am posting as "me" for all to see.

Lately H has become very secretive with regards to his phone, he's been taking it everywhere with him - loo, gym (when he used to leave it on the kitchen table) etc. etc. I was suspicious but, having been together 20 years, trusted him & thought it was just a fad. He also put a password on it & wouldn't tell me it incase (he said) I told 14 year old DS2 what it was and DS2 "messed with his settings".

Well, tonight H fell asleep with his phone on his lap. For some reason (fate?) it didn't go on to the lock screen. I noticed a Whatsapp conversation was open and read it. Messages from a work colleague - "I want you", "we will be together and it'll be amazing" were some of the gems from H. Her messages are in a similar vein.

I then checked his e-mail, which is something I've never done. Photos of her tits. Nice. Look fake TBH.

Stupidly I woke him & he snatched the phone back off me and deleted everything, so I don't have a contact number for her. She knows he is a married man with three DCs - the youngest is only 4.

He's been drinking so can't drive anywhere tonight & we live in a village with no public transport at this time of night. He has agreed he will leave tomorrow.

I've been with him since I was 20. I don't know how to live without him. I've always trusted him.

I don't know what I want anyone to say, but I just wanted to tell someone. There is no-one in RL. My mum died 3.5 years ago, she'd have known what to do.

Griphook Sun 24-Jan-16 00:58:36

That's really awful, you need to protect your self, and be kind to yourself, do what suits you.

I would ask for no contact for
2 weeks to give yourself a little breathing space.
Transfer any money from the joint account to your own account.

Destinysdaughter Sun 24-Jan-16 00:59:11

Oh love, that's so awful for you. I can only imagine how shocked and devastated you must be feeling. There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel any better other than you're not alone. There's lots of very wise, caring women on here who will be able to offer you support and guidance. I hope you do manage to get some sleep tonight. Hugs and flowers to you.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 01:05:06

Thank you for replying.

The only money we have at the moment is in my bank account already - his salary, which would normally pay all of the major bills such as rent, gas, electricity, car finance, insurances etc. is due on Thursday 28th. I don't suppose he'll pay any of that now.

I am paid on Friday, but am only on SSP due to a back injury from a serious car crash last year. So that's peanuts, won't go close to covering the rent even.

What do I tell my little girl? My boys are 18 & 14, so old enough for the unbiased truth. I won't bad mouth their father to them, but I think they deserve to know why their family's been torn apart.

Thanks for being here. I can't even think straight at the moment.

Ohfourfoxache Sun 24-Jan-16 01:06:19

Oh Jesus, Santa sad

DragonMamma Sun 24-Jan-16 01:07:52

You must be gutted OP.

What a stupid wanker he is. I would steel yourself for the inevitable minimising and whatnot that's to come.

Try and get some sleep, if you can x

timelytess Sun 24-Jan-16 01:10:47

Offering a hand to hold and sending lots of virtual hugs of the kind your mum would send you if she could.

My then-husband and me split up when dd was four. I told her 'Daddy has a girlfriend and that's not allowed when you're married, so we can't be married any more'. Or I might have said 'so he can't live with us any more'. Keep it simple.

Ohfourfoxache Sun 24-Jan-16 01:11:15

Can you take copies of/get originals of important documents together?

Bank statements
Utility bills
Birth/marriage certificates
Any details relating to stocks/shares you might have
Mortgage details
Pay slips

Put them all together and keep them hidden in a safe place.

Google local solicitors. Some may or may not offer free 30 minute consultations. I've heard that advice lots on here but it might be bullshit - hopefully someone will be along to advise.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 01:13:12

The minimising started immediately with "nothing's happened".

I shot that down pretty quickly. He has always been one to blame others for his own mistakes.

I will try to sleep, but am too on edge just now.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 01:15:12

Thank you*Ohfour*.

I have always been the one to look after the paperwork & the bulk of the finances, so should be able to produce whatever's needed. Hopefully.

1DAD2KIDS Sun 24-Jan-16 01:33:33

Your doing the right thing by talking to people and getting of your chest. When this sort of thing happened to me it was devastating. I found its helped me loads to find a safe place where I could rant and cry and just pour out all the fucked up things in my head. I found although it doesn't change the situation it takes some of the weight off your shoulders emotionaly. Even if it's just on here you are amongst friends.

Also I know it's easier said than done when riding an emotional rollacoaster but try to make your actions based on logic not emotions.

Be kind to your self, take it one steep at time and don't bottle things inside.

Take care

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 24-Jan-16 01:34:14

Oh god how awful. I'm so sorry for you Santa.

Typical response from him, believing that if he deletes it all he can pretend it didn't happen. As awful as it must have been to see that, at least now he can't minimise it (or more accurately, he will try and you will KNOW it is bullshit). You don't need that evidence any more, despite what he tries to tell you may or may not have happened.

Your poor DCs having to know, and at such an impressionable age, that their dad is a cheat and a liar. I think to be honest, it might be best to say as little about it as you can for now, especially to your little one. Bad enough that they have to deal with the split, but to also have those torn loyalties and negative feelings for their dad could make this even harder for them.

Could you say he's gone away for work or something, give you some space to get your head around it and then talk to them in a week or two once the dust has settled a bit?

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 24-Jan-16 01:37:13

And you will make things work financially, especially as you have always been responsible for running the household etc.

I have 3 DCs and had never had any control over money/house stuff while I was married. Turns out once XH left that I am better off financially and emotionally (lovely new dp of 3 years) so there will be happy times to come for you too, much as it might not feel like it at the moment.

Try to take it one small bite at a time and it will really help you to confide in someone in rl if you can. I don't have any parents either, but friends will really step up for you in a situation like this. flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 24-Jan-16 01:39:47

Ohfourfoxache, I've seen that trotted out about solicitors and their free half hours. When I tried I couldn't find one who offered it, but even so, the investment of a few hundred quid (stick it on a 0% card) could easily save you that much and more when it comes to settlements.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 01:45:30

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all of your time and comments.

My head feels like mush, I start to think about one thing and then switch to another straightaway. I have text my best friend, asking her to contact me in the morning.

I know there is no going back from this and that's scary.

PitilessYank Sun 24-Jan-16 01:46:51

Sorry that this has happened, tell your best friend everything you told us-don't be embarrassed. thanks

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 01:48:36

I've always said that should anything happen to my marriage I'd never marry or live with a man again MarkRuffalo. If this one can cheat, I feel like they all can. I know that's probably not true but it's how I feel just now.

I guess I'm destined to be an old crazy cat lady.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 01:52:20

My best friend is the one person I can tell anything to, thankfully. We've been friends since pre-school playgroup. I know everything about her life & she knows everything there is to know about mine.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 24-Jan-16 01:53:31

Doesn't have to be a man Santa, just whatever it is that will make your life feel happy and fulfilled. I honestly thought my life was over when my marriage ended, but it had just really taken off!

I don't want to sound blasé about it, just to reassure you that this isn't the end of the world, even though it may feel like it. This time next year you won't recognise yourself because this shit makes you stronger.

ladybird69 Sun 24-Jan-16 01:53:51

get yourself an über shit hot lawyer. involve your kids, friends and family not good I know but I hid my kids against what was happening to protect them and ex used it against me, even though the judge told my mad ex don't involve the children at every single hearing!!!! he did again and again and I ended up as the crazy parent to be wary of!!!!
oh and btw my ex of nearly 30 yrs spent the last 3 yrs of our marriage 'trying' to fix things and on the flip side hiding all of the funds from our joint business into hidden funds. so he was just playing me.
get tough and look after yourself I ended up alone and penniless!!!!!!!!

PitilessYank Sun 24-Jan-16 01:56:57

Santa-I have a BF like that-isn't it a wonderful thing to have?

Ohfourfoxache Sun 24-Jan-16 01:57:18

No, you're not Santa. You're destined to be happy. I promise.

Of course your head feels like mush - you're in shock. But it will pass. Tonight is the hardest possible bit. Take one baby step at a time (and even then, only if you feel like it).

Mark that's really disappointing about the free half hour - should have known it was too good to be true sad So sorry you went through what you did.

Santa please do consider Mark's advice of investing in some solicitor time xx

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 01:57:24

Thanks ladybird. I can be tough when I need to be but don't particularly feel it just now. I guess it'll come back.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 24-Jan-16 02:01:12

Yes, I will have to see a solicitor won't I?

Due to having been on SSP for about 5 months, I'm pretty low on funds. I have a little savings but I'm not sure how long we'll have to live on that for now, whilst I get sorted out financially.

I know my brother would help me with money if I needed it, but I don't want to go to him cap in hand as the helpless little sister. My siblings have only recently stopped treating me like a child as it is.

Funinthesun15 Sun 24-Jan-16 02:06:54

Transfer any money from the joint account to your own account.

Don't do that. You can get into all sorts of bother. What you should do is contact the bank and get it frozen or agree a set amount to take out.

flowers for you.

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