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stbex,telling me im doing the right thing (passive/lazy/unmovtiated) feel like a frog thats been slowly boilied

(11 Posts)
insight2 Sat 23-Jan-16 23:32:36

I don't really know where to start, it feels that this may be long and rambling.
I can barely cope with the current living situation any longer, we are separated (recently) at his instigation (sighting lack of sex, affection on my part)

but we are still living in the same house.

Iv'e had a lot of time to think, the more I think about things the more I realised that the reason for lack of sex was because I was married to a fucking manchild, I mean WhyTAF would I want to have sex with someone that leave his washing all over the floor, or (if i'm lucky on TOP of the laundry basket) who cant even put a ready meal packet in the recycling box (which is 2 inches from where he left it) let alone any other household cleaning like hovering, or walks mud over the carpets and leaves its. leaves wrappers on the sofa or floor, beer cans on the table..

Every bit of decorating, bill paying, shopping, arrangement, drop off/pick up of children, Christmas, birthday card is done by me, every pint of milk purchased.... i could go on.

so gradually I believe unconsciously I withdrew from the relationship. walking on eggs shells in case I pissed him off, or saying the wrong thing and being sulked at for days, being ignored and never being told they are sorry.

I feel that I have been in a spin dryer, not knowing which course or decision to take as if it goes wrong as it inevitably does then it all my fault. an example of this was the washing machine broke, so we decided to get a new one, he would not help look, told me to narrow it down to 2, still refused to look, wouldn't even turn his head, so I brought the one I though was right, but no it doesn't have the right cycles and every time he uses I reminded of how shit my choice was, while being told i'm over sensitive and take everything the wrong way.

so if anyone is still with me, how do I keep on this part of separation and not beg him to get back with me. I fee horrendously lonely and scared

insight2 Sat 23-Jan-16 23:33:39

title should read tell me not telling

KeepTheFaithNow Sat 23-Jan-16 23:37:00

I struggle to see your dilemma.

Marchate Sat 23-Jan-16 23:37:38

Find a little notebook. Write down all the lazy, irritating things as you remember them. Read it each time you are wavering

Thrifties44 Sat 23-Jan-16 23:42:21

I wrote things in an unused diary one year, not everything but major issues. It reminds me how unavailable he is and what a dire marriage I have. I just needs the balls to end it properly.
Nothing will ever change if it was going to then it would have happened a long time ago. Just focus on what you want life to be like and how that will feels maybe what you will buy that expresses freedo, even s lamp or new towels. Good luck

PurpleWithRed Sat 23-Jan-16 23:45:02

Why on Earth would you struggle for one minute over leaving him? He's awful and you clearly can't stand him.

insight2 Sat 23-Jan-16 23:49:55

Thankyou for your replies,

Why on Earth would you struggle for one minute over leaving him? He's awful and you clearly can't stand him

because it wasn't always like this, we used to have an equal relationship, we used to enjoy each others company and I did love him very much. so its hard to not try to think about how I could get that back.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 24-Jan-16 00:04:24

You can't get it back because you didn't lose it. You're still the same person you were, loving him the same, behaving the same - but he's changed (or revealed himself) as a picky, headfucking, unpleasant, cantankerous arse. Doesn't sound like you have a snowball's chance in hell of getting him to see it from your point of view, though, so it!s time to look after yourself.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 24-Jan-16 01:41:44

Just remember your own two words; used to. Used to, but not now. And the reality is NOW, not then.

Any time you think of a nice 'used to', stop. And think of at least two 'nows'. I'll bet it won't be hard.

Griphook Sun 24-Jan-16 10:14:18

And I right in thinking that you are both still living together? That must be very hard.
How are things at the moment, are you able to live together without arguing to much?

pocketsaviour Sun 24-Jan-16 10:50:52

because it wasn't always like this, we used to have an equal relationship, we used to enjoy each others company and I did love him very much.

Of course you did - otherwise you wouldn't have married him (?) and had DC, right?

Was it after the DC came along that the cracks began to show? I do think there are a lot of people who simply are not suited to having children, because they are, at heart, not prepared to make the sacrifices that parenthood brings. And unfortunately it's often only after having DC that this becomes apparent sad Men tend to have the easy option though - they just abdicate all responsibility for the kids to the mum, who will then battle through on her own, picking up basically all parenting tasks. Oh, except the fun stuff. He'll join in for that. hmm

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