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How do I leave and make things right?

(10 Posts)
Whymark10 Sat 23-Jan-16 22:34:55

We've been together for 25 years. For the last 10 years we've been sharing a life and a home but there's been no closeness. We've got two kids, both autistic and they need a lot of time and support. My wife hasn't been able to work because she does most of the caring. Our relationship is over. I know that. She doesn't want to be with me anymore and I know that she wants me out of her life. Now the time has come to leave and I just can't see a way of affording another place for me to live too on one salary. We're already in debt. I also know that if I move out, she will need me to come round all the time to help with the kids. I can't even imagine how hard it will be for the kids to understand. We hide from them how distant our relationship has become. They won't have any idea what's coming.

She really wants to finish her academic studies and deserves that so much because having kids with a disability has stopped her from doing that for so long. Maybe I just need to do it, move out, and accept it will be painful. I love her so much and she once said that if I love her, I would let her be free. Maybe I should just try and be the best parent and ex that I can. For years I've always clung to the hope we could be close again one day, but I think that for the first time I am starting to let in the truth that it really is over. I know I am responsible for what's happened. When I leave, I've promised myself that I will do everything I can to be kind and respectful to my wife and do whatever she needs from me to support our kids. I'm struggling so much to take that final step and leave. I want to say to any man who is lucky enough to be in a loving relationship to never be unfaithful. I did it once 17 years ago and I've learned that the pain and distrust that I caused never goes away and never heals.

My Dad was emotionally abusive. My wife told me that when she sees me, she sees my Dad. His Dad was like that too and I really thought that I would be the generation who broke that cycle. I'm ashamed to admit that I've been emotionally abusive too and I destroyed the love she once had for me. I should have stayed on my own and not tried to have a relationship and kids. Knowing that if I leave, my kids will be protected from any chance of the same behaviour passing on to them can maybe give me the push I need to do the right thing. I trust her totally to be a wonderful parent to both of them and in my heart I know their lives will be better without me staying.

janethegirl2 Sat 23-Jan-16 22:37:01

Total cop out IMO

AcrossthePond55 Sat 23-Jan-16 22:52:40

So, you're asking MN's permission to walk away from your children's lives because you 'fear' you might damage them? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Get your sorry arse to a counselor and start working on changing yourself if you think you need to change. Don't use your upbringing as an excuse to shirk your responsibilities. People have overcome much worse upbringings than yours and have gone on to be good parents and to raise responsible children.

Quit feeling so fucking sorry for yourself and quit being a martyr. You're an adult. Grow up.

Whymark10 Sat 23-Jan-16 22:57:05

OK, maybe I needed to hear that. Thanks

smallfry16 Sat 23-Jan-16 23:55:42

Not taking responsibility for yourself. Must be someone else's fault then. Walk away knowing you were a shit. Oh dear. She will look after the kids. Why can't she sweep you being abusive under the carpet? She should after all because you want her to. No respect.

smallfry16 Sat 23-Jan-16 23:56:56

Man up and try being a reflective full human being. too much to ask?

smallfry16 Sat 23-Jan-16 23:59:42

Obviously you want to leave as staying is too much responsibility. How old are you? Seven?

JarethTheGoblinKing Sun 24-Jan-16 00:04:42

Wow, you lot are on form tonight.

Bellyrub1980 Sun 24-Jan-16 00:07:05

I would say, given the upheaval and trauma your leaving would bring to your family, it's probably worth a stab at trying to improve your relationship (with counselling perhaps?) before simply throwing in the towel.

Her life sounds pretty difficult if I'm honest. Maybe she's become withdrawn because she's tired, stressed, worried, anxious, depressed etc etc etc.

Be kind to her.

bb888 Sun 24-Jan-16 07:28:48

Has she said though that she wants out of the relationship? If thats what she wants then I don't think its a cop out to go, especially if you are being emotionally abusive and the relationship is over.
I think that being respectful to your wife's wishes is really important here.

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