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Need a rant/reassurance everything is Normal(4 Posts)
Bit of background. Split up with OH about a month ago. Been together nearly 8 years. Living together for 3. I had doubts before we moved in as he is a bit of a 'man child' so to speak and I tended to 'look after him'
Anyway past year I've been doubting. I found out he was looking into moving abroad. Blamed me for looking at his phone (I know! Can't even remember why I did now)
Generally wasn't being very supportive or there for me. Hence lots of of tears and me seeking reassurance. Let me down a lot of times. Everytime I got upset he would just sit there and say nothing. I admit I sometimes said nasty things just to get a response. One time got drunk and said some really awful things to me and really malicious.
Anyway so a month ago he texts me and says he doesn't love me and is moving out. I see him 2 days later. I lose control and act like a complete idiot. Shouting, smashing things, banged my head I was so hurt. Stupid thing is the day he sent the message I was in the shower thinking this really isn't working and he keeps saying he wants it to work, yet not actually doing anything. So why I reacted so badly I don't know. Anyway he is his usual cold and distant self and wouldn't answer anything. Just had the same preset answers.
After a couple of days I felt brave enough to tell friends and family in real life. Overwhelming support and I am now out the property and in my own place. Really enjoy my own space and really positive. Relived at times even that I'm not with someone who makes me feel bad about myself.
So why do I miss him? I forgot to mention he had a friend and he admitted he did want something with her at the time as he liked the attention she gave him. I've asked more about it, but has gone silent. Denies anything happened, but the fact he wanted to is enough. He is now ignoring me completely. I've again gone a bit mad and text him asking to please give me some answers so I can pick myself up off the floor again and move on. So now I again look like the 'crazy' one harassing him.
Thing is he has always been shut down - always an excuse - his past, work stress, medications, drinking etc etc. If I ever had an opinion (and I do have them and not afraid to say it!) I was told I was ridiculous. His friends don't like me as I moved away from their lifestyle (but never stopped him seeing them) even though I disagreed.
I guess I just want him to turn around and say 'sorry I've been an emotionally abusive twat' and to just answer why he was so horrible to me, ignores me etc etc. Thing is I know he won't because a) he doesn't want to admit all the above or b) he genuinely thinks he has done nothing wrong.
The worst thing is he has always been quiet and a crowd pleaser, whereas I am not. So he will spin it out that I'm the 'mad' one and get people feeling sorry for him.
I know I need to accept I won't ever get the answers to what I want or the admission of behaviours. I know I need to stop all contact now. But he was being so nice to me I felt like I could broach the subject. Although he never answered or accepted responsibility when we are together so I don't know why I expect it now? And why do I miss him even when I know deep down us splitting is the right thing!
Tell me it will all get better :-)
It WILL get better
This IS normal
Even when you know a relationship is wrong, there is a grieving process when it ends. It's not so much missing the other person, I think, but mourning the hopes that you had for the relationship.
It's a tough time but it will get better. Can you do something nice for yourself this weekend? Something you've maybe wanted to do for ages but didn't because he wouldn't like/enjoy it?
Well I've been really ill in bed the last few days...so have had lots of time to think. I'm going back to work tomorrow so once I'm back in a routine I'm sure I will be ok! I was just doing so well and now I feel like I'm back to square one.
Maybe I need to accept I will have days like this, let my feelings out (but not to him) and then carry on!
I think part of the issue of why we are no longer together because we spent so much time apart doing our own thing. I'm just hurt by the way he has handled this growing apart by being horrible instead of just bloody talking and being honest with me first time round!
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