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Would I be unreasonable to ask her to give it back to me?

(13 Posts)
Geekology Sat 23-Jan-16 15:45:38

I'm too scared to post in AIBU.

5 years ago when I divorced my husband (very painfully and it was such a difficult time) I had a ring he'd bought me years before when we were on a rare weekend away without children. Not expensive, just a plain silver ring. I was still wearing it after we split, my wedding ring he'd (for reasons known only to himself) taken with him (I do hope the OW wasn't palmed off with it).

So some months later I was doing an excellent show of "fuck him" and I wasn't wearing the ring and I said DD could wear it, and then she asked for it. I said she could have it - it's one of those which is in two parts and they fit together IYSWIM and i think at the time she found some meaning of her own in wearing it.

So she still wears it, and we've all pretty much moved on. I would quite like to have it again. Why? It's a nice ring, I don't feel it holds the same meaning it once did but it does hold some happier memories and I'm coming to realise that these are an important part of the whole marriage. At Christmas DD took it off and I put it on and she asked me if I want it back. I said no, but I wanted to say yes. I don't want to upset her (and I don't even know if it would upset her, just assuming it might).

Would it be unreasonable to ask DD for the ring? If she said it mattered to her to keep it there would be absolutely no question of my insisting - it has been a long time, I know, and that's why I want to get some thoughts please because i'm not sure. Thank you.

hownottofuckup Sat 23-Jan-16 15:47:14

She's already bought it up so yes, have the conversation.

diddl Sat 23-Jan-16 16:08:25

Half each?

Buttercup27 Sat 23-Jan-16 16:12:36

How old is dd?
Could you borrow it/share it?

OttiliaVonBCup Sat 23-Jan-16 16:18:27

I wouldn't ask her,

In my opinion jewellery carries a lot of emotional baggage.
It's not an essential, not something you need, and so it's more about its meaning than its function.

Joysmum Sat 23-Jan-16 19:06:05

Why would you risk upsetting your daughter by asking to take back a gift given because 'it's a nice ring'.

Gifts are for even unless they a given back by the recipient without coercion.

Joysmum Sat 23-Jan-16 19:06:32

*gifts are for life

Geekology Sat 23-Jan-16 19:18:02

Yes, half each is actually what DD suggested after I'd said no.
She is 21 and sharing would be difficult - we live a fair way from each other now grin

You're right, there is meaning attached to it, for both me and DD - for me it's about acknowledging something good and positive. For DD i think it was about having something of both parents who aren't together any more.

It was originally a 'gift' to me. I absolutely would not coerce my DD into anything hmm

But your replies have been helpful, so thank you.

daisydalrymple Sat 23-Jan-16 19:18:31

Does she know the story surrounding you getting the ring? Depending on her age, you could sit down and have a chat about it, just in a nice reminiscing way. Involve her in the memory, let her feel / remember the warmth and love there once was between mum and dad.

Then you would probably get the vibes at that point as to whether you could say ahh, we did have some lovely times, would it be ok with you once in a while if I wear the ring again, it does make me feel happy thinking back to when your dad bought it for me?

(If she knows the story well, it may well end up being one of those oh no here she goes again with this story grin). My dd is only 6, but I know she'd be delighted to share a ring with me. Can't see a daughter having a problem with mum borrowing a ring to wear- unless you literally want to wear it every day, then you'd really need to feel the vibes first, and a lot would depend on her age, how often she wears it and what you think the ring might symbolise to her.

(Mum & dad divorced when I was little, and money was tight. I remember being devastated when mum sold her rings, as to me they symbolised the love mum & dad had once shared, even though I couldnt really remember seeing much evidence of it as a child).

daisydalrymple Sat 23-Jan-16 19:19:40

Oh sorry, x posted with you! Sharing sounds good then!

pocketsaviour Sat 23-Jan-16 19:20:38

Maybe she suggested half each because she thought it would be a nice way for the two of you to have a special connection - especially if she now lives far away? Just a thought smile

BolshierAryaStark Sat 23-Jan-16 20:17:19

I'd absolutely go with half each, she suggested it & it's a lovely idea.

m0therofdragons Sat 23-Jan-16 22:31:33

I'd let her have it and go and treat myself to a new ring but if you really want it just say. Your dd sounds understanding so just be honest.

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