What can I expect from Counselling.

[janaus]

i have decided I need Counselling, re DH history of cheating, also gambling addictions.

But, now I'm nervous, not sure where I would start.

I have kept a journal. Everything I feel or discovered or suspect written down.
Would I bring this, and ask them to read it.

[Morasssassafras]

I have no idea about the counselling but is it your or dh's gambling addiction?

If it's yours then by all means try some kind of specific addiction counselling but if it is all about dh's problems then I think the question you need to ask the counsellor is why do you feel you don't deserve better than a husband that cheats and gambles?

[goldierocks]

Hello OP.....I've had counseling twice.

Before I went, I thought a counselor would listen and tell me exactly what I should do. A good counselor shouldn't do that. The process should allow you to feel empowered/confident to make decisions for yourself.

The first time I went was to help me come to terms with becoming disabled and living with chronic, life-long medical conditions. My then DH would put me down all the time and seemed to get pleasure from telling me how pathetic and useless I was.
Counseling helped me to think about all the things I could do, rather than the things I couldn't. Seems simple, but before counseling all the 'can't do, because' issues seemed overwhelming.

Second time - my now EXDH had been abusive for years, escalting slowly so I didn't 'see it'. All came to a head one night, he ended up with a suspended sentence and a restraining order.
I'd never told anyone about the things he'd done to me (said no-one would believe me). He was Mr Perfect to everyone else.
I felt like I needed someone to know, but not anyone who knew him. So I wrote everything down and handed them to my counselor.

He read the lot (took a while) then asked me to tell him anyway. That was SO hard. Speaking the words out loud made me feel the pain again. Only then did I get it - I'd kept all my upset and hurt inside. I needed to get all that pain out to let me move forwards.

There are some brilliant counselors and some awful ones. It might take a few tries to get one you are comfortable with.
If you can, try to get a personal recommendation.

Good luck

[janaus]

His cheating, his gambling addiction

[Morasssassafras]

Then why is it you that needs counselling?

[janaus]

I am overwhelmed, Feeling like wondering if my whole married life was a lie. I am checking back on old phone bills, going back 8 years, making random phone calls to numbers,
Hoping it helps explain what I am feeling

[Morasssassafras]

That makes sense. I hope that the counselling will allow you to establish what you feel, and how to move on from here. Take your journal with you and let the counsellor decide. I often find when I finally start talking about something that it all just bursts forth anyway. I wish you luck.

[janaus]

Ok, update. I had my first ever counselling session today. I was very nervous. Didn't know where to start. At first I said, I don't hate H, but I hate what he has done to me, what he has done to us.
Then I showed her my journal. Then the words and tears just came.
It will take time. But one thing she told me, you are not to blame.

She also said that its like what you read in a novel, not what you expect to happen to you.
Well it's a relief to have made a start. Thanks for support.