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Can you confront over something that was years ago?

(30 Posts)
Deirdresmum Fri 22-Jan-16 14:28:33

Looking for advice on this please.

Been with DP since 2009, have found evidence of sexy messages to other women, profiles on dating websites, webcamming etc.

Evidence of this from 2009-2013 so during our relationship but nothing recently.

Of course that's not to say he hasn't done it recently, just that I haven't seen evidence of that.

Or he might have stopped it. I don't know what to do.

Do I need to just put up and shut up now?

Has too much time passed for me to be able to confront him about this now?

Where do I go from here?

TheNaze73 Fri 22-Jan-16 14:32:08

If something is bothering you, you have every right to confront whatever you like. Normally things are better confronted in the moment however, it's still on your mind. What are you looking for from doing it, may I ask?

WickedWax Fri 22-Jan-16 14:33:30

Have you only just discovered evidence, or have you been fully aware of it during and syncs it happened?

WickedWax Fri 22-Jan-16 14:33:38

*since

ImperialBlether Fri 22-Jan-16 15:01:11

It sounds as though he discovered how to do private browsing in 2013, tbh. What's your relationship with him like?

Jibberjabberjooo Fri 22-Jan-16 15:02:48

Of course you can confront.

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is looking to cheat?

Epilepsyhelp Fri 22-Jan-16 15:10:11

Hell no, I would be very angry and confront straight away. Doesn't matter when he did it, it was still an unacceptable betrayal. There's no statute of limitations in relationships!

AnotherEmma Fri 22-Jan-16 15:10:28

Do I need to just put up and shut up now?
No
Has too much time passed for me to be able to confront him about this now?
No
Where do I go from here?
Depends really. He is obviously a serial cheater. So do you want to be in a relationship with a serial cheater? Always worrying if he's lying or hiding something from you? Always worrying he's having sex with other women or looking for women to sleep with? Run the risk of getting an STI because he may have caught one from another woman and given it to you?
It depends whether you love him and hate yourself enough to live with all that.

BlondeOnATreadmill Fri 22-Jan-16 15:19:44

So, he cheated on you for the first 4 years of your relationship, and you are considering sweeping that under the carpet?

Wow.

And I agree with Imperial - he figured out how to go Incognito in 2013.

Can you access his e-mails and his dating profiles? That would show any recent activity. If not, I'd set up a fake profile on one of the sites he is on, and then I'd send him a message chatting him up. Try to trap him.

He'd be out on his ear before teatime, if he was mine.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Fri 22-Jan-16 15:41:24

I'd kick him out. I kicked out for less amd discovered more.

Deirdresmum Fri 22-Jan-16 17:23:59

I think the arrival of whatsapp might have something to do with it.

Maybe since he got that he does his messaging on there rather than Facebook or email and I can't see on there because that's on his phone.

Jux Sat 23-Jan-16 00:04:31

I think you're probably right about whatsapp changing his method. I'm very sorry.

I think all you can do is to confront him, there's no statute of limitations, especially if you've only just found out.

To get through this, he has to be completely open. Ask for his phone, whatever passwords are needed, and any other devices or machines he could have been using.

Then he needs to give you space to process what you've learnt and decide what you want to do about it.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jan-16 00:21:58

Well, now you know what kind of bloke he really is the ball is in your court

HolditFinger Sat 23-Jan-16 00:31:00

He's been doing this a long time. While he's with you.
People don't change that much over time. Unfortunately, the web is full of places to do this - Whatsapp, Skype, even an RPG I've been on for years is full of sad people going into the chat rooms for that purpose.

The question is, bearing in mind there's no real way to keep tabs on what he's doing, are you willing to put up with constantly wondering?

Deirdresmum Mon 25-Jan-16 12:32:03

Confronted after much deliberation.

He said it was a joke - just a way of passing the time. A laugh.

Never would have taken it further and met up with anybody and it was a long time ago.

Doesn't do it now of course. Yeah right you are mate.

I'm devastated and my trust is shattered.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 25-Jan-16 12:39:13

OK, so what now for you?
Do you know what you want?
Do you have kids?
A mortgage together?

Jan45 Mon 25-Jan-16 12:50:10

So he's been taking the piss since the whole of your relationship and you've never taken him to task but you want to now - wow, can't believe you have allowed him to get away with that, and web camming, eugh, disgusting.

I'd guarantee he hasn't stopped OP, you gave him the green light and have done nothing about his past endeavours.

What's to confront, he cheats, lies and tells you it's a laugh - you don't need any proof or denying, you have to decide if you are happy to continue in a relationship where the man is showing you zero commitment.

Jibberjabberjooo Mon 25-Jan-16 13:23:56

Some joke.

AnotherEmma Mon 25-Jan-16 14:16:01

Hilarious.

Wanker.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Jan-16 14:45:49

No trust, no relationship

Deirdresmum Mon 25-Jan-16 16:03:59

You're right. My fault for looking apparently.

2 kids aged 7 and 10.

Don't know what to tell them. Haven't said anything yet.

AnotherEmma Mon 25-Jan-16 16:25:18

Your fault for looking?! Cheeky fucking bastard.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Mon 25-Jan-16 16:33:22

It would be over for me I'm afraid. Sorry your in this position at least now you know you can control where you go from here OP, good Luck x

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Mon 25-Jan-16 16:37:32

Another Emma, yup I thought that too, he is lucky he doesn't live with me, for that comment alone his life would be hell, but I'm a cow if you hurt me.

Jibberjabberjooo Mon 25-Jan-16 17:47:28

You're fault for looking? Are you fucking kidding me? What an absolute wanker.

The joke is him.

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