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WWYD? Sick adult child and parental help

(49 Posts)
Corygal1 Fri 22-Jan-16 12:40:24

I'm asking for as many thoughts as poss, please do let me know what you think if you have time.

Scenario: single woman (no kids) aged 42 has just been diagnosed with emphysema/COPD, which kills you. Turns out the disease was triggered by unsafe, mouldy housing - she's renting in Reading, which is damn near as pricy as London, so difficult to move on one income. Also smokes & giving up.

Parents, 80s, have vast 2 million house by the Thames and cash reserves. Parents' days in large house are numbered as they are getting too frail to stay living there. They refuse to admit this.

They've also refused to help rehouse the sick daughter. What do you think? WWYD?

mouldycheesefan Fri 22-Jan-16 12:42:46

Could daughter move in with parents
Hope daughter manages to give up smoking

deepdarkwood Fri 22-Jan-16 12:45:11

Yes, I'd expect parents to allow daughter to move in for a while (maybe while saving for a deposit?) - on the condition (maybe) that she really gives packing in smoking a good go, as from what I know of the disease, that will also be having a pretty serious impact.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Fri 22-Jan-16 12:45:24

I'm afraid there isn't much you can do.

As sad as it is, her parents have no obligation to house their adult daughter, nor do they have to help her financially.

It's bloody cruel of them not to help when it seems they may be in a position to, but if they don't want to, they won't.

Won't Adult Soscial Services be able to help with rehousing? I would presume a condition like COPD would be a priority for the local council to provide suitable housing.

I had no idea COPD could be caused by damp, everyone I knew with it was due to smoking.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Fri 22-Jan-16 12:46:04

Ahhhh just seen that you said she smokes?

Corygal1 Fri 22-Jan-16 12:48:31

That was suggested, but the parents would charge £100 a week rent, which won't work because HB won't pay rent to your next of kin (DD will have to give up work).

And I'm not sure DD wants to become a carer to the old couple and pay three figures a week for the privilege.

Lightbulbon Fri 22-Jan-16 12:51:24

Yeah the parents sounds like mean old so and sos.


Why if she's 42, never had dcs and previously had good health could she not have bought/moved before this crisis?

Copd is much more likely to be from the smoking than housing.

Is her smoking the reason her parents are unsympathetic?

LizzieMacQueen Fri 22-Jan-16 12:51:44

Are there siblings she could ask to mediate?

Did you fall out with your parents because of the smoking or are you a drug user perhaps?

mouldycheesefan Fri 22-Jan-16 12:51:45

Ok well the daughter needs to quit smoking and put the money towards better accommodation.

PouletDePrintemps Fri 22-Jan-16 12:57:46

I don't think the parents have any obligation to help out. It would be nice if they did and many parents would but there may be a whole back story as to why they are reluctant to help.

Also, sorry to be pedantic, they haven't technically refused to help rehouse the daughter, but rather their offer is unacceptable to her.

I agree the daughter needs to give up smoking as a priority. If the house is that bad and unfit for habitation what do the council say about rehoming?

Penfold007 Fri 22-Jan-16 13:02:13

Second post today where a youngish adult has been diagnosed with COPD.

Why would the woman have to give up? Genuine question as well managed emphysema and COPD should still mean a person can enjoy a reasonable life.

The parent's have no obligation to help but surely most parents would want to so there must be a back story.

The smoking will have caused the COPD but the mouldy damp will exacerbate it. Hope they manage to give up smoking.

Corygal1 Fri 22-Jan-16 18:19:20

She's too young to have got it from fags - it's damp and mould. A third of people with COPD don't smoke, the smoker's disease is somewhat of a misconception. Most people who smoke don't get it.

OllyBJolly Fri 22-Jan-16 18:26:26

Thanks Corygal

My beloved aunt died of COPD - never smoked in her life.

ImperialBlether Fri 22-Jan-16 18:26:57

I think COPD is aggravated by damp and mould, rather than caused by it.

According to the NHS website:

The main cause of COPD is smoking. The likelihood of developing COPD increases the more you smoke and the longer you've been smoking. This is because smoking irritates and inflames the lungs, which results in scarring.

Some cases of COPD are caused by fumes, dust, air pollution and genetic disorders, but these are rarer.

They also say:

Smoking is the main cause of COPD and is thought to be responsible for around 90% of cases. The lining of the airways becomes inflamed and permanently damaged by smoking and this damage cannot be reversed.

Up to 25% of smokers develop COPD.

It also says it affects people from 35 years of age.

I can see why someone might want to blame it on external factors such as damp but it doesn't seem that likely if they also smoke.

AliceInUnderpants Fri 22-Jan-16 18:33:20

I can't find any information of people being diagnosed with emphysema caused by damp and mould.

Like other posters have said, they have no obligation to 'help', yet they have offered, at a greatly reduced rate to you the woman. Yet this isn't acceptable?

AliceInUnderpants Fri 22-Jan-16 18:35:58

She's too young to have got it from fags A healthy 42 year old would be unlikely to develop emphysema. A 42 year old smoker, always has a risk.

expatinscotland Fri 22-Jan-16 18:40:23

'Why if she's 42, never had dcs and previously had good health could she not have bought/moved before this crisis?'

That horse has already bolted. It's a moot point now.

Alice, their offer isn't acceptable because she cannot pay it. HB won't pay to next of kin.

Corygal1 Fri 22-Jan-16 18:41:25

It's not me, thank God, given some of the aggressive stupidity above. And she isn't a drug user, unless you count the 12 meds a day she has to take to keep her breathing.

Please remember you're posting about someone who's just been given a death sentence in their 40s. Who may read this.

emwithme Fri 22-Jan-16 18:43:01

She's not too young to get COPD from fags - particularly if she's Alpha-1 anti-trypsin deficient. My mum died of COPD aged 46. Age 38 she was "slightly asthmatic", by age 43 she had had at least one pulmonary embolism and was dependant on oxygen.

I have been tested for A1AT and am a carrier (although I can thank my arsehole of a father for one good gene at least).

Corygal1 Fri 22-Jan-16 18:43:21

Thanks expat.I'm petrified because I told her I'd canvass MN in my name & she might see this.

Mrskeats Fri 22-Jan-16 18:45:50

I never get this type of thread
I would always help my children regardless of age
And I think they would help me esp if illness was involved

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Fri 22-Jan-16 18:46:35

I would assume that there's a massive back story that I know nothing about and I wouldn't judge the parents for that reason.

PotteringAlong Fri 22-Jan-16 18:47:23

She's 42. Why should her parents house her for free? £100 a week for rent and bills in London is nothing. I assume it's a lot less than she's paying now so she shouldn't need housing benefit.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe Fri 22-Jan-16 18:49:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lanbro Fri 22-Jan-16 18:50:22

My MIL has COPD, never smoked, thought to be due to chemicals when she was hairdressing. She is 71 and looks after our 2 toddlers a few days a week. Yes, she is wiped out by a common cold and has some breathing problems on occasion but I would have thought a 42 yr old would manage to work at least part time.

In answer to your question though I would help in the parents position. In fact, if they were my parents they would help house me regardless of whether I had that condition or not, but my family are lovely!

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