Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
social services(161 Posts)
Hi,sw visited me and my children after a domestic incident to have a chat,he was happy with my children and advised I did the freedom programme and said he'd speak to his manager to confirm if the children could see their dad supervised by their grandad.He spoke on the phone to their dad to "see what his attitude was" he said he was happy foe the contact to go ahead and that the conversation went well and he'd told him he'd arranged private therapy as he takes responsibility for his part of our problem.I've heard nothing since and their dad is on bail until the end of the month I'm wondering what happens now? Like should I expect a report should I ask for one?(I'm scared to call to check incase it's seen as bad on me) or will they not do a report until after he's been to court and will the court determine if the supervision is to continue or will sw do a report based on the outcome? I started the freedom programme and it's amazing things o never clocked as anything I am now but it's shown me I do have a good man who doesn't abuse me although we have both been horrid were definitely not abusing each other and we can work through this.please help
Are you asking for help understanding the future timeline of SS involvement?
Or how to rebuild a relationship with someone who was abusive? You say he wasnt abusive, yet is awaiting trial for a domestic violence incident. Have I understood that right?
What was the "domestic incident" and what is he charged with?
So you want to stay with someone who SS have advised you leave for the sake of your children? Not sure if I've read this correctly but if I have then I don't really have any advice for you because I think its wrong.
SS will send you a report at the end of thier investigation and when they close it.
I don't think it's a problem to ring Social Services and ask when you can expect to get a report.
It's not possible to comment on whether you and the children's dad can work through your difficulties. The professionals involved will take a view on that.
I thought the Freedom Programme was supposed to have the opposite result. Not convince the victims of domestic abuse that their abuser is actually a decent bloke.
What was the domestic incident?
Sorry I mean from starting the freedom programme and seeing all abusive ways I feel we're not abusive people and Mr wrong isn't him but we have both been abusive at times.No social services haven't said I have to choose him or the children but I can honestly tell you all if they did both me and their dad would accept and agree to that because they are our priority always.We look after them together he's very hands on I'm not scared controlled financially or otherwise.During our 8.5 year relationship we have had a few bad arguments where either he or I have lashed out be that from pushing and shoving to a slap.The previous time I had him charged as on that occasion I felt he needed to know if I felt at risk I would call for help he got charged with common assault and got a fine that was around 6years ago.The last was early this year being a slap followed by a scuffle during which I got a rubber burn on my face,my daughter 11 called the police and said mom and dad are fighting,she gave me the phone as we'd parted by then him having left the house I dealt with the call then waited for the officers after sorting the children out.When they came they said I'd been stamped on from the mark on my cheek and asked if I had I said no explained what had happened that no I don't recall a stamp and no I didn't pass out he kept saying it was a bad one never seen one so bad etc etc he called paramedics and he asked if I wanted to go hospital I said no o was fine then the officer starts telling me how it's bad and if I didn't I'd risk putting my kids at risk if they had to find me so I went,sat in hospital for hours with him keep looking at me saying how bad my face was.I spoke to women's aid worker and answered her questions n told her some things I now in clear mind know was definitely one sided I didn't say what I'd done to him.I did a statement (didn't know I could say no) and pretty much Said he must of a marks there I didn't really read it but did say no o wouldn't want to go to court and I know j won't have to as he won't deny his part j know he won't asked if I was scared said no bcz this isn't normal he doesn't make me feel scared we had a fight.the social worker came to have a chat after I'd asked on the phone in the initial contact with them what helps available for the dad,he was actually very nice and put me at ease about the whole situation told me about the freedom programme and how it helps both sides if both want to sort things and helps me see how to spot potential red flags that sounded amazing as all I'd seen all week was bias towards men being abusers and to bin them nothing about a couple who want to sort their issues.He said he would speak with my x to get his attitude before confirming supervised by a relative access and said during the conversation my x had told him bed arranged himself private councilling.We have had N awful lot of negative things to deal with during our time his family fully disowned him bcz of my skin colour then joined with the x to keep his child away from him it's like they all died and he's not dealt with it.He's a good man and a brilliant father to our children.He's everything on the Mr right list minus one and the Mr wrong only 3 things nobody's perfect and I don't want it but having had this happen has just made me realise how much I do love him and how good he actually is with both me and our children.I feel it's better if we can work through it putting it right to show our children we weren't being as we should and we were both wrong but problems are for owning and facing not walking away from.I want to know if I am to expect a report at all and if said report would have to wait until after courts dealt with and if there's anyone else who's been in my position and had there family improve through freedom and better relationships course. The police called me after interview saying he did admit all apart from the stamp but accepted it must have been by him but as result of our scuffle not intentionally but they said they didn't believe him bcz if the mark and we're charging abh which I don't get as from the terms online it falls into common assault and as I said it didn't bruise just faded from what looked like a rubber burn to nothing no bruising of any shade spreading out as bruises do the sw even agreed it's a graze as did the hospital report
I only got part way through your latest post and just wanted to say that such a volatile relationship is no place for children. You or he may not be abusive apart, but you don't seem good together.
It's not usual for people to slap each other or for police to be involved.
As for freedom meant to do the opposite let me ask if your looking for help on say asthma thinking you have it when you read the signs and symptoms and find you have say one to three of them out of a list of twenty do you still think u have asthma or look into how to alleviate the few symptoms you do have?
Please read on to the end bcz your advice can only be half helpful if you only tale note of half a story
This is a dreadful situation for your children to live in. You may not see aggressive violent behaviour as abuse but most people would. Your eleven year old had to call the police. Whether you are both abusive or just one of you or whether it varies, this is no situation for your poor children to live in I feel desperately sorry for them.
Let your children be free of a damaging, abusive childhood. Do not go into this relationship again and make better choices in future.
He is not a brilliant man and you are not a brilliant mother. Put your children first.
Your 11 year old daughter rang the police?
I think you need to be apart from this man. No brilliant parent puts that kind of fear into their child.
It's not so much long as it is a wall of text that is near impossible to read.
What I got from it is this is the second time he has been prosecuted for assaulting you and your child had to phone the police while watching the two of you physically fighting?
And you think he is a brilliant husband and a father?
Please put your children first and leave him. It's horrible to grow up in that kind if environment, your children deserve better.
My oldest is scared of him not coming back as they are so close the youngest keeps telling me how he misses him and I hear them all talking on the phone (been told to use loudspeaker to listen out for any bribery etc) he's apologised to them for hurting me and scaring them told the eldest she did the right thing and thanked her told them he has to be away to be punished for what he did and be a better person.surely it's better for them if we could sort our issues personally and relationship wise so they know it was wrong but Change is possible if both sides want it? If he can't come home they and I will be devastated I want it to be a family learning curve so our daughters and our son know exactly what is and isn't acceptable not merely walk away n make them simply deal with the fact they only see dad at weekends because we couldn’t be bothered to own our things n put it right
We're not together now and don't intend to be any time soon we both have work to do and I'm fully prepared foe the fact we may come through it and either me or him decide actually we don't want to come back together
Your CHILD had to call the police.
Come on now.
It's pretty clear to me that kids should not be around this relationship. Both parents need to seek help independently of one another as there are clearly some issues beyond the relationship here. It is not healthy for your kids to witness this, ever.
No, it isn't a good idea to own your shit and take a violent man back into your home.
The best idea is to support his relationship with his kids if that's appropriate, and live without a man until your judgement is sound enough to enter into another relationship. Which might be never.
Tell the kids you are better off not together. They may well miss him, Stockholm syndrome etc. but I expect they do not miss the violence and fighting and arguing and police and feeling unsafe in own home.
The definition of insanity is to continue with the same actions and expect a different outcome.
Tell the kids and him you definitely will not ever be reunited. Don't start a new relationship until ypu are capable of understanding what a good relationship look like I.e not this shit
Good grief I just read you see this as a 'family learning curve'. Yes when you lose custody of your kids because you move back in with shitbag it will be a learning curve.
Join the discussion
Please login first.