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Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

(406 Posts)
Whywhywhywhy39 Fri 22-Jan-16 08:36:12

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

OliviaBenson Fri 22-Jan-16 08:39:59

I don't have any advice but you aren't overreacting. He cheated on you, in my book. Has he only told you because he got herpes? Is this really his first time?

So sorry op. I'd be kicking him out and telling people exactly why.

Catpants123 Fri 22-Jan-16 08:40:46

You are definitely not over-reacting. Sadly this was not likely to have been a one-off, just this time he has had to confess because of what he has contracted. You say this is out of character but I would be questioning the kind of man he really is. It is up to you if you could move on and forgive. Too much betrayal for me and I wouldn't believe that's the whole story either.

TheStoic Fri 22-Jan-16 08:42:47

You are not over reacting.

Chances are it was not 'just' oral sex. Most people admit to the minimum they think will be believed.

Not saying that is what has happened here, but it is worth considering.

Even if it is exactly as described, I would be pretty devestated. I wouldn't be able to look at him the same way ever again, probably.

Have you had an STD test yourself? If not, make it a priority.

DropYourSword Fri 22-Jan-16 08:47:33

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

I'm sorry, this might have been the first time but it also easily might not be. He only had to tell you about this time because he caught herpes. I don't really know how men operate but are they likely to get a blow job on their very first visit?! But even so, there is absolutely no way you are over reacting. If my DH went to a strip club as part of a boys night out, it wouldn't bother me. If he went alone it would sit very uncomfortably with me. If he went alone, got a BJ and caught an STD I'd be going fucking nuclear.

In your position I'd be seriously questioning what to do next. I'm not sure I could forgive that betrayal, but writing on a forum is one thing, real life is very different.

WilLiAmHerschel Fri 22-Jan-16 08:48:33

You're not overreacting. He didn't just get drunk and snog a random on the dance floor, he actively chose to go to a strip club and paid for a sexual act. I actually doubt that was his first visit, and I'd be surprised if that was his first experience of sexual contact. He wouldn't have told you if he hadn't caught an STD. I'm sorry to sound harsh but I'd find it extremely hard to forgive my dp if this was him. I don't know if I could.

Topseyt Fri 22-Jan-16 08:49:42

Not overreacting at all. I'd be devastated and furious.

I don't know that I could find a way back from that.

DropYourSword Fri 22-Jan-16 08:50:16

Also, he found out a month ago and only told you now. I understand you had family staying, but did he knowingly have unprotected sex with you during that time? Because I would also find that very hard to get past.

DidyouseeEthel Fri 22-Jan-16 08:50:26

I'm sorry op but I wouldn't be able to look at him again. It would be in my head every time he touched me and I'd consider that he ended the marriage. If anything I'd say you're under reacting.

BertrandRussell Fri 22-Jan-16 08:51:08

Why did you feel the need to add "he's no saint"? What has he done in the past that made you say that?

OhShutUpThomas Fri 22-Jan-16 08:51:18

The fuck?

He went to a strip bar, got a blow job (and probably more) from a stripped, who he contracted herpes from, and you think you're over reacting?

Unless youve physically injured him, no, you're not over reacting.

How can you even be in a house with him?

tsonlyme Fri 22-Jan-16 08:51:58

I'm confused, are you feeling that it isn't cheating because it happened in a strip club?! Because to me that makes it worse, not only did he get sexual gratification outside of your relationship but he did it with a woman who was most likely trafficked, coerced or utterly desperate for money, which means he treated her like property to be bought and less than human.

And yes, it's probably not the first time, I don't think many people get caught the first time.

I'm sorry this is happening brew flowers

WilLiAmHerschel Fri 22-Jan-16 08:52:29

Yes Drop I was thinking the same about whether men are likely to get a blow job on their first visit and also about the length of time he waited to tell the op.

Chillyegg Fri 22-Jan-16 08:55:52

Yeah he's minimising this big time.
Logically why would be go to a strip club just of the cuff if he's never been to one before. They're pretty fucking intimidating places to be honest.
I'd be thinking did the night out actually happen and he had a one night stand?
I'm sorry your going through this.
Get an sti check.
Kick him out, this won't of been the first time. Just he had to tell you or get caught out.

givepeasachance Fri 22-Jan-16 08:57:41

Not over reacting at all.

I wouldn't believe a word of the story either.

He's been up to some serious no good. That story is conveniently the one which he /many would deem least repulsive.

I would at the bare minimum want some proof of cash transactions on the night in question. I would be checking for an Adult Work login, secret emails, phones.

He needs to provide total transparency.

Thing is though, his sordid story would be enough for me to chuck him out but I get the feeling you need something more.

Brace yourself.

Gobbolino6 Fri 22-Jan-16 08:59:08

I don't think I believe his story.

Fugghetaboutit Fri 22-Jan-16 08:59:22

I think you're under reacting. His arse would be out of my house very quickly no matter how many years or kids together. Disgusting man.

Fugghetaboutit Fri 22-Jan-16 08:59:47

Have you had sex with him since he went to the bar?

SleepyForest Fri 22-Jan-16 08:59:49

Total deal breaker. I could accept an affair much more easily than if my partner used prostitutes. Using a vulnerable woman in such a despicable way is beyond recoverable. No saint indeed.

givepeasachance Fri 22-Jan-16 09:04:09

Another thing that strikes me about your post is how long he's kept it in and lied, yet you didn't suspect a thing.

He's been to a strip club, STI clinic (probably a couple of times) and he's totally hidden this from you with no suspicions.

He's a good liar.

Remember that.

TaintedAngel Fri 22-Jan-16 09:05:52

That's rough, OP.
Personally, I would echo everything dropyoursword has said on both her posts. Going to a strip club with the boys wouldn't be an issue. Going alone would be. I wouldn't be pleased if he went into a booth and got a dance, but i would get over it quickly. But a BJ with a side order of herpes would be enough for me to ask him to leave while i thought things through. However if he had unprotected sex with me after the diagnosis, that would be it, no coming back from that.

BlondeOnATreadmill Fri 22-Jan-16 09:06:28

FUCKING HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can't be seriously asking if you are over reacting? Unless you've actually clubbed him to death. It would be impossible to over react to this, it's so fucking disgusting.

Think about what he's done. He's chosen to visit a Strip Club. On his own. That's weird for starters. Then....he's chosen to take his dick out and put it in another woman's mouth.

When did you last pay a man to give you Oral Sex? I bet bloody never!

If my DH did this, it would be the fucking END. GONE. FOREVER.

I cannot believe you're not more angry????

And nice normal men, don't just suddenly do this. He's been going for ages, I bet.

And did he sleep with you afterwards?

Get rid of this awful disgusting creep.

allyjay Fri 22-Jan-16 09:07:09

I'm so sorry this happened to you op. No not overreacting at all, you're under reacting in fact. What he did was a massive, massive betrayal of your trust and your relationship.

I wouldn't be able to look at him again. Seedy, 'orrible man.

Even women who don't particularly have a problem with strip clubs (and I'm not one of them) would find this unforgivable.

LumelaMme Fri 22-Jan-16 09:08:18

God, OP, you poor thing: what a horrible thing to be told.

I'd be going nuclear. I'd be wondering what else he hasn't told me.

He's a good liar.

Remember that.
Indeed.

SpinyCrevice Fri 22-Jan-16 09:08:38

God almighty this would be the end for me! What are the chances of him telling you this if he was in the clear? He's been at this for years for sure and got caught and fessed up to do a damage limitation exercise. You need a STD test ASAP. It's the fact he had put my health at risk as much as everything else - Christ on a bike OP, why he he even in the house!

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