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Dealing with ex and his financial flakiness(18 Posts)
Just want a sanity check here I think and for someone to tell me I'm not being a complete b**
H and I separated about 9 months ago at my instigation for a number of reasons (emotional and financial abuse, heavy drinking, refusal to participate in family life being the most significant dealbreakers). I don't regret my decision and by and large I am doing ok, up and down but coping fine on my own with my DC and trying to move forward as best I can.
EX has always been shit with money, to put it mildly. I have always been the breadwinner, which I didn't mind, but towards the end of our relationship he basically refused to pull his weight in any way and one of the triggers for our split was him walking out of a job without asking me first and then demanding I lend him five grand so he could
piss about pretending to start his own business start his own business. I said no.
Now nine months down the line he has some clients but is struggling with cashflow and has had problems paying his own rent. He hasn't paid me a penny in maintenance. Earlier this month I had to bail him out for food and transport to the tune of £150. Not a huge deal financially for me but I strenuously resisted lending it to him and only did so on his strict promise that it would be repaid to me as soon as he got paid for a job.
Surprise surprise, he got paid last week and not only has not paid me, but is not prepared to pay me until a time of his choosing, saying that if he pays me he won't be able to pay all of his rent.
I've gone off the deep end with him and have told him this is not my problem and no further help from me of any kind, financial or otherwise (I've been helping him with some office admin) will be forthcoming until the money is paid.
My question is whether I should now bring out the big guns and go to the CSA (or whatever its called nowadays)? I know he has genuine problems with money and this could tip him over the edge into losing his flat, which I don't want. I also know it will poison our relationship (and therefore impact his relationship with our DC) so have been loathe to do this unless its absolutely necessary. And I have prided myself on keeping my relationship reasonably cordial with him, considering how abusive he has been to me. But this last pisstake has really brought me to the limits of my patience.
Should I give him one last chance to sort himself out or go to the CSA?
I think you would be best going to CSA/CMS, although if he's self employed & not earning huge sums/not making profit, not sure you'll get much.
I had v similar issues with my ex, feckless with money throughout relationship (left me with huge debt because he failed to contribute & I ran up credit card debt trying to keep afloat) & we agreed set amount of cash for maintenance. I warned him the 1st attempt he made to screw me around with maintenance & I'd go to CSA. He lasted a year & when he got his wages arrested due to failure to pay council tax, I went to CSA as of course the obvious choice to him was I'd just not get paid. I was pretty dependent on that money due to the mess he'd left me with, I couldn't bare to keep going through that crap.
Go to CSA, you'll never get any sensible response from him discussing money & it takes the stress away from you having to deal with him over it.
Thanks Tension. To be honest I am under no illusions that money coming in regularly from him would make any great difference to my life. I'm in a much more financially stable position than he is and earn a lot more, and I don't want to be vindictive when I know he is having problems. I just feel I need to draw a line in the sand and make it clear to him that he cannot expect me to fund his attempts to start a business and not pay anything towards the upkeep of our child.
It's not vindictive. He has been, and still is, financially abusive. He feels no sense of responsibility to support the children financially. He is happy to take from your pot and not repay. It sounds like you are saying civil communications are dependent on you helping him out, rather than him meeting the basic, legal requirement to support his children. It's further abuse and CMS is the only way to deal with it.
kitty I know you're right. And if he were making good money I'd have gone in, all guns blazing. The thing is that I know he genuinely has struggled and I don't want to create a huge resentment which will feed back to our DC. I also know he is using this against me.
I'm also, if I'm totally honest with myself, scared of the repercussions of going to the CMS in terms of my life. I rely on him quite a lot for childcare and although he is fairly grudging about helping with this he does do a fair bit. If I really alienate him I could end up in a situation where I basically can't do anything without hiring a babysitter. I need to do work related evenings out/overnight travel fairly frequently and can't afford to put myself in a position where I basically have to hire in outside care every time I do this.
But I think you're right, enough is enough. Apart from anything else he needs to learn that he can't "borrow" from me with impunity with no intention of paying me back.
You can't rely on him. That's what your post is saying. If I don't do what he wants he will drop me in the shit. Maybe you can find some longer term, reliable childcare solutions.
In posting this, OP, you do realise that you are going to get no answers beyond 'go to the CSA', because this is Mumsnet, not reality. I'm not arguing that this would be wrong (and obvs your ex sounds like a massive twunt), but you've already recognised that it might not be the best real-world approach.
If he is self employed you will get pretty much nothing from CMS, so you would just be using it as a stick to poke him with. Just stop lending him money. As you say - the childcare is more useful to you at the moment.
If he's your ex, don't lend him money. It is just making things more complicated.
Sounds like you do get some practical help from him, and your chances of getting much money through CSA/CMA aren't very high at this point. As he is struggling and you don't massively need the money, I personally would hold off and give him the chance to get himself a bit more established financially. Even if it's just for 3 months (so one year after the relationship ends).
Do NOT lend him any money (well, sounds like it would be giving rather than lending).
Don't lend any money and make it clear to him you won't. I know its not 'right' but in your circumstances I would see the childcare if it enables you to work as his contribution - just for you own peace.
I actually misread your post OP - sorry - the bit that said he was getting paid for a job. You meant self employed. It will be difficult to get payments through CMS based on his self-employed income. You could ring CMOptions for guidance. But the principle is the same anyway. He has duties and responsibilities and you need separate these and formalise them as far as possible, because his current ethos thathe will help providing he is getting what he wants from you is way off beam.
What a silly post dancingbear. I looked for an emoticon for you but I couldn't find the appropriate one.
I think the simplest but hardest thing truth of your post is
The CSA won't do shit if he's unemployed or self employed even if he was earning bundles
They still wouldn't be able to get him to pay because the self employed are hard to pin down, believe me I did this for years with my ex
You have to go forward as if he is dead/doesn't exist, he cannot be relied on and because you do gets to fuck you around completely and utterly.
Get yourself a nanny or mothers help if need be, you sound like an intelligent professional woman who's weak spot are fuck wits unfortunately, also been there and done that.
He sounds no use to man or beast, your enabling his abuse of you all be it unwittingly, it's time to cut the cord and crack on.
So what are you going to do about it?
STOP giving him money. I'd hold off on CMS.
Thanks all. I hear you on CMS and on not giving him any more money.
Definitely stop lending him money. I have been a bank to a couple of exfw's and trust me you will not stop paying out until you put your foot down and say no.
Stop financing him - just tell him you can't afford to financially support your (joint) child on your own and support him as well.
Think of it this way - it is your child's money, not yours. That could be going into savings for them. He has a moral and legal obligation to pay towards the cost of his child. His financial problems are entirely of his own making.
He's a twat. Obviously never lend him money again or give your time for free.
Glad you're not reliant on him, the massive man child.
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