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I need a woman’s perspective!

(150 Posts)
jordan2016 Thu 21-Jan-16 23:55:47

Sorry for crashing this site, I really need advice on what I can do to improve the relationship with my wife before it dies a horrible death.

We have been married for 10 years and we have three beautiful children. We are both 33 and in the past year our sex life is pretty much dead. Before this we had a great sex life

My wife is just not interested and shows very little affection. I work really hard, I have a decent wage 72K, she has never worked since being married and I bought her, her dream house by taking on extra work projects to secure the mortgage.

I stay fit and healthy, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I make time for the family whilst juggling a heavy workload. I help around the house with cleaning.

My wife is a brilliant mum, I complement her on this because she really puts the children first in every thing, I don’t resent this but I just wish I had some of that attention. I have spoken to her about this on many occasions and she agreed with me yet nothing has changed.

She has become clinically obese and hides away in hoody’s, I can’t remember the last time she put some make up on or fixed her hair. She drinks an unhealthy amount of fizzy drinks and chocolate.

I say these things not to be mean, they just concern me, I have gently tried to encourage her to change her lifestyle, build up her self-esteem, but again she agrees but hasn’t done anything about it.

I travel a lot with work and I have literally had several opportunities/offers by younger attractive females, but I have never cheated on her.

My friend just got divorced and he and his wife are very happy, I feel sick of the thought of breaking up my family, but I feel we are pretty much lodgers not lovers.

Things I have tried:
Awkwardly spoke to her mum for two hours on the phone for advice.
Spoken candidly with her about the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
Looked into depression, “She doesn’t seem unhappy or depressed, I would say she’s content.
Buying her gifts/flowers
Arranging breaks away / spa sessions

I know she would be crushed if I left, but I feel alone in trying to salvage our marriage.

What am I doing wrong?

BubsandMoo Fri 22-Jan-16 00:11:39

Things that jump out of your initial post that you could be doing wrong:

Talking about your wage and how hard you work and how she has 'never worked' since being married. She is raising your children. That is work.

Sounding like you think you're making adequate time for your family if you're at the gym 5 times a week and work long hours in addition. When would your wife go to the gym 5 times a week, or whichever other leisure activity out of the home she would like to go to, 5 times a week?

Saying you 'help around the house'. You don't help, it's your bloody house. You should be doing your fair share of the work.

Whining that you want her attention, as if you were her 4th child.

Criticizing her weight, appearance and diet.

Sounding like you think you deserve some kind of congratulations for not cheating. No. That is just what people do. Not cheat on their spouses. It's expected, not something special to be proud of.

Your post is all about what you want, and you seem to feel you deserve sex for not cheating on her and buying her flowers occasionally.

How did these 'candid' talks about intimacy go?

Meloncoley2 Fri 22-Jan-16 00:27:57

Well... It sounds as if you feel you are in control of your life..
You are earning money that you feel should make a difference ....

maybe asking your wife would help.. Maybe she hates being responsible for the household stuff while you do the earning stuff.
Perhaps she would like to go to work and leave you to to do school runs, supervise homework, worry about their futures etc etc etc. Ask her.......

Norest Fri 22-Jan-16 00:30:59

How old are your children?

Norest Fri 22-Jan-16 00:32:55

By the by I would also feel frustrated if my partner got obese and didn't want to have sex with me, or show any interest in trying to get healthier.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 22-Jan-16 00:33:24

"I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I make time for the family whilst juggling a heavy workload."
Yep, that one jumped out at me too. There are only 24 hours in the day, just how many of them can be 'time for the family'? And which hours? The ones that cover getting ready for school, school pickups, bathtime/bedtime? Or just at the weekends? Three children, presumably all under 9, is damned hard work. Really, really time-consuming and frustrating hard work.

"in the past year our sex life is pretty much dead. Before this we had a great sex life"
Well, what changed a year ago? (What ages are the children?) Or, sorry there's no nice way to put this, was the 'great sex life' just yours and she was faking it, and can no longer be bothered to do so? Which is still a change.

"She doesn’t seem unhappy or depressed, I would say she’s content."
What do you think depression looks like? It's not sobbing in the corner. It can manifest as disengagement, as disinterest in your life.

Lweji Fri 22-Jan-16 00:44:36

Pretty much what BubsandMoo said.

Why did she stopped working since you got married?

How did you decide she's not depressed?

What did you think to accomplish by buying gifts?

What seems to me is that you give too much value and time to your career and what you earn, as well as your physique. Perhaps you could try and invest that much in your family as well.

BubsandMoo Fri 22-Jan-16 01:01:08

Here's another thing you're probably going wrong on: thinking strangers on the Internet might have the answers as to why your wife doesn't find you sexually appealing right now, just because we're women. She's a human being, one who you liked and knew well enough to choose to marry and procreate with- why would we know her better than you do, just because we're the same sex?

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you even like her much- the only compliments you give her are on her parenting and previous sexual performance. Are you friends? Share similar interests, enjoy just hanging out together? Do you have fun together? It's relationships 101 really isn't it.

HelenaDove Fri 22-Jan-16 01:06:17

What BubsandMoo said. I used to be obese OP Ive lost 10 stone.

HOWEVER this meant i had to be selfish and concentrate on myself It took an enormous amount of effort with diet and excersise You know what else it took? Time. Something you seem to be very unwilling to give your wife.

How the fuck do you expect her to lose the weight that you are moaning about when you are using up all the Time. Put your money where your fucking mouth is and parent your own children so she can tackle it but IF she wants too. No one should be bullied into it She should do it for herself IF she wants too.

And you went moaning to her mum???!!!! Words fail me. FFS.

MoominPie22 Fri 22-Jan-16 06:18:48

It sounds like she´s putting all her energies into the kids when she should be prioritizing her own physical and mental health. She will be no good to them ( or you obviously ) if she becomes ill through her poor lifestyle choices. But she sounds like she´s got something going on to let herself get like this....

It does sound to me like she´s maybe depressed, lost confidence in herself due to being out of work for so long possibly? She maybe feels confident in her abilities as a mother but little else?

You need to have a really good heart to heart with her so she can open up to you. Is she happy? Is she happy with the relationship? What would she really like for herself if she were to think about herself for once? What are her personal goals, what would she like to achieve in life?

She might just need her needs recognised and some support in that area e.g, getting back into work, a night class, re-training etc etc

Everyone has personal goals or something they´d really like to do if they really think about it, but it sounds like she´s living through the kids´ lives instead of having one of her own. People tend to not stuff themselves with chocolate and soft drinks until they become obese if they are happy people, so there´s something going on under the surface.

You just need to tactfully approach this in a sensitive manner, not the weight gain ( that sounds like a by-product of unhappiness to me ) but how she´s feeling and how you can support her in having the life that she possibly feels is out of her reach.

Also, does she have a life outside of the house, i.e friends, hobbies, a support network?

velvety55 Fri 22-Jan-16 07:12:54

Tired of hearing from men that their women don't want sex. We do if there is lots of foreplay and affection. This takes time. You seem too busy for that. Sounds like you are looking for permission to have an affair because your wife is obese. Perhaps she got that way because she's unhappy. Ask her if she is unhappy.

Joysmum Fri 22-Jan-16 07:28:36

Fed up of hearing about men who 'work hard' and still have time for hobbies, gym and aren't that knackered they still have a sex drive.

You still have more flexibility than your DW and are still doing the job that society defines you by rather than just being a freeloading housewife who has never worked (despite being on call 24/7/365 and having to fit round everyone else so her needs are met last).

Rarely do we hear blokes saying how having kids hits their careers or worrying about how dependent they'll be on their DH.

Your wife is clearly doind a very good job as your sense of entitlement and lack of appreciation of her shines through in your post.

You could tell her you think it'd be best for her and the rest of the family for her to return to work.

Bear in mind you'll have to pick up half the home chores and parental responsibilities rather than just being able to continue with your life with her enabling you to have a life that's not changed much.

My guess if that'll be the nail in the coffin because you will know what her life has been like, your career won't be first as you need to leave work for sick kids and can't work flexibly, and you won't like it!

Lweji Fri 22-Jan-16 07:46:02

Sounds like you are looking for permission to have an affair because your wife is obese.

Or to leave her.

In fact, my initial feeling was that you already have someone lined up.

HollyBollyBooBoo Fri 22-Jan-16 07:48:31

You're not crashing the site everyone is welcome!

Can I suggest that you send your wife away to a spa for a week. You take that same week off work and you look after the home and your three children to the standard that you would expect and then you will see just how much work your wife does - it just doesn't come with a wage packet at the end of each month.

lunar1 Fri 22-Jan-16 08:58:16

How much time does your wife have free a week?

BlondeOnATreadmill Fri 22-Jan-16 09:20:18

Men always get flamed on here, it's such a shame.

You sound like you are doing all the right things.

I would sit her down, and tell her exactly how you feel. Being direct is the only way to deal with this.

Stay at home Mum's are always revered on here. I don't get it? I had to work full time AND raise my kids. I never had the luxury of just concentrating on the home, because I had to earn a wage.

So, I am going to go against the grain here, and say that she is lucky to be a SAHM and I don't think it's too much to ask to stop stuffing cakes into your gob, shape up and give your DH a bit of love and attention.

Lweji Fri 22-Jan-16 09:22:45

Men always get flamed on here, it's such a shame.

They don't. You should check more threads.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 22-Jan-16 09:42:35

I think a good talk is in order.
Does your wife want to work?
Would you help her look for a job if she did want to work?
Being at home all the time is dull dull dull. I was only off for 3 months and I was chomping at the bit to get back to the 'adult' world.
Right now she is just a wife and mum. That IS depressing.
She needs to be herself.
How much free time does she get?
How many evenings a week does she get to go to the gym or out to an activity?
Does she have full access to money or is it limited for her?
Who looks after all the household things like, shopping, cooking, cleaning, drop offs, pick ups, clubs, parties, presents, presents for friends, financial planning, paying bills, savings, birthdays, anniversaries, visits to parents and in-laws, holidays, breaks away, parent evenings, etc....?
If she doesn't have any hobbies then she needs something. Something of her own that she enjoys and where she can interact with like minded people.
Years and years of not working means you really do lose yourself.
She needs to find herself and you need to help her achieve that.
Would she go to counselling? I think she needs it for herself only. She is comfort eating so something is missing and she needs to discover what that is.

GeekLove Fri 22-Jan-16 11:44:18

What a spooky coincidence that the OP has sodded off. Guess we didn't give him permission to leave his wife.

mrsjskelton Fri 22-Jan-16 11:49:06

I'd say she feels pretty inadequate next to the high earning, gym bodied, offer receiving man she married.

BertPuttocks Fri 22-Jan-16 12:09:47

I agree with the others that going to the gym nearly every day, traveling a lot with work, and taking o extra projects just doesn't really square with the idea of making much time for your wife and family.

If you are considering leaving your wife, you will need to make some lifestyle changes of your own:

- You will need to either cut back on work hours in order to do your share of parenting and childcare, or make arrangements for paid childcare.

- You will also probably have to cut down on gym time on your access days, unless you are planning to pay someone else for childcare during those times.

- You will need home suitable for your children to stay in during access times. This will involve more than just a bit of "help with cleaning".

Or were you perhaps planning to continue exactly as you are with the ex-wife at home doing all the child-related work, but with you using your new freedom to take up some of those offers of sex?

GeekLove Fri 22-Jan-16 12:10:20

OK OP, in case you haven't been scared off I'm being serious, but what is shining through in your OP is that it seems all about you.

Have you asked her if she is unhappy and if she is tired considering that it sounds like she is doing all the parenting of three under 10?

Have you thought that in this and not working outside the home she has lost some of her identity? Can she go to the gym as often as you? What does she do in her spare time? Does she have any spare time?

I am going to go on the assumption that perhaps you do want some genuine advice here but to me the main problem is that you don't seem to be a team. A marriage is teamwork. There is no 'baby sitting' or 'helping around the house'. It is parenting and housework, and that will be the case while you are still a parent living in the house.

Holowiwi Fri 22-Jan-16 13:00:16

Wouldn't be surprised if he is gone, I wouldn't advise any man to seek relationship advice on this board honestly.

If the OP is around speak to your wife, be honest and clear, maybe it will work out maybe it won't good luck.

Alabamaslammer Fri 22-Jan-16 13:03:14

Here's another thing you're probably going wrong on: thinking strangers on the Internet might have the answers as to why your wife doesn't find you sexually appealing right now, just because we're women. She's a human being, one who you liked and knew well enough to choose to marry and procreate with- why would we know her better than you do, just because we're the same sex?

I think this is harsh. Why the fuck should strangers on the internet know the answer to anything posted on here?

Yes, some of the op is worded poorly and if it reflects how he really views things (housework etc) then that might be part of the problem. Equally he could be anticipating the question that always seems to be asked of men who post here and has been clumsy in how he worded things. Who knows.

MoominPie22 Fri 22-Jan-16 13:04:04

Hmmm, yes I think he has been scared off hasn´t he? hmm It´s not like the ¨Agony Aunts¨ on here profess to be anything like Jackie magazine circa 1982! Or even Just 17! grin

OP this is probably before your time smile....

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