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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

A man who doesn't want commitment

75 replies

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 20:46

If you are having a relationship with a man who doesn't want commitment and you're finding the situation is not what you want but you really like him...how is it best to handle the situation?

He's aware that his non committal ways make me unhappy but is unwilling to change them.

If I end the relationship is the best advice to get out there, date other people and leave the door open if he changes his mind?

I'm not looking for big commitment but just a bit more from him than he is giving and we are at a stalemate where it's his way or the highway

OP posts:

Report

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 20:47

Also...I feel that tolerating his boundaries while ignoring mine gas probably devalued me in his eyes and I think he thinks he can snap his fingers and I will come running

OP posts:

Offred · 21/01/2016 21:05

Dump him.

Work out why you needed validation from others before you dumped him and why you allowed him to trample your boundaries before you date again.

83mummypig · 21/01/2016 21:14

I've been with someone who didn't want to commit. To say it was a headfuck is an understatement. Whilst he was amazing and when we were together I felt amazing, it was unfulfilling being with someone who I couldn't make plans with, if that makes sense. It got to a stage where I broke down regularly about the relationship wondering why he wouldn't commit. One day at work someone kind of slapped me round the face and I told him I was worth more and we went cold turkey on the contact. It was hard getting over him, but it was so unhealthy. My advice tell him you're worth more and you're not there to fill the time and can he respect your decision not to contact him.

SoThatHappened · 21/01/2016 21:17

What sort of commitment is it you want that he is not giving?

Leigh1980 · 21/01/2016 21:19

My DP was completely commitment phobic, but then again so was I. Imagine my surprise when a ring fell out of a cracker at Xmas lunch, and an even bigger surprise that I found myself saying yes. Old commy phobes like us can commitment if indeed we really want to. But are you willing to wait and see, that's the question!

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 21:30

Just as someone said it was more being able to make plans for the weekend, knowing when we are seeing each other, communicating more rather than fits and bursts as someone said above it feels unfullfilling for me and I have tried all the obvious and he's not going to change so I am going to dump him but just wanted to know how best to handle myself, as I feel I have given away a lot of my power trying to fit around him.

OP posts:

SoThatHappened · 21/01/2016 21:34

How long have you been seeing him?

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 21:37

Three months now

OP posts:

Leigh1980 · 21/01/2016 21:38

If you want to regain power just say "I'm just not that into you!" and watch his jaw hit his foot whilst you swish your back to him and walk away aka Reese Wetherspoon in Legally Bonde!

Leigh1980 · 21/01/2016 21:40

Then wait 5 minutes for his text to arrive then you block him!

MotherofFlagons · 21/01/2016 21:40

Frankly, I'd walk away.

SoThatHappened · 21/01/2016 21:44

How often do you see each other?

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 22:04

Once a week generally but on the day that suits him. I think I was too easygoing and he's lost all respect and just takes the piss. I'd like to leave him with a bit of a sense that maybe he overestimated my interect. I think he thinks he can do what he likes

OP posts:

Threefishys · 21/01/2016 22:05

Three months??? And the c word??? Op is it fair to say three months you barely know this person , what makes you so sure YOU want to commit to him? Why don't you take his lead and chill out and enjoy this at a dating speed - commitment may well come further down the line when you've been seeing each other longer than 12 weeks...!

Threefishys · 21/01/2016 22:07

Wait what so you've actually seen this man 12 times? He clearly wants to date casually you don't. Who cares what he thinks? If you can't enjoy it for what it is date someone who is looking for something serious.

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 22:07

Commitment to plans. Not children.

I am expected to be at his whim. He's non committal and flaky

OP posts:

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 22:08

I am going to date someone else. That's what I said

OP posts:

Offred · 21/01/2016 22:08

The commitment she is wanting is input into and clarity on when they see each other... Not just a 'see you when I see you' thing... Hardly unreasonable!

Leigh's idea is fab! 'I'm just not that into you' is totally the truth - not into being treated like a second class citizen in the relationship, put off by his thoughtless and selfish behaviour!

Threefishys · 21/01/2016 22:09

Well then next week why don't you tell him you're not free on the day that suits him and you can only do *day. If he knocks you back then you know its a no go.

SoThatHappened · 21/01/2016 22:09

If he wont see you on days that sit you and it is all him...I'd question if he is seeing others and you arent at the top priority.

Dump him.

Allofaflumble · 21/01/2016 22:09

Three months is a bit early but believe me if a man wants to commit he will. Otherwise you may find yourself pleasant enough company for the time being. Especially if you are providing sex!

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 22:12

The thing is I have tried stating my needs. He ignores.

Have tried being not available on his chosen day and it just results in us not seeing each other.

Which is all well and good but I'm sitting home when I could be out with someone else.

So I already decided to dump. Just wanted advice on handling myself and getting a bit of power back

He's played me like a fiddle and I didn't quite twig

I do think he likes me...I just think he lost respect

My fault

OP posts:

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Offred · 21/01/2016 22:13

A bit early to expect you can have input on when you see someone?!

Surely it's never too early for that!

Threefishys · 21/01/2016 22:15

I just wouldn't bother getting in touch with him again and get yourself out on a date with someone else. If you hear from him (and you might not) the best way you can get power back if that's what is important to you is to tell him you've ended it as you can't work around what suits him at all times and he isn't flexible so unfortunately its come to an end. That at least gives him chance to decide whether you're worth stepping up for or not.

AlsatianNasty · 21/01/2016 22:17

OP, I did this.

Essentially a 'commitment phobic'.

He did my head in and I gave him all the power for some reason.

Finish him. You won't want him back after 3 months without him.

When you have someone who actually wants to see you, you will realise how much of a twat he has been, no matter how good the time together is.

Flip

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