Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband and his mother

(83 Posts)
AVONUT Thu 21-Jan-16 15:49:46

Hi guys, my husband and I have an 18 month old who has been referred to a speech therapist. (He has few words). My husband basically said it was my fault because I don't do everything his mum says with regards to childcare. His mother has 25 years of experience in childcare - nursery nurse and foster work so therefore I shouldn't seek information about parenting from any other source including NHS guidance. He expects me to do everything she says. What do you think?

goodnightdarthvader1 Thu 21-Jan-16 15:52:00

I think you married a knob.


OurBlanche Thu 21-Jan-16 15:54:54

A long chat, whilst calm and preferably seated.

Just tell him that whilst his mum is a valuable source of information this life, this child is his and yours to explore and enjoy.

You should both feel free to talk to any professional about your child. Both feel free to make your own decisions.

And if he still disagrees go on hard with: the child is yours, his and yours not his mums, or his and his mums and if he continues as he is he will be sucking the joy out of your relationship.

OK, maybe not the last bit, but something along those lines.

His mum probably isn't trying to be horrid, your DH isn't trying to be a pillock. But unless you say 'stop' they will continue to do/discuss what they think is best and you will continue to feel a bit sidelined/squashed.

Good luck.

WickedWax Thu 21-Jan-16 15:55:13

My Husband basically said it was my fault because I don't do everything his mum says with regards to childcare

I'm guessing you've got one of those husbands that does fuck all, but is happy to give you the benefit of his opinion on where you're going wrong.

Yep, you married a knob.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 21-Jan-16 15:58:25

I think his sperm was of poor quality.......

Ok that is nasty but it is a comeback if he ever blames you again

PitilessYank Thu 21-Jan-16 15:59:20

Most people don't have access to your MIL's level of "expertise" and do fine with parenting. I think that your husband is off-base. We learn as we go as parents. Every parent re-invents the wheel because we all have different children with varying temperaments, needs, and family situations.

My guess is that there is 0% chance that your son's need for speech therapy is a result of a parenting failure.

TeenyW123 Thu 21-Jan-16 16:10:01

Isn't 18 months a bit young for referral to a speech therapist? My grandson didn't speak until he was 2.5; won't shut up now!

April2013 Thu 21-Jan-16 16:10:10

I bet this is nothing to do with your parenting at all, just one of those things! I think the NHS guidance is based on the expertise of many professionals and more up to date than one woman who may be a bit out of date if she has 25 years of experience. Plus the whole point is you are the Mum and therefore know best because you love him and know him more than anyone. Why does he want you to just use her advice? The sensible approach would be to ask a range of people their advice, see what the NHS says and then decide what to do, I definitely don't think parenting is so black and white, though obviously with some issues it is clear cut, every child and every Mum are different.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 21-Jan-16 16:47:28

What sort of advice does he expect you to take from his wonderful mummy?
How does it differ to what you are doing?

PitilessYank Thu 21-Jan-16 17:07:25

My son was referred to Speech Therapy at a similarly tender age due to severe issues with pronunciation, and it was very helpful. He had a lengthy hearing evaluation first.

I think when an issue arises with a child stressful feelings often arise in the parents so there may be a natural desire to place blame, but that should be examined and discarded so that the parents can work together! It is very difficult, though. I have often had uncharitable thoughts about the genetic basis for my son's autism likely being on my husband's side of the family, but those thoughts are unpriductive and I try to keep them in check.

(Also, I am sure you have nothing to do with your son's speech therapy needs.)

Jibberjabberjooo Thu 21-Jan-16 17:22:51

I'm guessing you've got one of those husbands that does fuck all, but is happy to give you the benefit of his opinion on where you're going wrong

^^This. Is it both your child? Then it's his responsibility too. What a twat.

BertrandRussell Thu 21-Jan-16 17:24:39

He is a knob.

But she does sound as if she might be a useful resource.

What specifically have you not done that she says you should have done?

BertrandRussell Thu 21-Jan-16 17:25:49

And why is a 18 month old being referred to speech therapy anyway? Loads of them can't talk at that age.s

DespicableBee Thu 21-Jan-16 17:28:02

What has he done or not done from his mothers detailed advice?
Why is it your responsibility, your fault,
What has he contributed to your child's speech

DrMorbius Thu 21-Jan-16 17:33:47

Why don't you seek advice from yout MIL? Bringing up kids is not a MIL vs DIL competition.
Perhaps her 25 years of experience on you really does count for something.

As Bismarck said Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others

Just a thought.

Terribleknitter Thu 21-Jan-16 17:39:22

I'm a qualified nursery nurse and childminder with a grand total of 20 years experience in child care and guess what? I still use parenting resources from all over the place!
Yes my own experience has been invaluable sometimes but it's quite short sighted to only consider one option.
He's wrong IMO, no one knows everything and it's always useful to get other perspectives and advice.

StrictlyMumDancing Thu 21-Jan-16 17:53:16

Your DH is being a twat. Nothing else to say really.

grin quitelikely

AVONUT Thu 21-Jan-16 18:29:09

Thanks for your replies.

I have listened to his mum and sought her advice on a number of occasions just not all the time. He wants me to follow her advice ALL the time. I think this is absurd.

I asked him what I did wrong: he said I didn't move him out of his moses early enough and this had a Knockon effect on development. He says his mum can -see things that we can't bcoz we don't have her experience. He says I obviously don't want the best for my child.

AVONUT Thu 21-Jan-16 18:30:59

He was referred for speech therapy for having fewer than 12 words.

Horsemad Thu 21-Jan-16 18:42:32

Your DH sounds an idiot. Just out of interest, what age was your DS when you moved him out of his Moses basket?

littleleftie Thu 21-Jan-16 18:44:25

Is he generally such a pratt or is it just about this?

He needs his bumps felt if he thinks DS has speech delay because he was late being moved from Moses basket. Are you sure this utter bollocks advice is all coming from MIL?

I would not tolerate this at all. How dare he say you obviously don't want the best for your child. He sounds like a controlling monster.

SanityClause Thu 21-Jan-16 18:50:35

Does his mother agree with that? Because that's just ridiculous! I think it's very unlikely that she said any such thing, and if she did, I think you can discount a lot of what she says.

And his comment about not caring for your child! What a prick!

ftmsoon Thu 21-Jan-16 18:50:53

Oh shit, my DD is 20 months and can only say about 5 words.

Terribleknitter Thu 21-Jan-16 19:13:21

What a crock of bollocks!! I'd be fascinated to find out how moving a child from one bed to another has an effect on child development.
What about parents who don't use a Moses basket? If they put them straight into a cot will that make the child some kind of genius?
That sounds more like an old wives tale than sound evidence based child care advice.
I've raised 3 of my own - youngest didn't even sleep in her basket half the time (she preferred a large bean bag - long story!) and never shuts up has no speech issues. Her older sister spent a fairly average amount of time in hers and was initially referred at the same age. She's fine by the way, she was just a little slower to start talking smile

Offred Thu 21-Jan-16 19:21:58

With respect his MIL has training and experience in childcare at a fairly basic level. Despite her long career she is never going to be any kind of authority.

Your DH is a knob for being so nasty and for talking about you behind your back with his mum and a mummy's boy who needs to cut the apron strings if he is still so obsessed with her being superhuman despite being a grown man with his own child.

My sister is a psychiatrist, she wouldn't try and offer advice about my anxiety because she knows it's unprofessional.

If his mother believes that crock of shit about the Moses basket I would not ever ask her for advice on anything again.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: