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I hate to admit this is because of porn....

(58 Posts)
TiredAndCantSleep Thu 21-Jan-16 09:33:14

I think I've fell out of love with DH. He has a problem (well I think he has he won't admit it) btw I'm well aware men watch porn. When we met he used to watch a lot then said oh no I don't watch it don't need it I told him I wasn't really bothered either way. When I was pregnant he started watching loads of porn and looking at pictures literally every second he got. When I had DS he was still doing it often getting up in the night to wank, he never wanted sex. I asked him to calm down a bit he admitted he was watching porn all the way through our relationship (why lie?) but anyways it was getting ridiculous and I was getting nothing. He said he would stop, I went out to the doctors with DS and I came back and I saw he had been watching it again. 10 mins after saying he would stop. That was over a year ago, he now deletes EVERYTHING. He watches it every chance he gets and completely denies it. At work, in his car, in the middle of the night, when I'm up with the kids, when we have sex it lasts seconds. I've never had a problem with porn ever but now it's took over everything and I just feel inadequate. I don't feel much for the man I once loved and I'm truly miserable. Why the fuck can't he just calm down or admit a problem?

LotusMoths Thu 21-Jan-16 09:49:21

I'm not surprised you feel inadequate. Your DH is addicted to porn and will need to overcome the addiction before you two can move forward.
By telling him that you weren't bothered either way you were giving him the green light to carry on viewing porn, so it's carried on.

Imo porn is degrading and damaging, and this kind of thing reinforces that viewpoint.

Drew64 Thu 21-Jan-16 09:55:12

This sort of dependency is ruining your relationship and your DH can't control himself.
I know it may sound childish but there needs to be a consequence to his behaviour, a dire and very serious consequence!
Simply letting him continue without any real reprecussions is not going to cut it.
How you deal with this now depends on how serious you are about him stopping or limiting his dependence on porn.
Can you continue to live like this knowing he is off for a sneaky wank every time your back is turned, every time he get the opportunity?
If your answer is no then the solution is clear, either he gets help with this dependency of he leaves! Simple as that.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 21-Jan-16 09:56:29

I'm sorry you are going through this and I don't know how you deal with it.
I'd realise now that he isn't interested in you. Only porn.
It's like any addiction. Drinking, drugs etc... he's putting it before everything else.
He needs to leave and find a solution to this and then you can look to see if your relationship can be salvaged.
With this kind of addiction though, I don't hold out much hope.

Drew64 Thu 21-Jan-16 09:57:44

LotusMoths

"Imo porn is degrading and damaging, and this kind of thing reinforces that viewpoint."

I'm of a different opinion, this type of behaviour demonstrates how weak and thoughtless the OP's H is!
(Both my DW and I don't have an issue with porn)

TheNaze73 Thu 21-Jan-16 10:03:20

Sounds like a strong addiction. Like the earlier poster said, like drink or drugs. I think the horrible thing is the nature of porn being used as a replacement for sex & the negative impact that has such as rejection, which is easy to understand. If that was my best friend & he told me that, I'd be telling him to get help

pocketsaviour Thu 21-Jan-16 10:04:10

He has an addiction. Does he know that? Or is he just denying that he's still "using"?

You don't have to live in a sexless marriage OP, no matter the cause. If he isn't prepared to fix things, then it tells you that he values his addiction above you and the DC sad

goddessofsmallthings Thu 21-Jan-16 10:19:40

To put it bluntly you have more than sufficient grounds for divorce. If telling him this doesn't motivate him to seek therapeutic for his addiction, I would suggest you make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law before yiour self-esteem goes through the floor.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 21-Jan-16 10:20:30

therapeutic help for his addiction

allyjay Thu 21-Jan-16 10:33:48

Regarding your title, why do you hate to admit your relationship is shit because of porn? It IS shit because of porn. I don't get your reluctance to name it for what it is.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Thu 21-Jan-16 10:35:14

Ugh. I'd divorce him tbh - his relationship with porn is more important to him than his relationship with you.

I agree that porn is degrading and damaging - I believe that it is responsible for great deal of sexual dysfunction within relationships.

Kirkenes Thu 21-Jan-16 10:36:42

Does he watch it on your home network? If so can you set it up so that the porn is filtered out and NOT give him the password. (I realize that this depends on how teckky he is and that parental controls aren't perfect and that this doesn't cover his phone)

You could get something set up where you receive a daily report of what sites have been visited on your home network. It might help him find a little self control.

Kirkenes Thu 21-Jan-16 10:37:31

BTW I'd LTB

Watching porn is revolting.

Allofaflumble Thu 21-Jan-16 11:03:36

He has porn brain and it will take a monumental effort on his part to change it even if he is willing.

You are with a wanker....literally..is this what you want or deserve?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 21-Jan-16 11:09:50

Just imagine the example he is setting your son?
Yeuk!!!

imwithspud Thu 21-Jan-16 11:19:55

I'm so sorry, this sounds awful. I've had issues with porn in my relationship in the past, but not to this extent. It has made me feel utterly inadequate though, I can't imagine the level of inadequacy you must be feeling.

I agree with pp in that you need to set some serious consequences, either he seeks help because he is clearly addicted, or you file for divorce. This simply cannot carry on, it's not good for you and it's not a good example to set for your son either.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 21-Jan-16 11:20:53

Porn addiction is becoming a bigger problem then any others right now, it's also very hard to overcome.
The other problem is that when normal porn for want of a word isn't having the desired effect, like drug addiction more extreme stuff might be need to get off.

Oh and the problem with the death grip, I've had conversations with very young teens about this, porn is a huge problem.

AddToBasket Thu 21-Jan-16 11:27:35

You poor thing. Does he know that his behaviour is problematic? Presumably, if he is this addicted it must be affecting other relationships with friends and family too.

(What's the death grip?)

BartholinsSister Thu 21-Jan-16 11:40:17

The 'death grip' is the theory that a masturbating man has to squeeze harder and harder over time to achieve the same pleasure. The problem with that theory is that for many men it's more of a stroking than squeezing scton!

startingmylifeagain Thu 21-Jan-16 11:45:44

Ugghh I also agree porn is so damaging.
OP it seems that your choices are to get him to accept help for his addiction, or to have a serious think about the future of your relationship.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thu 21-Jan-16 11:51:28

Not all men watch porn.

In the scenario you describe I would definitely leave. He's chosen a porn addiction over a physical relationship with you. It sounds awful.

Jan45 Thu 21-Jan-16 12:40:51

Boak - the man needs help, it's not your job to fix him though - he wont even admit he has a problem = leave, you don't have to accept this at all and no not all men watch porn OP.

TiredAndCantSleep Thu 21-Jan-16 19:45:23

He denies watching it, I told him I was ok with it until it got too much and I told him it had to stop. He's started trying to have sex with me a lot but it lasts minutes. He obviously lies because he saw how annoyed and upset I got but he's denied it so much then I've saw it in the history that many times I just don't believe him anymore.... He has a private web browser now and deletes things but I keep seeing that browser Pop up so I know he's been looking at something he shouldn't. I don't know when, it seems to be when he's at work,? We do have the child security at home but he can obviously just turn off his wifi and use his mobile data?.... I ask him he just denies.... I'm at a loss

mum2mum99 Thu 21-Jan-16 20:01:48

I would give him an ultimatum: either he gets therapeutic help to cure his addiction or it is divorce. I can't go on like this.

TiredAndCantSleep Thu 21-Jan-16 20:13:38

I've told him he needs help, he denies watching it, I can't prove it so I dunno what to do?

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