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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Which way to turn??? Any advice appreciated

58 replies

mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 09:17

Hi everyone
I don't post on here very often but this morning I am in a real pickle and would really appreciate any words of advice from anyone who has been in the same or similar situation.
OH and I have been together over 4 years. We both live in a flat with my DD who is nearly 8, the flat is in my name and he gives me money every month.
He earns an awful lot more than me but sometimes he can be so mean and tight. My divorce is going through this month and his has come to a grinding halt due to his ex saving up to take their kids on a massive holiday this year - I don't think she has any intention of letting the marital house go.
Basically I'm starting to feel like a convenience for him. I don't doubt his feelings for me at all, but he spends every spare minute he has visiting his kids. I feel disgusting for feeling resentful, but if he's not at work (he works three long days and has two weekdays and weekends off) he is over at the other house. His kids are nearly 15 and 18. Last night he announced that he is spending the whole weekend there this weekend, because they asked him to.
Again I'd like to stress that I feel disgusting for feeling so resentful. He refuses to even entertain the thought of buying a house with me, and is obsessed with getting the marital house back, which is about 15 miles away in a different area. Am I wasting my time? I'm 41 and I need to put down some roots, he is 46. I would love to hear from anyone, please.

OP posts:

Report

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/01/2016 09:21

Yeah you are I think
He doesn't see you as a partnership nor does he see you, your dd, and he and his Dc as anything like a family

mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 09:27

It's so difficult. We went through a lot to be together, and I know he loves me but I feel like I'm treading water and it's so frustrating

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 21/01/2016 09:31

This is not love. He is not committed to you he is committed to himself.

mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 09:40

I know 😩

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 21/01/2016 09:43

That's is not a good reason to stay and from the little bits you have said this man is not worthy of your commitment.

SaySomethingCool · 21/01/2016 09:46

How sure are you he is actually separated/getting divorced? Why doesn't his DC stay with you both during contact?

LineyReborn · 21/01/2016 09:49

Can you explain a bit more about 'going through a lot to be together'?

Twitterqueen · 21/01/2016 09:51

His children are 15 and 18 and they want him to spend the whole weekend there? Really?

it sounds to me as if he can't let go of not just the house, but the whole relationship and the marriage.

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound as if he is in the least bit interested in building a life with you. If he was, you would making plans, putting down roots, buying your own place - as you know.

so yes, I do think you are wasting your time .

hellsbellsmelons · 21/01/2016 09:53

I say cut your losses.
I would be telling him to pack up all things to stay there after the weekend because he's not welcome to your home.
His reaction to this will be very telling.

mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 10:03

They were going to mediation regularly, proceedings going through but it's all come to a halt since she's decided to have a massive holiday. I have no beef with that, but nothing is moving forward, and no one can move on

OP posts:

pilates · 21/01/2016 10:06

Op, is his relationship definitely over with his wife?

He doesn't sound that committed to you and, as you said, it sounds like you are a convenience for him.

Yes you are wasting your time.

mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 10:11

It's definitely over with the ex. She has a baby by someone else and with the dad

OP posts:

DrMorbius · 21/01/2016 10:15

When my kids were 15 and 18, the last thing they would want to do is hang out with me.

Where does he sleep when he stays there?

mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 10:20

The ex will be at work

OP posts:

SaySomethingCool · 21/01/2016 10:29

So he stays there with ex's new dp and their baby when he stays with the dc?

DrMorbius · 21/01/2016 10:30

OK that's somewhat different if the kids are alone. At least for the 14 year old.

mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 10:46

This is the first time he is staying the weekend over there. I'm probably not being told everything, he spends every single spare second over there, and it feels like an extra poke in the eye. The kids used to come over to us all the time. His daughter is nearly 18 and spends all her free time at her boyfriends house.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 21/01/2016 11:24

I'm sorry OP but I do think you're wasting your time on him. He doesn't sound committed to you at all - otherwise he'd be talking about buying together, planning to marry.

If after 4 years he hasn't already said "I want to marry you" then I feel the chances are it's not going to happen and he sees you as a convenient landlady/booty call while he wins back his beloved marital home which sadly seems more important to him :(

LineyReborn · 21/01/2016 14:24

Where does the Ex's DP live? In the former marital home?

Catpants123 · 21/01/2016 14:32

What a weird set-up. I don't understand why he is there all the time. Did he actually want to break up with his ex? I also don't get what the holiday has to do with the divorce proceedings.

I don't think you can trust him op can you?

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 16:31

Weird and definitely he is not good enough to be your partner, he's never there for starters, I think you are nothing more than convenient for him just now, he's not shown you any level of commitment, he's stingy too, what are his good points cos I don't see any.

LineyReborn · 21/01/2016 16:35

Just because you went through turmoil to be together (which involved what? - sorry to sound nosy but I think it might be useful to explore this) doesn't mean that this is a forever love, or a good love, or even an ok love. It sounds rather like you drew the short straw tbh.

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mrsfleming32 · 21/01/2016 18:11

I can see things a bit more clearly now. Scary.

OP posts:

BlondeOnATreadmill · 21/01/2016 20:24

Wrong on so many levels. He's staying at his Exes home? Are you sure they aren't rekindling something?

The whole thing is just fucking weird.

If I told my Husband, that I was spending the weekend at my Ex Husbands house, I would reckon it would be the end of us.

The kids should be coming to your house, to see their Dad. Do they have a bedroom at yours? If not, that could be the problem. I know some families that don't give the kids their own room at the "other" parents house. That NEVER works!

They should come to yours, and you should make an effort to have fun. Meal out. Games night. Movie night. Or have pals over for take-away and sleep over. etc etc. Make a big effort.

Groovee · 21/01/2016 20:32

It seems to me that he's a lodger and things sound strange which makes me wonder if he has someone else.

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